Ghosts

I believe in ghosts. Not the spooky, scary kind of ghosts, but rather spirits. The souls of those that have passed on.

I don't believe in God and I don't think there is a heaven, Garden of Eden, or someplace where 10,000 virgins are waiting for me. I don't necessarily know where our souls go when we die, but I do believe they are out there somewhere. I believe we can communicate with them if we want to. We can call on them for help and advice.

I've had quite a few experiences with spirits in my lifetime. Last night was no different. I had a dream about my dad.

I was in a car with my father (who passed away in 2007). He was driving and I was sitting behind him. He was trying to show me the cottage he has been living in since he left my mother (his words). He was pointing to the cottage but I couldn't see it. I reached my hand out and he held it for awhile.

Then I woke up.

It was such a peaceful, calm and comforting dream. I really do believe my father came to me to let me know he's ok. I believe he tried to show me how lovely his world is even though I couldn't see it with my own eyes. I don't think it was a message of "This is heaven. Be good and you can come here too!" I think it was just my dad popping in to say hello and tell me he's ok.

Now maybe I'm just as crazy as the Mormons who believe that God speaks to them personally. But having these dreams/experiences gives me peace and can restore hope when I need it the most. It's like my own personal magic 8 ball. Maybe it's just my brain trying to keep me sane in an otherwise insane world. Maybe it IS all just a dream. Who knows? All I know is that being able to see my dad again and hold his hand is one of the greatest feelings in the world.

This pisses me off

So there is this whole Pepsi Refresh Project going on right now. People can nominate projects to receive up to $250K in funding. Every day you vote and on November 1st the winners are announced. Overall, a pretty cool idea. And most of the suggestions are excellent. Like providing assistance to the disabled (rides to medical appointments, fan or air conditioners for their homes), or purchasing clothing and blankets for the homeless. Creating braille books for blind children. Helping people and communities that REALLY need help.

And then there is the ever present Crazy Facebook Lady. The same woman who is paying thousands in tuition to send her child to the "good" school in town. The "good" school where median household income is much higher than the household incomes of the school my kid attends. [side note: I do believe that a child will do well in school if they WANT to do well, and if the teachers are good. You don't need to pay $5,000 every year to learn alphabet at a fancy school when you can learn the same alphabet at any other school.] So what's my beef? The fact that I have gotten no less than 3 email pleas and at least 10 Facebook pleas to vote for a new library for the school her kid goes to. Wait, let me repeat that. She wants everyone she knows to vote for a $250,000 grant to build her child's school a new library. Not to buy braille books for blind children or provide school supplies to needy children, or support kids with disabilities. But to provide a new library to a school that doesn't need a new library.

Say it with me folks. What. The. Fuck?

And really, if I don't attend your school, why on earth would I vote for your school to receive money? If any school should get money wouldn't I want it to be the one that I send my child to? Stop trying to take money away from other people that REALLY need it. You go around boasting how you spend $500 on new school clothes for your 6 year old. How you spend $200 to take her to a special birthday dinner. Why don't you take some of that money and give it to the school for a new library? Why don't you ask all of your fellow school parents to do the same? Oh wait, that's right, because that school is entitled and feels like they should be given everything on a silver fucking platter because of where they live. Well whoop-de-fucking do.

These people disgust me. With all the things going on in this country right now and all the people that really need help and you're begging for a new and improved library. Unbelievable.

It's up to you

New York, Neeeeeeew Yooooooooork.......

New York has been on my mind.  I grew up in the Empire State and will always consider it home.  There is just something badass about being a NY native.  Something you can't describe, and that no one else can understand.  I get an overwhelming feeling of peace as the plane starts to circle the city for landing.

The Top Gay and I try to visit once a year but it never seems like quite enough.  The last time we went we stayed an extra day and crammed in 4 Broadway shows, dinner, museums and general soaking up of the city activities.  I just feel like I need to be there again.  Now.

I've been dying to take the kid along too.  I can't wait to show her around and see the awe in her eyes.  It was such a great experience roaming around the city as a kid.  My parents took us often and I'm so grateful for that.  Even if my mother always screeched "Take off your jewelry and lock your doors!"  As if some mad man was just waiting on us to exit the Midtown Tunnel.  For a woman that grew just outside the city and went to college IN the city, you'd think she'd be more relaxed.  But I guess when you're born high strung you don't ever lose that sense about you.

Anyway, I must find a date to go.  There are endless new restaurants waiting for us to dine.  Countless shows waiting for us to drop our jaws in overwhelmed delight.  I need to get nauseous in a taxi as the driver slams on the gas and brake with equal abandon.  I want to be jostled on the street and have a "Fuck you!" yelled at me for no reason.  I want to go home.

The Flu

So I started writing this whole post about my weekend and wondered if anyone really gives a rat's ass about what I did with my weekend (apple picking, puking, and urgent care - in that order). Then I wondered what else I could write about. Then work handed the post to me on a silver platter.

As you may recall, I work in a medical office. All clinical staff are strongly urged to get the flu shot. I don't think our new hospital group requires it but our old group did. As always, I declined the shot. I have to fill out and sign a declination form and state my reasons. I don't want the shot. Why do I have to explain my reasons?

But some of the reasons are amusing. Scared of needles. Afraid you will get the flu. Have never taken the flu shot. I just checked "Other" and stated that I don't believe in the effectiveness of the shot. And I really don't. The flu shot is only effective if they get the correct strains in the shot. Even then it's only 70-90% effective. Not 100%. So you are just taking a chance that they'll have it right this year and you'll be protected. But chances are they won't have it right and you'll still get some strain of the flu. And even if they DO have it right, you still have a 10-30% chance of getting the flu. What's the point?

I found an article on Slate by Robert Bazelle urging us all to get our flu shots. Per the article, "According to the federal Centers for Disease Control, the virus kills on average 36,000 Americans annually, a terrible toll—almost as many as die from auto accidents." 36,000 people killed annually. Yes, that is a lot, but in a nation of 310,216,319 people, that's a very small portion of the population. And most of those people that did die had some sort of underlying condition. Normal, healthy people aren't just keeling over from the flu. The CDC even says that you are still more likely to die in a auto accident than from the flu. Perhaps they can come up with a shot to vaccinate against idiots on the road instead.

I read some other comments where people feel it should be mandatory for health care workers to get the shot. "You could be walking around infected with the flu and dealing with patients before your symptoms appear!" Um, ok, did we not just discuss how the flu shot is not 100%? So if people get the shot they are to assume they are free and clear and not continue to use the basic precautions to prevent the transmission of germs? What's the difference?

Now of course my stance is based on the fact that I am a fairly healthy 36 year old. If you're elderly or have some sort of chronic or severe illness, then yes, maybe the flu shot is a good idea. But again, it's not a fail-safe. My father had the flu shot and the pneumonia shot (he had a severe chronic illness) yet he STLL got pneumonia and died. Maybe I should mark that as my reason for declining the vaccine?

Love/Hate

I thought I would list out 10 things that I love and 10 things that I hate.  Why not?

Things I love:

1.  Fall - it's almost fall and I love the cool air and the changing leaves.  Just beautiful
2.  Vacation/Travel - As my dad always told me "If you don't get away at least one a year, you're gonna go crazy."  How right he was!
3.  Sweets - I LOVE cake especially, but cookies, or any sweet treat will do.  I must have at least one sweet thing a day.
4.  Reading - Reading is just such a great escape for me.  I love to get lost in a book.
5.  Water - More specifically, the ocean.  I'm actually terrified of swimming in the ocean (I always think I'll be swept away by the current), but I love just sitting on a boat or in a cafe by the beach just staring out at the water.  It really makes you feel like you're at the end of the world.
6.  The Top Gay - What can I say?  He's listened to me laugh, cry and everything in between.  He doesn't judge me (to my face at least) and he always puts me in a good mood.  He stands by me and defends me and is just all around a wonderful guy.
7.  The Kid - She makes me laugh out loud every day.  She dramatic and smart and charming and fun.  I'm a lucky girl.
8.  The Husband - I guess I should put him in here too?  :-)
9.  Photography - I like to dream that some day I will know enough to do this as a profession, but in the meantime, I'll just keep striving to take the perfect photo.
10.  The stars - I have always loved to stare up at the night sky and think about how far away the stars are and how little we are in the grand scheme of things.  A dark night full of stars is the perfect ending to any day.


Things I hate:

1.  Flip flops - these are not shoes people.  If you're using a public shower or going to the beach, fine.  Otherwise, WEAR SHOES!
2.  Mayo - I'm gagging just typing that word.
3.  Feet - this should go along with the whole flip flop issue.  Feet are nasty and I don't want to see your mangled, dirty toes.  Disgusting.
4.  Stupid People - to clarify, I'm not talking about people with learning disabilities, but rather people that don't use common sense.  People that waste your time because they are worried about which air freshener to buy, or people that try to spread hatred through their own fears.
5.  Screaming kids - I never allowed the kid to scream.  Even when she talks loudly now, I tell her to tone it down. 
6.  Not having my Dad anymore - he passed away 3 years ago.
7.  Never feeling satisfied with myself - I could always lose a few more pounds, or run more, or read more, or, or, or......
8.  Roller coasters - they make me puke.  End of story.
9.  Winter - especially bitterly cold, blizzard-like winters.
10.  Religion - it's just brainwashing at it's best. 

