Monday, January 25, 2010

Stop the ride...I want to get off!!

At various points in our lives we all have that feeling of wanting the world to stop so we can have a minute to catch our breath and get back on our feet. Unfortunately, that never happens.

This past weekend I was in NYC with the Top Gay. It's a trip I had been looking forward to for some time. The trip itself was a blast. Good food, good shows, good friends. Just a nice, relaxing, adult weekend. I pulled in the garage of my house at 5:30pm last night. As soon as I did, the switch was flipped and I was immediately "mommy" again. No easing back into things, no recovery period. Just bam! You're it.

When I walked in, the husband was making dinner. Everything seemed fine. As I went into the bedroom to unpack, I heard cursing and the slamming of dishes. I came out to see what the issue was and he proclaimed "I'm at my wits end! It has been a long couple of days!" I told him to chill out, sit down and tell me what the hell was wrong. In the end, it was just the dog. She was annoying all weekend. And by annoying I mean getting up early (her usual), wanting attention and needing to be fed and let out. All things that *I* do. All things that the husband takes for granted. The kid was up early too. Big deal, right? Well, it is to someone who's biggest job is to get the kid on the bus at 8:30am. (side note: yes, I know I enable him, but that's another post)

After dinner the kid was all over me wanting to play games and talk. I had a blazing headache and was exhausted (which husband noted, but didn't do anything to make the evening easier for me). I just wanted to scream "Please stop the ride! I want to get off!" I just needed a few minutes to sit down. A few minutes to just put my stuff away. A few minutes of quiet.

When I finally did get to bed, I couldn't sleep. All the stress and worry that was pushed aside for the weekend came rushing back into my head. The floodgates were opened once again. I tried meditating. I took a benedryl. I read a book and screwed around on the computer. Finally at 12:30am, I passed out.

This morning I wasn't even out of bed yet and the kid was awake and complaining that I didn't get her water before she fell asleep last night. When I was in the shower she begged to take a shower too. When I told her no she stormed off and threw a fit. Then when I got out of the shower she was standing there naked saying she wanted to get in. I finally told her to just do whatever she wanted because I didn't have the energy to deal with it. Then she needed a bandaid. Then she couldn't find any clothes (they did all the laundry this weekend - hurrah! - but failed to fold it or put it away - boo!). Then she needed help getting breakfast.

And people wonder why I want to go away for a weekend?

There have been other times in my life when I've felt the same way. Most notably when the kid was born and when my father died. The reality is like a slap in the face. The world does not stop for you, or anyone. Life goes on. It's not easy, but it does. You just have to hold on for dear life....and maybe scream your head off a little bit.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Hey, did you know.....

There was an earthquake in Haiti. So you didn't know there was an earthquake in Haiti? Well guess what? There was an earthquake in Haiti. This is your official notice that there will be no other news today.

Yes, this is a tragic event and I generally don't wish that kind of ill on people (although there are some exceptions), but why are we all so shocked and blown away by this news? In March of 2008 they were warned that the south side of the island was on a major fault zone which posed a severe hazard. Of course being a third world country, it's not like there was much they could do to prepare themselves for a major quake. Why are we shocked that a city full of shanty type houses is in ruins? Why are we shocked that there is a death?

Last night before I even knew there was an earthquake there was an EARTHQUAKE HAITI page on Facebook and I had friends that already joined the group. Then I notice all the religious freaks posting in their status updates that we need to pray and "god send your provisions and peace" whatever that means. Again, it's tragic and sad, but what exactly are all these people going to do? It's not like joining a Facebook page or praying to God is going to fix everything is going to make a difference for the people there. I guess doing such things makes the people feel good, but really, what is it doing for the people of Haiti? Why are you asking God to send provisions? Why aren't YOU sending provisions?

It just bothers me when people are all talk and no action. If you care so much, then DO something. Organize a gathering of clothes, food and first aid supplies at your local church or school. Start a fundraiser. Call your local Red Cross and see what you can do and then DO IT. In the meantime, stop clogging up my Facebook News Feed and Twitter account with your blathering. Save that for your blogs.