Driving

I tend to drive like a maniac.  I know this.  It's like I'm in a race against myself every time I get behind the wheel.  I have to see how fast I can get to my destination even if I'm not in a hurry.  And when I'm in a hurry, it's a thousand times worse.

This morning I putzed around way too long in deciding what to wear to work.  All of a sudden I realize it's almost ten after eight and I have to be at work at 8:30.  It takes me 25 minutes to drive there.  So I run out the door and start my Mario Andretti drive to work.  First I get stuck behind a mini van.  What IS it with mini vans?  It's like as soon as someone purchases one, their driving skills automatically decrease by half.  Why must they stop half a mile behind the car in front of them?  I understand keeping a safe distance, but that's a little ridiculous.  Then they also must drive 10 miles below the speed limit.  You know what I'm talking about.  When was the last time you saw a mini van speeding?  Anywhere?  They don't.

And what is with people that must come to a complete stop on a major road before the make a turn.  YOU CANNOT DO THIS!  The flow of traffic is still moving at a good pace.  You cannot stop in the middle of the road to make a turn.  Or to avoid a biker as was the case for me over the weekend.  We were literally doing 75 on the highway and the guy in front of me literally came TO A STOP on the highway because there was a biker on the side of the road.  First of all, WHY IS THERE A BIKER ON THE HIGHWAY?!  Like man on a bicycle.  Not a motorcycle, a BICYCLE.  Secondly, I don't care how fast or slow you are driving, you cannot stop in the middle of a highway because there is someone on the side of the road.  Pull over into the other lane or pull off the highway to assist the person, but for god's sake, do not stop!

I spent a good chunk of my life in DC and I rode the metro quite a bit.  The rule on the escalators was "stand right, walk left."  People would literally just shout those four words as they were coming up the escalator.  The same rule needs to apply to driving.  If you're going to take a leisurely drive, stay in the right hand lane.  If you're going the speed limit or under, you belong in the right lane.  Which means you have no right to give me dirty looks in your rear view mirror when I ride your ass in the left lane (I'm looking at you gray Prius).

Look, I know I need to calm down or leave earlier or SOMETHING, but until that happens, everyone better get out of my way.

Flying

Overall, I'm not afraid of flying.  I have done a lot of it in my lifetime so it's very much second nature to me.  Every once in awhile though, I get a twinge of nervousness.  What makes me nervous you ask?  Well, first of all, the people that actually read the emergency evacuation pamphlet.  I know there are always first time flyers, but in an emergency, you should still instinctively know what to do.  Move toward and exit, open the door, evacuate.  I mean, it's pretty basic.  And, the majority of the other people on the plane will know what to do so worse case, you just follow their lead.

Secondly, a new flight attendant on a small aircraft also makes me nervous.  I had this situation just this weekend.  It was a prop plane with only 10 rows of seats.  The flight attendant was nervously pacing the aisle and writing stuff down.  She stopped between me and the kid quite a few times and was jotting stuff down.  Then she looked at the man next to me and wrote more stuff down.  She was in and out of her purse in the overhead bin and you could see her hands shaking.  When she did her announcements, she had to turn her back to us while she read word for word out of her little flight attendant handbook.  Even then, she messed up.  Like she couldn't remember where we were flying to (Atlanta) or what the pilot's name was (Corey).  So yeah, I got a little freaked out.  I hate those prop planes to begin with but then to have your "leader" in an emergency freaking out before we even take off?  Not so great for the nerves.

Long Weekend

It's Labor Day weekend and clearly the beginning of fall. The temps only got up to about 65 and there was a constant breeze blowing all day. We were finally able to turn off the A/C and throw open all the windows and doors. What a nice change of pace! It also helped to air out the house since I still have a germy one. Her fever was up and down all day today. She said she felt ok otherwise and seemed to be full of energy. I kept her tied down (not literally - although some days it's a possibility) as much as I could but did let her play with her friends for about an hour just to get out of the house.

I ran to the library to get a new book that I had requested. The Tower, The Zoo and the Tortoise by Julia Stuart. I read somewhere that it was a sleeper hit of the summer. So far so good.

I also picked up these:


Our local floral wholesaler was having a one day only 50% off sale. I randomly came across the sale on Facebook so I swung by and got myself a treat. There is just something about white roses. So pure and elegant. Love them!

Then, since the weather was just right, I made this:


It looks much better in person and tastes even better than it looks. Chocolate chip cake. Mmmm..... Guess it's time to get out my fat pants.

Friday Night

So it's 10:30pm on Friday and I'm sitting in my dark bedroom listening to my sickly six year old sleep next to me.

When I got home from work everything was fine. I walked the dog (who would not stop barking and jumping until I took her out) and chatted with the husband. The kid was playing with her friend and complained of a cough. I gave her some cough medicine and sent her on her way. Less than an hour later she sent her friend home (!!!) and told me her throat hurt from coughing.

I was about to head out for my weekly Wal-Mart run and the kid wanted to come with me. As we were pulling into the parking lot, she zonked out. We drove around for a bit and then just headed home. I got her into our bed and got the tv turned on. When I kissed her forehead to test her temp she was burning up. 102.3. Ouch. So I gave her some Motrin and sat with her for a bit. About a half out later I went back to Wal-Mart by myself to stock up on Powerade, Motrin and crackers. When I got home she seemed better so we finished up Camp Rock 2: the Final Jam and now she's sleeping. Hopefully soundly for the night.

But in all of this, I'm grateful. In my random blog reading this week I found a woman in Utah who was in a terrible plane crash 2 years ago and was burned on over 80% of her body. As I read her blog, I am reminded of how good I have it. While there are a lot of things that make me unhappy in my life right now, all of those things are pretty superfluous. I have a job, a family, and good health for all of us. I don't struggle with intense pain just trying to get out of bed every day. I don't have to endure surgeries and long hospital stays. I am lucky. And thankful.

And now I'm off to sleep because I feel a bit sick myself. Not sure if it's sympathy nausea or the real deal. And I'm not sure how much sleep we'll get tonight. But this too shall pass. I just hope it passes without any major puking.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

So what DID you want to be when you grew up?  Were your dreams spot on or did you veer off the path a bit?

I never had a clear vision of what I wanted to be when I grew up.  I just wanted to grow up.  That's it.  I wanted to be able to do whatever I wanted to do.  My mom desperately wanted one of us to become a nurse like her (I couldn't stand the sight of oozing wounds or traumatic injuries so I knew it wouldn't be me).  It ended up that none of us became nurses.  My sister became a psychologist and I work in a medical office so I guess we're close, but not the big winners.

I can clearly remember being in 5th grade and doing a project on what we wanted to be when we grew up.  Most kids picked the standard answers:  doctor, lawyer, vet, teacher, maybe a ballerina or astronaut thrown in for good measure.  I remember looking around the room and thinking that I didn't want to be ANY of those things.  That there was nothing inside of me saying "I want to be [insert job here] when I grow up!"  So what did I do?  I took what I thought was a "cool" sounding job and chose that. 

Yep, I declared to all of the 5th grade at Round Hill Elementary that I wanted to be an Air Traffic Controller.  I drew my required picture of the tower at the airport and a little me inside the window.  At this point I knew I loved to travel and I knew that air traffic controllers worked at the airport so really, what could be better?

I think about it all today and just laugh.  If only I had known what that job actually was and how stressful it can be.  I'm not totally convinced that it would have changed my mind because what 10/11 year old really understands stress, long hours, and talking down a plane in an emergency situation?  That probably only would have made me think the job was SO AWESOME!

When I got to college and had to declare a major I STILL didn't know what I wanted to do with myself.  At first I said "pre-med" because it sounded smart and cool, but I really had no interest in it.  I thought that's just what I was suppose to say.  One semester of chemistry and that idea was out the window.  I floated around taking required courses for awhile when my mother started hounding me again about a major and what I wanted to do with my life.  One day at breakfast a friend told me she was majoring in International Relations.  Again, I thought it sounded cool so I went for it.  This, of course, freaked out my mother because it wasn't a degree that led to one specific job.  I wasn't going to graduate and be a doctor, a nurse, a lawyer, a teacher, or anything.  I was just going to be a college grad with a worthless degree.  But eh, my mother has never been one to deter me so I blew her off and went forward with my grand plan (read: just graduating).

In the end it all worked out for me as I got a job in DC doing.....International Relations!  I worked on Capitol Hill for a few years and then transitioned to lobbying.  Now I'm not doing anything remotely related to any of that which has brought me full circle back to "what do I want to be when I grow up?"  I know it's not what I'm doing now.  I know I still want to do whatever I want to do and I do still love to travel.  So, anyone have any ideas for me?  I'm not sure I'm ready to grow up, but I'm ready to start thinking about it.

Kids

So I had a pregnancy scare recently.  As I said to the Top Gay "When sex ends with the words 'uh oh' that's never a good thing."  Of course the husband went blissfully about his life while I nervously bit my fingernails to the nub.  Thankfully, the old bat showed up, caused me crippling pain, and made me curse the fate of being a woman.  So all is right with the world again.

But the scare made me think a lot (as opposed to normally when I don't think at all.  Who's got the time for that anyway?).  I would REALLY like for the kid to have a sibling.  I'm very close to mine and we've been through a lot together.  As I get older and slightly crazier, I'd like for the kid to have someone to call and say "Is she for real?" and know that they completely understand what she is talking about.  The flip side of that is that right now, I just cannot afford another child.  Well, I probably could if I REALLY, REALLY wanted one, but I don't think I do so I'd rather save my pennies for another cruise. 

But anyway....

I'm just not a good mother to infants.  When the kid was born, I didn't instantly bond with her.  I went through a phase of "What the hell do I do with this thing?  Can't someone make her stop crying?"  I also went through a deep depression which was no fun at all.  Well, except for the extreme weight loss which was nice, but otherwise feeling like crap all the time just generally sucked.  I also don't like dealing with someone who is totally dependent on me.  I don't enjoy wiping asses or hand feeding.  I'm not down with being puked on and having to have someone attached to me 24/7.  Yes, I'm selfish but this isn't news, people.  Isn't there a way that the universe can just deliver me a child of my own making that is instantly 5 years old?  One that automatically knows the rules and how to take care of him/herself?  One who knows we are his/her parents and that the other kid is his/her sibling?  As if they've been there all along but we didn't have to deal with all the stuff that comes along with pregnancy, birth and infancy?  Cause that would be cool.

And speaking of 5 year olds...the neighbor kid showed up yesterday looking to play with my kid.  Neighbor kid just opened the door to the house (via the garage) and let himself in.  I got up off the couch and went to the door thinking the wind just blew it open.  Nope, there was a kid there asking for my kid.  So I told him that in the future, he needs to go to the FRONT DOOR and RING THE BELL if he wants/needs my kid.  You don't just let yourself in.  I mean, his parents seem like decent people, but WTF?  How does a kid not know to knock or ring the bell before entering a stranger's house?  Ok, we aren't TOTAL strangers, but still...knock.  Or I'm gonna knock your head off, kid.

Work. Sucks.

Well, not in a "I hate my job" kind of way.  More in a "I'm busier than a Jehovah's Witness at Doors Unlimited" sort of way.  We are going through a transition to a new management company and EVERYTHING that I work on has to be redone in order to make the move.  EVERYTHING.  And that's a lot of shit.  Then I have a bunch of new stuff coming down the pipe.  The new stuff comes in spurts and it's just a wave that has chosen to hit now.  Which sucks.  But I'm doing the best I can to get through it all.  When I'm frustrated, I remind myself that vacation is only 9 days away.

So in the middle of all this crap, I have one company (a new project) that is literally calling me 15 times a day.  Almost every hour they call, and then hang up on my voicemail.  This drives me absolutely fucking insane.  If you need to speak to me, leave a message.  If you don't, then send an email.  Every single time you call and hang up, that resets the clock on when I will call you back.  It may be childish, but it's what I do.  You piss me off when you do that and when I'm pissed, I retaliate.  So yeah, keep on doing that honey.  You'll be lucky to hear from me before vacation.

These are the same people that had the audacity to email me yesterday and demanded to know why the contract wasn't signed yet.  "What's the hold up?"  Um, the hold up is that the Chairman of the Board hasn't signed it yet.  I'm not going to call him and ask him why either.  When he gets to it, he gets to it.  End of story.  I don't care what sort of rush you are in.  WE are not in a rush.  WE can't do anything with your stuff for another week anyway.  So back off!

The good news in all of this is that it appears that this group uses a lot of paper.  We do not.  Everything we do in house is done electronically.  Yes, there is always some paper floating around, but generally, everything is done via the computer.  So what's the good news?  The good news is that the boss man is going to back out of the project if the rep today says there is no way we can do electronic.  I have no clue what the ramifications of this statement would be, but it gives me a sick little sense of joy knowing that I might be able to stick it to the bitch that won't stop calling me.

Clean house

So a new cleaning crew was coming today to take care of my house.  Remember how my old cleaning lady had to go out for back surgery and I was pissed off that I would have to clean the house myself?  Well, the dearest husband o' mine called up the folks that clean his old frat house on campus and asked them if they did private homes as well.  They said they did and came over to have a look-see.  They told him they would just accept whatever we paid our previous person so of course Frugal Fanny told them the price was about half of what we normally pay.  I'm not complaining though.  I do have a cruise to finance (yes, the Top Gay and I booked it and we leave at the end of the month!).  Anyway, today was their first day.

Now in general, I AM one of those people that cleans before the cleaning people come.  No, I don't pre-scrub the toilets or anything but I do pick up the dirty underwear that is scattered around the house and try to put the dirty dishes into the dishwasher rather than leave them in the sink.  I also try to pick up the shit ton of toys and games that my kid leaves laying around.  Just a general pick up and de-clutter if you will.  This morning I felt ultra frazzled since I haven't had time to prepare for the new crew.  Work has been busy and I seem to be off in 80 different directions lately so I just haven't prepared.  The old cleaning person wasn't as big of a deal.  She knew us and our dirty laundry so I got to a point where I didn't feel as hard pressed to clean before her arrival.  I still did it, but I wasn't fanatical about it.  Today I left the house in a near panic ordering my kid to pick up her crap because the cleaning people were coming.  I do wonder how much cleaning crews are like hairdressers.  I know our "old" lady did share gossip and stories with another person she cleaned for.  I use to work with this person (which is how I found her in the first place) and would always hear about what B told her about me when she was cleaning.  The last thing I want is a bunch of people around town knowing about the shit inside my house (literally and figuratively of course).

So I'll depart work here shortly and head home to see how things are.  I hope it's good because we sure did need a cleaning (and lord knows I'm too lazy to do it myself). 

Journeys

I'm getting pretty sick and tired of listening to people tell me how I should be happy because other people have it worse than I do.  While I acknowledge that there are people that DO have it worse than me, it doesn't mean that my problems are any less real or any less difficult for me to deal with.  Yes, there are people who are starving while I have food on my table every night.  Yes, there are people with children dying of cancer while I have a child whose biggest issue right now is an infection in her finger.  Yes, there are people who are homeless while I have a (big) roof over my head.  I get all of that.  But I don't feel guilty or ashamed of what I DO have.  My husband and I have worked hard for what we have.  And I'm not saying that other people don't.  Everyone falls on hard times.  Lord knows we have, but it still doesn't mean that when I complain about something, it isn't important to me.  And y'know what?  REAL friends understand that.  Yes, we can laugh at how silly some of it may seem in the grand scheme of things, but true friends also talk through the issue, calm fears, and help find solutions.  Not just throw out "well, so and so has it much worse than you!"

Everyone has their own journey in life.  I can be there to support those that I'm close to but even still, when something happens, there is only so much of myself that I can invest in a situation that isn't truly my own.  I really do believe that we have to go through things to learn our lessons and to move forward.  Having someone else fret over an issue that doesn't involve them really does no good.  Yes, we can feel pain, sympathy, and loss for other people, but at some point you have to draw the line.  If you asked someone if they really wanted you to stop your life for them and their issues, they would say no.  So be a good friend and listen to the problems of others.  Offer a solution or a helping hand if need be.  But for the love of god, don't tell them some sob story about how fortunate they are and they don't really understand how hard it is for other people.

I know that none of the people I'm talking about read this blog.  Although perhaps today should be the day I forward it on to them.

White Whine

There is a great website called White Whine.  The site is full of comments from white people about how hard their lives are.  Things like "I really hope my doorman doesn't go on strike this week" and "My iPad is really heavy!"  While they don't update the site as much as I would like, I do enjoy the comments.  I, myself, have had a White Whine kind of week.  Let me explain (read: whine).

Tuesday, my cleaning lady came to do our house.  While there she told my husband that she is going in for back surgery on Thursday (today!!) and will be out of commission for 6-8 weeks.  My initial thought was "Fuck!"  Not "gee, I hope she's ok" but "FUCK!  I am going to have to clean my own house?!"  Uh, yeah.  Those 4.5 baths don't clean themselves, people.

Yesterday we had a benefits meeting for a new company we are going to merge with.  Thing I'm pissy about?  My PTO time.  I will be forced to cash out my time at the time of the transition and I will have to start with ZERO hours when we are with the new group.  ZERO.  This is like a death sentence to me.  How on earth am I suppose to survive with ZERO PTO time?  My husbands response?  "Can't you just ask them to make you a manager so you don't have to worry about PTO time?"  Oh, right.  I forgot.  I can just snap my fingers and make anything happen.  I've just been too lazy to do it all this time.  I mean, snapping is really hard!  It's why I haven't snapped up the lottery numbers yet.  My fingers are tired.  But fuck....ZERO PTO time.  Ugh.

In response to the impending doom of zero PTO time, I've been looking at vacations with the Top Gay.  We found a cruise that starts in Rome, goes to Sicily, Athens, Turkey and Crete.  We can get a balcony room for $950 for the week!  The only issue is the airfare is running about $1500.  Sure, we could probably find something cheaper, but we are only willing to fly on select airlines so that we can upgrade to first class.  I mean, I'm not slummin' it in coach for 10 hours.  I need my fine dining, booze and extra large reclining seat.

So yeah, my life is HARD people.  If this cruise doesn't work out, I might have to take my kid to Disney instead. 

Mix Tape Blog Post

I found this idea online and thought I would give it a whirl.  I also need something mindless to do today since my head is full of crap that is bothering me and I'd like to think about something else for awhile.  Anyway, the idea for this entry is this:

Put your iPod on Shuffle.  ID the song that comes on and talk about what memories, thoughts or emotions it brings up.

So, here we go!

Fields of Gold  -Sting

I love Sting.  He's always been one of my all time favorite artists.  He's one you can always fall back on when you don't know what else to listen to.  And let's face it, Sting is hot.  Sometimes he's a little too crunchy for me what with his whole saving the rainforests and whatnot.  Just sing and be sexy, ok?  Cause I'm not buying your music due to your political beliefs.  I paid good money to listen to you sing and to possibly oogle you a bit.  That's all.

This song is very soothing.  Perhaps my iPod knows I need relaxing music today.

Just a Boy - Harry Connick, Jr.

I went through a phase where I was utterly obsessed with HCJ.  I dig his big band style of music.  I wanted a HCJ song at as my first dance at my wedding but the husband felt like we couldn't really dance to it.  Quite frankly, HE couldn't dance to it, but then again, he can't really dance, period.

This song is playing so quietly on my iHome that I have to jack up the sound just to hear it.  10 bucks says the next song is blaring causing the office to wonder what the hell is going on in my office.  But again, another soothing song.  I love you today iPod!

Yo Ho (A Pirate's Life for Me) - The Pirates of the Caribbean

HA!  I actually forgot that I had this on my iPod.  This is my absolute favorite ride of all time.  I will literally beg my 6 year old to let us go on this ride first when we are at Disney World.  Then I will get off and ride again as many times as the kid will let me.  Perhaps I was a pirate in my former life.  Who knows, but how can you not adore Jack Sparrow??  But even before Jack came along I loved this ride.  The bombs going off in the water around your boat, the drunk passed out in the mud with the pigs, the dog with the keys looking at the crazy prisoners that are whistling at him.  Just fabulous.

Ask the Lonely - Journey

We are getting in to quite an eclectic mix now aren't we?  Journey just makes me think of the '80s.  Having sleepovers and staying up until all hours talking about boys.  I guess I never grew out of that since this is what I do when I stay with the Top Gay. 

By the way, have you seen that guy that replaced Steve Perry as the lead singer?  It's almost creepy how much he sounds like him.  Kinda cool though that the group is re-born, so to speak.

Man in the Mirror - Michael Jackson

Ok, fine, you now know that I have MJ on my iPod.  Sue me.  Well, I know you won't because you are too busy sobbing over his death of nearly a year ago.  Crying into your glittered glove.  But MJ is a classic.  I use to have the Jackson 5 poster on my bedroom wall.  I use to laugh at Tito's ginormous 'fro.  I even had the Thriller picture disk that I refused to play on my record player for fear that it would scratch and ruin it. 

Love, Oh Love - Lionel Richie

Well, it looks like my iPod is trying to sell me out.  Showing off all my old school hits when I choose to write a blog post about it.  No current, hip songs.  Just some classic artists that really define who I am.  I see what you're up to, iTouch.  I know your game.

Anyway, Lionel Richie was the first concert I ever went to.  In Madison Square Garden no less!  My mother let my sister and I go with friends.  And basically unsupervised.  I was 13 at the time and my sister was 15.  I still cannot believe my mother allowed us to do that.  But it was the Dancin' on the Ceiling Tour and the people behind us were smoking pot.  I don't know how on earth I knew that it was pot, but I did.  I loved that show and thought I was hot shit for going.  Even wore my tour t-shirt to school the next day.  I'm a badass.

Bali Ha'i - South Pacific

Yeah, now we're bringing out the show tunes!  I went to see South Pacific last year with the Top Gay.  One of my favorite shows of all time.  It's funny because I remember watching the movie with my dad as a kid and not really liking it that much.  And I remember it being LONG.  In fact, that was the first thing I said to the Top Gay when we sat down for the show.  While the show wasn't as long as I remember it being, it was still fabulous.

Ok, last song.....

This Time - Janet Jackson

Janet is right up there with Sting for me.  I use her music for workouts, when I'm pissed, or when I'm feeling rebellious (among other things).  She is just so amazing.  I've seen her in concert twice now and they were both THE BEST shows I have ever been to.  She really sings (no lip syncing) and dances her ass off.  I've always wished I could be one of her backup dancers, but alas, I'm not cool (or talented) enough.  Janet rocks.

Family History

I am addicted to ancestry.com.  ADDICTED.  That website is like crack.  And they know it too since they charge what I consider to be an assload of money just to access public information.  BUT all that public information is in one place and easily searchable, so......

Back in February a friend of mine sent me some info about a distant relative that was a sculptor in Italy.  There was all this information about the man and I was fascinated.  My friend told me that his father was cleaning out his office closet and found a folder full of family history that has been passed down.  He got excited about the possibility of discovering his family and signed up at ancestry.com.  Of course, within an hour I did the same.

It started out easy enough.  I emailed my mother and she gave me what she knew off of the top of her head.  For the first two weeks I was a madwoman.  I spent all day every day working on this family tree.  I was amazed at the information that popped up.  I kept digging and digging and would call my mother at 10pm in the middle of the week with questions.  When she answered the phone I wouldn't even say hello but rather just shout "Great grandma's last name was Butler, wasn't it?!"  Even she was amazed at what I was finding.

It's been almost 2 months since I started on this journey.  I've now created a tree for my husband's family as well.  I granted him access to the tree and then got pissed off that he would log in and mess with it (in case you forgot, I have control issues).  I tried to remind myself that it was HIS tree anyway so he could do what he wanted with it.  But then i would tell him over dinner about how what he had added to the tree was stupid.  Come on, you should not be surprised at my bitchiness by this point.  Anyway, both trees have people going back almost to the 900's which is freakin' amazing.  Ancestry.com keeps giving me information so I keep adding the people.  I feel like I have to follow and investigate EVERY SINGLE LEAD.  I mean, what if I am related to a King (which I am by the way)?  I need to know this!

I have gotten stuck on my dad's side.  I'm as far back as my great great grandparents and then the trail runs dry.  I know that my great grandfather was orphaned so finding out about his parents has been hard.  Then there is my great grandfather on my paternal gradmother's side.  Apparently he walked out on his family and remarried.  I've found bits and pieces but for some reason cannot find his parents or his first wife's parents.  I finally bit the bullet about 2 weeks ago and ordered his birth certificate online.  Up until this point I've been very hesitant about spending money on this gig.  I'm very much into the process but also don't want to spend a fortune just to find out who my relatives are.  In any case, every single day now I race to the mailbox to see if the birth certificate has arrived and it hasn't.  I want and need to order more documents but I want to see what I get with this first one before I go further along the same route.

I'm not as gung ho about the tree as I was a month and a half ago, but I'm still plugging along.  I've found that it's good to take a break and then revisit what I've done.  I start to see things that blew right past me in my flurry of activity.  And trust me, every little piece of information helps.  An initial, a date, a location.  It just narrows the search and helps to pinpoint the person you are looking for.  Overall it's been a great experience and really eye opening.  I find myself wondering about what life was like for Pepin the Short King of Franks and his wife Betrade Big Foot Laon.  Or what about Boleslav the Cruel Prince of Bohemia (what made him cruel?) and Sigurd Snake Eyes King of Danes?  I guess once I'm done getting people on the tree I'll have my work cut out for me in finding more of their actual history.

Health Care Part Deux

I am thrilled that the health care bill passed.  I'm overjoyed that Obama signed the bill into law today.  Three cheers (and then some) for reform!

Do I think the bill is perfect?  No.  Do I think it will solve all of our problems?  Of course not.  But it's a step in the right direction.  We cannot move forward unless we make changes.  Yes, change can be scary, but that's no reason to stand idle. 

I am still fired up by people that oppose this bill.  One person I know said that they were upset that now they have to "bust their ass so that lazy people that don't work can have health care."  Ok, first of all, that is so fucking ridiculous I cannot even believe I heard it.  Secondly, way to group a few bad apples into an entire population.  Are there people that are lazy and don't work?  Yes.  Is everyone that is unemployed lazy and not wanting to work?  No.  In case you forgot, we are still in a recession.  Unemployment is at an all time high.  The majority of these people WANT to work.  Some of them are even paying for insurance via COBRA.  On the flip side, there are quite a few people in this country that DO work yet still have no benefits.  My husband is one such person.  Without my job and benefits, he would have nothing.  He is self employed and is deemed uninsurable due to pre-exisiting medical conditions (ironically he is against reform as well).  I have other friends that work full time but are offered ZERO benefits from their employers.  So before you start spewing your hatred, you should take a look around.

Then we have the lovely folks who are pissed that the bill passed ("What about the Constitution?!") and are also pissed that Rep. Stupak made a deal on abortion language.  Ok, so you are against the government making decisions about your health care, yet you are FOR the government making decisions about your health care.  Yeah, that makes sense.  Don't tell me what I can or cannot do with my insurance but you damn well better tell everyone else what they can or cannot do with their bodies.  Right.

My main issue is this:  You have no right to complain about ANYTHING (health care or otherwise) unless you are willing to do something about it.  This reform bill was not a breaking news surprise.  We all knew it was coming.  Every single person in this country could have written their Senator or Rep.  They could have called the White House.  They could have protested.  But the majority of them didn't.  They sat at home in front of their televisions and yelled and screamed and the injustice of it all.  You have the power to make a change and didn't use it.  Don't complain that you don't like the results.  It's no one's fault but your own.

Finally, when did it become so horrible and wrong to actually help other people?  What is so terrible about lending a hand to those less fortunate then ourselves?  Why are people not even looking at those around them and seeing how they are affected by this?  One person I know lost a family member due to poor health care yet he is against reform.  Huh?  Why would you want other people to suffer the same way you did?  I have a friend with cancer who has to be careful how often she gets her treatments and therapy because her insurance only allows so much per year.  Why should she have to fight cancer this way?  We are one of the most powerful nations in the world yet we are ranked 37th in terms of health care for our people.  That is a disgrace.  Insurance companies have been far too greedy for far too long.  I understand that they are a for profit business and should be allowed to make money.  They should not, however, be allowed to make money off the backs of people that rely on them just to live.

At least the new healthcare bill will pay for the therapy I'll need after listening to the BS about the healthcare bill

Oh. My. God. Please pass this fucking bill today so that I can finally have an end to this moronic bullshit. I have a friend on Facebook that I consider a second mother to me. Every day for the last 3 days it has been as though she is holding her own teabagger revolt via Facebook status updates. I want to post back and say "SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!" and then ask her if she's even READ the bill. But I know in true teabagger fashion, she'll just say that it's not HER job to read the bill. Yes, you can just bitch the days away without even knowing what the fuck you are talking about!

And what is with everyone saying "What about the Constitution?" What about it? It says in Article I that "The Congress shall have Power To lay and collect Taxes, Duties, Imposts and Excises, to pay the Debts and provide for the common Defence and general Welfare of the United States." Isn't that kinda what we are doing here?

And now there are protesters in DC hurling slurs at Members of Congress. Words such as nigger and faggot. Really? And you expect people to take you seriously? Look, if you want to protest, have at it. That's what makes his country great. Use the power of your voice. Call your Congressman and Senator. Write letters and Op-Eds. Start a petition. But using slurs is just disgusting and tasteless. And it brings down EVERYONE who stands on your side of the issue. This isn't about the color of someone's skin or their sexual orientation. It's about people being SCARED of change. It's about opposition believing anything they are told. Even by someone who has used the socialized medicine in Canada and writes notes on her hand.

These are the people that scare me:



I work in healthcare and I really wish these people could see the struggles that good people go through because private insurance deems them not worthy of treatment. I would like to see what these people would do if they ever lost their insurance or god forbid were struck down with a life threatening disease that most insurance carriers limit treatment for. There is the old saying "walk a miles in their shoes" before you go judging and making assumptions about people. But I guess that's not going to happen.

Forgiveness

I'm still on a movie watching kick.   This weekend I caught Forgiving Dr. Mengele which is a documentary about Auschwitz survivor Eva Kor.  Eva and her twin sister were unwillingly subjected to Dr. Mengele's research while imprisoned at Auschwitz.   This was a fascinating story.  A version of events that I had never heard before.  It is both sickening and inspiring.

Obviously, the premise of this story is forgiveness.  Eva is a remarkable woman and has found it within herself to forgive the Nazi's for what they did both to her and her family.  The catch is that not everyone agrees with Eva's position.  Many other Auschwitz survivors are furious at Eva's position.  One even said that she could never forgive and she would never be happy.  That just blew me away.  To me, she is letting the Nazi's continue to rule her life.  She's letting them win.  Let it go!

Eva describes forgiveness as letting that part of her life go.  She is healing her soul (how very Oprah-esque!).  I think this woman has got it right!  I think many people (including myself sometimes) view forgiveness as a way of excusing the offensive behavior.  What Eva is saying is not that she excuses the behavior, but rather that she refuses to let those incidents have control over her life.  Forgiveness sets her free from those chains and allows her to live.  Will she ever forget the Holocaust?  Of course not.  Will she ever feel that what happened was in any way OK?  Absolutely not.  But kudos to this badass woman for saying hey, you imprisoned me once, you will not imprison me again! 

I think everyone should see this movie.  It's a great story of strength, determination and of course, forgiveness.  It's also a great reminder that many of the things in our lives are pretty trivial compared to the bigger picture.

Random Thoughts

I threw out my back on Sunday night while loading the dishwasher.  Yes, really.  I did.  And I am NOT that old.  I swear!  Anyway, I've been hobbling around all week.  I stopped by the chiropractor on Tuesday and he fixed me up a little.  Problem is, this guy is rough.  He admits he's rough but that's how he adjusts people.  So not only did he get my hips and back re-aligned, he made me pretty damn sore on top of it.

Ok, forget it.  I'm just stopping here.  There is no way I can continue to write this post about my ailing back without sounding like I'm writing porn. 

Since I've been lazing around all week due to my condition, I am completely caught up on Tivo.  Shocking, no?  And since I haven't been running this week, I am amazed at how much time I seem to have on my hands.  So last night after the kid went to bed I went to Netflix streaming to see what was available.  I went to the Oscar category and picked the Foreign Language Film winner from 2009.  It's a movie called Departures and I must say it's quite interesting.  I am laughing though because the whole time I'm watching it I'm thinking "The Top Gay will NEVER watch this movie!"  Basically it's about a man who loses his job and returns home only to take a new job helping to prepare dead bodies for burial.  The Top Gay has serious issues with dead bodies.  And this film will NOT go over well with him.  Anyway, about half way through the flick I got exhausted (watching movies while laying around all week is HARD) so I went to bed.  Will finish up tonight and let you know.

Speaking of the Top Gay, he is the winner of the "Things Taken Out Of Context" line today.  I hereby give you his words of wisdom:

"In the waiting room waiting for the vampire to inject the tumors."

HA!  Classic.

And my final random thought for today, why the hell is everyone leaving for vacation EXCEPT FOR ME?!  Ugh.  This is, like, one of my biggest issues in life.  I am EXTREMELY jealous when people go on vacation and I'm stuck at home with nothing on the horizon.  It blows.  The Top Gay is cheating on me and jetting off to St. Maarten with a lesbian.  My mother is off to India (for fun).  H is off to the Caribbean next week.  My boss is off to some beachy spot this weekend followed by my other boss who departs next week.  Suckage all around.  I guess I will go home and finish my movie and be grateful that I'm not washing and putting makeup on dead bodies for a living.

I have control issues

I have control issues.  I know this and try to work with it, but sometimes, I can't.  I need to be in control of my life, my body, my surroundings....everything!  I will never be a drug addict or an alcoholic because I need to know that I am in control of myself.  I don't like taking prescription medications because I do not like knowing exactly what will happen to me when I ingest them.  Things are suppose to work a certain way and when they don't, I panic.  I even get freaked out when I'm driving somewhere and get lost.  Seriously.  I am that bad.  So when my darling husband made appointments for our cars this week, I freaked out.  Yes, I have no where else I need to be during the day except in this office, but I am freaking out over the fact that my car is not in the parking lot and I cannot just up and leave whenever I want.  As if I was even allowed to dart off at the drop of a hat to do anything during the work day.  What if I suddenly NEED flowers for my office?  What if I'm crippled by a migraine and have no medicine?  I am just stuck here.  Trapped.  Please pass the paper bag.

Triple toe loooooop...

Last night I sat around the house staring blankly into space.  Why you ask?  Because I was at a loss for what to do now that the Olympics are over.  I love the Olympics.  I'm definitely more of a summer games kind of girl, but I'll put up with the winter games as a way to pass the time until my true love comes back in 2 more years.

The 2010 games just seemed odd to me.  They started out with the Georgian luger dying before we even got started.  It was AFTER he crashed at 90mph into a steel pole that they decided "Hey, maybe we should cover these beams of death."  But beyond that, there just seemed to be a lot of wonky things.  Like the weather.  So if you were first on the ski jump, you did well.  If you were in the middle of the pack, the wind picked up and you maybe reached half the distance of the previous person.  On downhill competitions, the snow would be great at the top of the hill but mush at the bottom.  The Sliding Center battled keeping the ice hard enough for all the sleds.  I know that the Olympic folks can't control the weather but damn, it just seemed so sloppy.  Shouldn't we have winter games in places where it's guaranteed to be freezing cold all winter long?  Like, say, Siberia?

And then there were the competitors themselves.  A lot of them wow'ed us as predicted.  Apolo Ohno, Kim Yu-Na, Shaun White, etc.  But was it just me or was there some sort of fuck up or accident every single time you turned on the tv?  I don't know how many bobsled crashes I witnessed.  Including one by a German team where the brake person was ejected only to have the sled flip over and have the pilot slide down the track on his head with a sled on top of him.  How many figure skaters fell during their jumps?  Or mogul racers who crashed?  I'm not sure if the competitors were pushing themselves harder, whether they were ill prepared, or perhaps it was the conditions.  Who knows, but it seemed like a very amateur version of the games.

What are some things that I will not miss about the Olympics this year?  For one, the cowbells.  What the fuck is with the cowbells?  Do they hand them out to people as they enter the event?  Where does one even find a cowbell to purchase?  And why on God's green earth do you need to scream and shake a cowbell when a skier, bobsledder or luger comes flying by?  Is cheering not enough anymore?

I will not miss NBC's coverage or commentating.  I will not miss Mary Carillo (lesbian!) and her stories about Canada.  I'm here to watch top athletes perform, not to learn about Canadian logging.  It's bad enough that the premier events were on at 11pm EST or later.  I don't need my evening eaten up by the promise of events after the break only to have to listen to some story about polar bears. 

Kim Yu-Na DID skate a beautiful performance, but really, is saying "The coronation is complete!  The queen has arrived!" really necessary, Tom Hammond?  Can you please hold back your emotions when speaking about a performance?  It's fucking figure skating.  Not your child pooping on the potty for the first time.

So while it may seem like I DIDN'T enjoy the Olympics, I really did.  I always enjoy watching people at the top of their game.  I enjoy rooting for the US to kick Russia's ass.  What I don't enjoy is the endless blather by commentators or the shitty programming schedule.  Hopefully NBC will bring their A game to London in 2012.

I think I need a Facebook break

I'm not sure if it's a rite of passage, the full moon, or just me, but I really think I need a break from Facebook. 

Over the last few days I've been driven to near rage just reading the idiotic comments people have posted.  For example, in (slightly) upstate NY (where I grew up) they received about 2 feet of snow.  The posts started showing up about how power was out and people were huddled around candles.  No one really complained much.  Then, of course, the whiners begin to chime in.  One in particular issues a plea for help as her generator was running out of gas and her husband wouldn't be home for 2 more days.  Yes, her GENERATOR.  Are you fucking kidding me?  The majority of people in this world don't OWN a generator and you're bitching because you're about to run out of gas?  Who do you want to save you?  The people that are already freezing their asses off?  "I need a plow or someone to bring me gas!"  Oh I'm sorry Your Highness, I'll get right on that.

30 hours later this person posted again.  "30 hours with no power = no water = dirty kids."  Her kids are elementary school aged.  They participate in dance competitions.  They are not the kind of kids that are rolling around in the mud (if there even was any mud to be had).  What exactly are they doing that they are so horrifically dirty?  Get a grip.

Another friend in Texas was freaking out about the dusting of snow they received.  I know Texas doesn't get snow regularly, but to post a photo on FB of the snow on the grass and the dry sidewalks and streets and then say "I don't understand WHY they haven't closed school!" is a little ridiculous.

Then there were the people frantically worried about some long lost friend in Hawaii.  "If you read this, please let us know you're ok!"  If you were really a good friend, you would pick up the phone and CALL this person rather than giving a shout out on Facebook.  I think this person might be busy moving to higher ground and not worried about contacting people she clearly hasn't spoken to since college.

I also don't like being solicited for charity donations via FB.  I appreciate that you are trying to raise money for cancer research but please don't send me 10 messages and post on my wall how you REALLY need my money.  If I have the money and want to donate, I will.  If I can't donate, or only want to donate to my local charity, I will.  Asking me 10,000 times is not going to get me to give you my cash.  It will only make me NOT donate out of spite.

I appreciate Facebook and it's ability to let me reconnect with people I haven't seen or spoken to in a long time.  It's nice to get a quick peek into their lives.  However, this does not mean that I need or want to know when you wiped your ass or how you think Downs Syndrome is a not a disease and 99% of people won't repost this.  Maybe it IS me.  Or maybe I just need to find better "friends".

Who's crazy?

Who's crazy to live their whole life

Believing that somehow things aren't as bizarre as they are?

Remembering when I was 20 and brilliant and bold

Those are song lyrics from a fabulous Broadway show called Next to Normal. I recently saw the show with the Top Gay and am obsessed with the soundtrack. While there are a lot of ways that the songs from the show ring true for me, I've been thinking about how appropriate they are for the last few weeks at work.

Example:

The Martyr: "What language do they speak in Spain?"
Me: "uh, Spanish?"
The Martyr: "Oh, ok. I was sure if they spoke, like French-Spanish or something."

Really? I have seriously started looking around to see if I'm on candid camera. There has GOT to be someone waiting to jump out and tell me I've been punk'd.

But all of this wackiness has led me to think about my life a bit. I never, as a child, thought "When I grow up, I want to live in a small mid-western town and do administrative work in a medical office. THAT'S my dream job!" Actually, I can vividly remember being in 3rd grade and being asked to draw a picture of what I wanted to be when I grew up. My answer? An air traffic controller. Seriously. I thought that sounded so important and cool. And all the other kids were saying they wanted to be doctors, firemen, police officers. Even at age 8 I knew that I didn't want to do what other people were doing. When I look back I think it's pretty damn awesome that I thought that way at that age.

When I look at my life now and I think, how the hell did I end up here? I mean, I KNOW how I ended up here, but it's amazing how your dreams get pushed aside for life in general. I don't have a miserable life by any means. I have a decent, steady job (which in this economy is a plus), a nice home, a great family, food in the cabinets and clothes on my back. Right now that's a lot more than many people have and I get that. But I just think there is something fundamentally wrong that we get so caught up in "stuff" rather than living our lives and doing what makes us happy. Yes, I could go all Oprah on you and say "give it all up and live your dream!" but how realistic is that? My husband is a struggling entrepreneur and I have a kid in school. Right now I'm the breadwinner and benefits provider. I can't just give it all up to find myself. Well, I guess I can, but I'm not THAT selfish (and that's saying a lot).

So who's crazy? Well I know the people I work with are batshit crazy which in turn makes ME crazy. But am I crazy for "giving up" my life for my family? Am I crazy for settling with what I've got? I guess only time will tell.

Reviving this blog!

It looks like I need to give this blog some CPR. I was cruising along just fine until the holidays came. Then the kid had birthday and work got busy, and this blog started a slow painful death. But I'm going to try to revive it! Especially since I'm back to hating my job and the weather and life in general. It's like the midwest is jealous of DC and WANTS a snowpocalypse of it's own. According to the weather we should have had 6 inches on the ground on Friday night and another 9 inches by the end of today. Sadly, we only had 2 inches on Friday and maybe another 2 today. *sigh* If it's gonna snow I would at least like to get pounded so I can get a day off of work. Not just 2 inches that they won't plow causing a pain in the ass drive in to work and nothing more. A monkey could do a better job of predicting the weather.

So how 'bout those Saints, huh? I never thought that would happen. Thought the Colts had that Lombardi trophy in their hands before they ever left Indy. Pfft. How wrong I was! I admit that it's pretty cool that they won. A team that has never even been to a Super Bowl won the big game. That's cool. What I don't get is the whole "Who Dat" thing. Because you support the Saints you now have to sound like a complete idiot? I also don't get why people go out and get trashed after their team wins. I understand that you may feel vindicated after years of supporting a losing team, but why get shitfaced? Why fire off guns on Bourbon Street? That makes no sense to me. I have a friend that called in to work yesterday because she was still drunk. An event that has no real impact on your life causes you to get so wasted that you can't even make it to work the next day? Now don't get me wrong, in my younger days I did call in to work hungover, but that was just my own stupidity, not because a professional sports team just won a major event.

And then there are the "missionaries" in Haiti that kidnapped children after the earthquake. They SWEAR they were told their papers were in order. Really? I know the government is in shambles but you can't just assume that taking kids to "give them a better life" is ok. I really hate they fall back on the whole idea that they are good Christian people and were only trying to do what is best for the kids. Uh, no, you're not. If you were, you wouldn't be taking kids away from their families. Especially during such a traumatic time. Yes, people are poor in Haiti but they were poor before any of this happened. They didn't have clean water for YEARS and now we are flying it in by the plane load because there was an earthquake. We are throwing money at a country that doesn't even know what it's like to have 2 nickels to rub together. Get a grip people! Use your heads and your hands and do something that can actually benefit these people. Like building them houses and clearing away rubble. Providing first aid to the injured and help bury the dead. No one wants to be saved by Jesus right now. They want food in their stomachs and a roof over their heads. Not to have their children taken away from them.

So how's that for a welcome back bitchfest?

Oprah and the Duggars

Ok, I know this seems like an unlikely pairing but they have both annoyed me recently so I thought I would lump them together in one post.

Last night I was flipping around since my DVR was empty and the Grammy's were boring me to death, and I came across a special episode of the reality show about the Duggars. I, like the sick person I am, got sucked in. I watched as a tearful family recounted Michelle's struggles with her pregnancy. First they thought it was a gallstone, but the wonderful doctors in Arkansas managed to solve the problem without surgery. Then Michelle's blood pressure skyrocketed so the docs decided they had to deliver the baby. Michelle went on about how she knew she was putting the baby's life in danger as well as hers. Jim Bob choked back tears as he talked to the film crew. It was right around this time that I fell asleep. But I didn't end my viewing without being pissed off.

First of all, who needs 19 fucking kids? As it is, the woman is lucky enough that she birthed that many children without one of them having an issue. I cannot believe her uterus isn't dragging along the ground between her legs. Seriously. Yes, I know they are self sufficient and don't rely on government handouts, but they also have a reality television show that allows them to afford to live in a ginormous house and spend over $1K on groceries every month. Yes, they "buy used and save the difference" but there is only so far that can take you when your covering the costs of a family of 21. I'm sorry but managing rental property isn't going to feed your 19 kids. Nor is it going to buy you all those apple computers you use. Or the 5 cars that sit in your driveway. Or the gas it takes to drive all around in that RV or the family bus.

I get that they believe this is God's plan for them. But I highly doubt God expected or wanted these two to fuck like rabbits. I thought sex (in Christian eyes) was for procreation and not enjoyment? Seems to me like Jim Bob and Michelle are having a little too much fun in the bedroom. Why can't Jim Bob just keep it in his pants? What is he trying to prove? That he's more manly than his retarded name?

And now for Oprah.

If I have to see one more commercial about her "NoPhoneZone" plan I'm going to scream. I get that using the phone while driving is dangerous. Yes, I've done it and nearly had an accident. Yes, I freak out when my husband is driving and sending emails at the same time. Logically, I know it's not the safest option, but to hear from someone who doesn't even drive her own fucking car, and just recently got herself a Blackberry, is a little annoying to say the least. Why don't you get on your little private plane with your personal chef and personal trainer and personal assistant and jet off to your vacation home in Hawaii and leave the rest of us to text and drive in peace. [side note: a recent study shows that laws forbidding texting or using a handheld device while driving has NOT reduced traffic accidents]

Then last week she had her EXCLUSIVE interview with Jay Leno. First of all, I think Jay made himself look even worse during that interview. He should include better PR people in his new deal with NBC. Secondly, Oprah needs to stick her suburban mom topics. She is not a hard hitting reporter. If asking Jay the same fucking questions over and over for an hour constitutes earning millions of dollars a year, then I want to know how I get that job. In fact, my 5 year old does that job. For free! Oprah did the same thing when she interviewed the Obamas back in December. Softball questions over and over and wouldn't even let the people finish a sentence before she cut them off. Yes, we get that you're the alpha dog, Oprah, but at least let people finish a thought!

I always have a chuckle when she talks about finding out who she is after the show ends. Well, I think we all know who she is. A rich woman with assistants and drivers, and chefs and servants. A woman that can't relate to the every day person except that she struggles with her weight and then blames it on a thyroid condition.

Stop the ride...I want to get off!!

At various points in our lives we all have that feeling of wanting the world to stop so we can have a minute to catch our breath and get back on our feet. Unfortunately, that never happens.

This past weekend I was in NYC with the Top Gay. It's a trip I had been looking forward to for some time. The trip itself was a blast. Good food, good shows, good friends. Just a nice, relaxing, adult weekend. I pulled in the garage of my house at 5:30pm last night. As soon as I did, the switch was flipped and I was immediately "mommy" again. No easing back into things, no recovery period. Just bam! You're it.

When I walked in, the husband was making dinner. Everything seemed fine. As I went into the bedroom to unpack, I heard cursing and the slamming of dishes. I came out to see what the issue was and he proclaimed "I'm at my wits end! It has been a long couple of days!" I told him to chill out, sit down and tell me what the hell was wrong. In the end, it was just the dog. She was annoying all weekend. And by annoying I mean getting up early (her usual), wanting attention and needing to be fed and let out. All things that *I* do. All things that the husband takes for granted. The kid was up early too. Big deal, right? Well, it is to someone who's biggest job is to get the kid on the bus at 8:30am. (side note: yes, I know I enable him, but that's another post)

After dinner the kid was all over me wanting to play games and talk. I had a blazing headache and was exhausted (which husband noted, but didn't do anything to make the evening easier for me). I just wanted to scream "Please stop the ride! I want to get off!" I just needed a few minutes to sit down. A few minutes to just put my stuff away. A few minutes of quiet.

When I finally did get to bed, I couldn't sleep. All the stress and worry that was pushed aside for the weekend came rushing back into my head. The floodgates were opened once again. I tried meditating. I took a benedryl. I read a book and screwed around on the computer. Finally at 12:30am, I passed out.

This morning I wasn't even out of bed yet and the kid was awake and complaining that I didn't get her water before she fell asleep last night. When I was in the shower she begged to take a shower too. When I told her no she stormed off and threw a fit. Then when I got out of the shower she was standing there naked saying she wanted to get in. I finally told her to just do whatever she wanted because I didn't have the energy to deal with it. Then she needed a bandaid. Then she couldn't find any clothes (they did all the laundry this weekend - hurrah! - but failed to fold it or put it away - boo!). Then she needed help getting breakfast.

And people wonder why I want to go away for a weekend?

There have been other times in my life when I've felt the same way. Most notably when the kid was born and when my father died. The reality is like a slap in the face. The world does not stop for you, or anyone. Life goes on. It's not easy, but it does. You just have to hold on for dear life....and maybe scream your head off a little bit.

Hey, did you know.....

There was an earthquake in Haiti. So you didn't know there was an earthquake in Haiti? Well guess what? There was an earthquake in Haiti. This is your official notice that there will be no other news today.

Yes, this is a tragic event and I generally don't wish that kind of ill on people (although there are some exceptions), but why are we all so shocked and blown away by this news? In March of 2008 they were warned that the south side of the island was on a major fault zone which posed a severe hazard. Of course being a third world country, it's not like there was much they could do to prepare themselves for a major quake. Why are we shocked that a city full of shanty type houses is in ruins? Why are we shocked that there is a death?

Last night before I even knew there was an earthquake there was an EARTHQUAKE HAITI page on Facebook and I had friends that already joined the group. Then I notice all the religious freaks posting in their status updates that we need to pray and "god send your provisions and peace" whatever that means. Again, it's tragic and sad, but what exactly are all these people going to do? It's not like joining a Facebook page or praying to God is going to fix everything is going to make a difference for the people there. I guess doing such things makes the people feel good, but really, what is it doing for the people of Haiti? Why are you asking God to send provisions? Why aren't YOU sending provisions?

It just bothers me when people are all talk and no action. If you care so much, then DO something. Organize a gathering of clothes, food and first aid supplies at your local church or school. Start a fundraiser. Call your local Red Cross and see what you can do and then DO IT. In the meantime, stop clogging up my Facebook News Feed and Twitter account with your blathering. Save that for your blogs.

My Own Private Airline

So another airliner had to be escorted by fighter jets to an emergency landing. Why you ask? Because there was a drunk passenger on board. Great. So now every time someone gets tanked on a flight, we are going to have to have fighter jets escort the plane. And what exactly are fighter jets going to do? It's not like someone can climb out of the jet and into the airliner. If someone takes over the cockpit it's not like they can prevent them from crashing the plane. Yes, they can shoot down the plane but isn't that worse? Wouldn't that be exactly what a terrorist wanted? "Hey look! Americans shot down their own plane! ha ha ha!" How about just not serving booze on the flight? Or limiting the amount of booze available. This flight departed at 9:48 am. The flight landed by 1pm and the guy was smashed well before then. What happened to not serving passengers that are clearly intoxicated? Or better yet, where were the damn air marshals?

Last week a Hawaiian Airlines jet was escorted back to Oregon due to a threatening passenger. This wack job gave the flight attendant a note that talked about how he thought he was going to die and referencing Gilligan's Island. Really? Now talking about Gilligan's Island is cause for panic? Quite frankly, if I'm a flight to Hawaii and some idiot goes cuckoo for Coca Puffs, I'm going to beat his ass down and throw him out mid-flight without a parachute. I'm sorry but enough is enough. Let's have some common sense here people!

How about we impose REAL restrictions on air travelers. If you can meet all of the requirements below, you will get a special card and will be allowed to fly. If you cannot meet the requirements, you either stay home or fly Southwest.

1. You must pass an IQ test before you're allowed to purchase a ticket.
2. You must pass a common sense test before you are allowed to purchase a ticket.
3. You must have a signed, sworn statement that you will dress appropriately for each and every flight. This includes no pajamas, no bathing suits, no flip flops, no ripped or torn clothing, breasts will be covered, and shorts/skirts will be of a certain length.
4. You must be in control of your children at all times. No child will be allowed to run up and down the aisles or kick the seat in front of them. They must speak in a quiet voice and not whine. You must bring appropriate snacks and entertainment for your child.
5. You must maintain a set level of personal hygiene before you fly. This means a shower before the flight and use of deodorant. No excessive perfume or cologne is allowed.
6. You must not harass your fellow seatmates with endless banter.
7. You are not allowed to bring wheelie luggage on board the flight. All luggage must be checked except for one carry on item such as a laptop, purse, or diaper bag.
8. You are not allowed to bring loud or smelly food on board the aircraft. You must eat in the gate area or at a restaurant before boarding.
9. You are not allowed to excessively recline your seat. This means pushing the seat back to it's most reclined position (2 inches) as soon as the wheels lift off the ground and leaving it as such until the attendant tells you to put your seat upright for landing.
   

Ever notice that all of these rules seem to already apply to First Class? These people know the rules and expect the passengers in their cabin to know them as well. Now if you could ensure that every flight you took was the equivalent of flying in first wouldn't you want that? The attendants would be less stressed and more friendly (just like first!). You would have more room (just like first!) due to the idiots being weeded out. You could fly in peace and comfort (just like first!). Perhaps I should start my own airline and impose these rules. I could become the millionaire I've always dreamed of being. And then I could buy my own private jet so I didn't have to deal with ANYONE while traveling!

Breaking up is hard to do....

I broke up with my therapist. Yes, I have a therapist. Well, use to have a therapist. All the cool kids have one. Anyway, after nearly five years with this woman (FIVE YEARS!!) I finally decided I was done shitting gold coins to pay her and that I deserved a vacation more than I needed therapy. Ok, maybe that's not ALL true, but for the most part it is.

After the kid was born, I sank into a pretty deep depression. I felt like the world was on my shoulders and not a soul was there to help me. After 9 months of feeling like crap and crying at the drop of a hat, I finally called my OB and asked for recommendations for therapists. The person he told me to call was really just a headhunter so to speak. I met with her and she evaluated me and recommended someone in her office for me to see. The woman she thought would be perfect for me was a ginormous German woman in a hideously plaid suit (think 70's sofa fabric) and a Kate Gosselin-esque hairdo. Now I know you can't judge a book by it's cover, but I just couldn't get past her appearance. $200 later I went home and told my husband it wasn't going to work. He chided me for basing my decision on her looks, but I just KNEW she wasn't right for me. So I pulled out the list of alternative names, looked at it and then put it away for awhile.

3 months later I still felt shitty enough that I called one of the people from the list. The deciding factor was how close her office was to the house and work. That's it. And apparently that was enough to keep me with her for nearly five years.

10 months into this gig we moved to our current home in the midwest (you may remember we use to live in DC). At first the therapist suggested we do a few phone consults and she would try to help me find someone local. Ok, great! Only she never really put in the effort and I was just as lazy. So for the past 4+ years, I've been doing phone therapy. It's worked out pretty well and I will say she's helped me though a lot of stuff. But ever since the summer I was starting to feel like "Why am I paying her?" I knew what i needed to do to fix things and it found myself searching for things to talk about with her. I felt like she was trying to make issues out of things I mentioned when there were really no issues to be had. For some reason I kept holding on. 5 years with someone is hard to just throw away.

In October of this year I was notified by my insurance that I had reached my coverage limit for therapy. This limit was reached in AUGUST so everything from September on was out of my pocket. Ouch. Especially since all this time I'd been paying DC rates. So after shelling out thousands of dollars (literally) to pay for my sessions, I decided I was done. Now this isn't something we had discussed in our sessions. There was never a set endpoint or a phase out period. So earlier this week I called and left her a message that I wanted to take a break and felt like I could go at it alone for awhile. I fully expected her to call me back and at least acknowledge the message. What did I get? Nothing. Not a peep. Now part of me is glad since I hate confrontation and dealing directly with any sort of sticky situation (see why I had a therapist??). But I honestly thought that after 5 years, she would have SOMETHING to say. But I guess not. I also guess it's a sign that maybe she wasn't really that interested in me. I was a cash cow for her for 5 years and now I'm done and she feels like it's just as well. On some level I feel the same, but I think I also feel like I'M the one that got dumped.

Now I'm off to stuff myself full of ice cream and oreos and watch sad, sappy love stories on tv.

Nah, I'm actually off to see what kind of amazing vacation I can take now that I've got a shitload of cash burning a hole in my pocket.

Global Warming is a Hoax

Oh hey look! We're going to get another arctic cold blast! I think I'm going to start siding with the "Global Warming is a Hoax!" people. Not that I ever really had an opinion on the matter before, but the last 2 winters have given me no reason to believe that temperatures are rising ANYWHERE. How can glaciers be disappearing when the "arctic air" we are getting keeps temps in the midwest barely above zero? Or in the case of last winter, we never even GOT to temps above zero for many days. Our summers have been fairly mild. No terrible heat waves that have people keeling over and seeking air conditioned shelter. Quite frankly, I'm going to drive my SUV even MORE if it's going to make the weather more tolerable.

Florida's temps rose to a mid-day high of 48 yesterday. Those poor old folks are FREEZING down there. The Governor has even declared a state of emergency that lifts the weight limit on trucks so the farmers can their crops out. Funny thing though, where the hell are they going to send those crops? It's not like any of us are doing any better than Florida. 48 is a fricking heat wave compared to where I live. The Floridians are freaking out that they actually have to buy COATS! What is this world coming to??

The weather honchos are saying we'll have a "brief warm up" today and tomorrow. Apparently brief warm up means temps in the low to mid 20's. How pathetic is that? And we are still expected to get up to 7 inches of snow by tomorrow evening (at least where I live). I remember hearing somewhere that Iceland had a high suicide and depression rate due to the cold and dreary conditions. Of course I can't find a source to prove that and now my Google history at work is going to look suspicious, but whatever. In the end I can say I get it. Being cooped up indoors all day every day is enough to make anyone crazy. Especially if you have kids. Or a job.

The Tipping Point

I'm at the tipping point. This happens to me every few months or so. It's just a point in time when I feel like a caged animal. Like I absolutely MUST get of dodge before I go insane. When I'm at work, I just want to be home. When I'm at home, I want to be somewhere else. It's a vicious cycle. And this shitty weather isn't helping either. We've barely had sun in weeks and the temps are in the single digits. So when you do go out, you are running your ass from the car to whatever building you're going to because if you don't, you might very well freeze into a solid block of ice right then and there.

Before Christmas I was completely wrapped up in the stress and drama of the holidays. Running around non-stop buying gifts, hosting parties, smoothing feathers and trying to keep everyone happy. I even gave myself a migraine on Christmas Eve. Yes, I know, I'm so generous when it comes to giving myself gifts. Anyway, now that the holidays are over and the stress is gone, it's like that adrenaline let down. After weeks of running on nothing but caffeine, now I'm in the exhaustion stage. Focusing on work is harder than normal. The weather is making me want to call the doc and ask for prozac. The endless blather of every day life makes me want to run screaming for the nearest airport.

I've been longingly looking at old travel photographs wondering how and when I can swing a trip. The Top Gay and I have a trip to New York planned in 2 short weeks but that feels like an eternity from now. And while New York is my home and a fabulous weekend get away, it's not a VACATION per se. Yes, I know that sounds uptight and spoiled but so be it. I need to be lounging at some sidewalk cafe drinking wine watching the world go by. Preferably with an ancient monument in the background and a foreign language being shouted by passersby. Warm and sunny would be nice (hell, at this point anything above freezing would work), but I wouldn't shun a chilly locale with some charm and personality.

I recently received one of those e-saver emails from USAir. They have flights to the Bahamas for $200. I'm really trying hard to find a good reason NOT to book such a ticket. Yes, money is tight and yes, the kid has to go to school, but really, can't all that be worked around? Seriously? Cause I'm about to go insane here.

Been there, done that

Do you believe in past lives? I do. Seriously. I think in a past life I was a hoarder. Why? Because I cannot STAND clutter. Like it gives me the shakes. I was sitting here reading a book and literally had to stop and clean because I couldn't focus. It's that bad. People have told me over and over again to let it go, but I just can't.

The kid has been off school for the past 2 weeks. Every night when I come home, it's like a tornado went through the house (she's home with her father although at 5 she could probably stay home by herself and do just fine). So imagine working all day and then coming home and being sent into a bit of a panic. The only day I come home truly relaxed and happy is cleaning day. Yes, I have a cleaning lady and I swear it's the only thing keeping me sane. Every other Tuesday I walk in the door knowing that it's going to be a good night. That feeling only lasts for about a day before everything goes to shit again, but still, it's 2 days a month that I know I can come down off the ledge if only for a little while.

I also think I died some sort of tragic death due to heights. Maybe I jumped off a tall building or was pushed out a window. Maybe I died in a skydiving accident. Who knows, but what I DO know is that put me up in a tall building and I FREAK out. I get short of breath, my heart races and my legs get weak. A few years ago the Top Gay and I were on one of our annual treks to New York when we went to the top of the Empire State Building. There are large glass walls so that you can see the city but clearly not jump or fall over the edge. One step out on to the viewing balcony and I was paralyzed. I was feet from the glass wall but couldn't go any further. I watched people stick their hands through the spaces in the walls so that they could get a photo without the flash reflecting off of the glass and this sent me into a panic. I have no explanation for this. I have no childhood trauma involving heights. It's just some inborn fear I have.

I was quite possibly royalty at some point as well. I am fascinated with stories of royalty. I cannot go into a castle or old church and not be completely transported to another time. I am a total shlub in every day life but the thought of putting on a Elizabethan gown makes me want to swoon. When the Top Gay and I went to Ireland, we spent a night at Waterford Castle. When we pulled up to the front all I could think of was "I'm home!" Standing on the balcony overlooking the courtyard at the palace in Monaco made me think "I was meant to be here." Now I don't live a life of great want, but the thought sitting in front of a fireplace the size of an elephant and reading a book while I'm served tea and scones is something I'm sure was meant for me.

So please lottery gods, send me my winning ticket. I'm ready to live the life I was meant to live.