Monday, January 11, 2010

My Own Private Airline

So another airliner had to be escorted by fighter jets to an emergency landing. Why you ask? Because there was a drunk passenger on board. Great. So now every time someone gets tanked on a flight, we are going to have to have fighter jets escort the plane. And what exactly are fighter jets going to do? It's not like someone can climb out of the jet and into the airliner. If someone takes over the cockpit it's not like they can prevent them from crashing the plane. Yes, they can shoot down the plane but isn't that worse? Wouldn't that be exactly what a terrorist wanted? "Hey look! Americans shot down their own plane! ha ha ha!" How about just not serving booze on the flight? Or limiting the amount of booze available. This flight departed at 9:48 am. The flight landed by 1pm and the guy was smashed well before then. What happened to not serving passengers that are clearly intoxicated? Or better yet, where were the damn air marshals?

Last week a Hawaiian Airlines jet was escorted back to Oregon due to a threatening passenger. This wack job gave the flight attendant a note that talked about how he thought he was going to die and referencing Gilligan's Island. Really? Now talking about Gilligan's Island is cause for panic? Quite frankly, if I'm a flight to Hawaii and some idiot goes cuckoo for Coca Puffs, I'm going to beat his ass down and throw him out mid-flight without a parachute. I'm sorry but enough is enough. Let's have some common sense here people!

How about we impose REAL restrictions on air travelers. If you can meet all of the requirements below, you will get a special card and will be allowed to fly. If you cannot meet the requirements, you either stay home or fly Southwest.

  1. You must pass an IQ test before you're allowed to purchase a ticket.
  2. You must pass a common sense test before you are allowed to purchase a ticket.
  3. You must have a signed, sworn statement that you will dress appropriately for each and every flight. This includes no pajamas, no bathing suits, no flip flops, no ripped or torn clothing, breasts will be covered, and shorts/skirts will be of a certain length.
  4. You must be in control of your children at all times. No child will be allowed to run up and down the aisles or kick the seat in front of them. They must speak in a quiet voice and not whine. You must bring appropriate snacks and entertainment for your child.
  5. You must maintain a set level of personal hygiene before you fly. This means a shower before the flight and use of deodorant. No excessive perfume or cologne is allowed.
  6. You must not harass your fellow seatmates with endless banter.
  7. You are not allowed to bring wheelie luggage on board the flight. All luggage must be checked except for one carry on item such as a laptop, purse, or diaper bag.
  8. You are not allowed to bring loud or smelly food on board the aircraft. You must eat in the gate area or at a restaurant before boarding.
  9. You are not allowed to excessively recline your seat. This means pushing the seat back to it's most reclined position (2 inches) as soon as the wheels lift off the ground and leaving it as such until the attendant tells you to put your seat upright for landing.

Ever notice that all of these rules seem to already apply to First Class? These people know the rules and expect the passengers in their cabin to know them as well. Now if you could ensure that every flight you took was the equivalent of flying in first wouldn't you want that? The attendants would be less stressed and more friendly (just like first!). You would have more room (just like first!) due to the idiots being weeded out. You could fly in peace and comfort (just like first!). Perhaps I should start my own airline and impose these rules. I could become the millionaire I've always dreamed of being. And then I could buy my own private jet so I didn't have to deal with ANYONE while traveling!

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Breaking up is hard to do....

I broke up with my therapist. Yes, I have a therapist. Well, use to have a therapist. All the cool kids have one. Anyway, after nearly five years with this woman (FIVE YEARS!!) I finally decided I was done shitting gold coins to pay her and that I deserved a vacation more than I needed therapy. Ok, maybe that's not ALL true, but for the most part it is.

After the kid was born, I sank into a pretty deep depression. I felt like the world was on my shoulders and not a soul was there to help me. After 9 months of feeling like crap and crying at the drop of a hat, I finally called my OB and asked for recommendations for therapists. The person he told me to call was really just a headhunter so to speak. I met with her and she evaluated me and recommended someone in her office for me to see. The woman she thought would be perfect for me was a ginormous German woman in a hideously plaid suit (think 70's sofa fabric) and a Kate Gosselin-esque hairdo. Now I know you can't judge a book by it's cover, but I just couldn't get past her appearance. $200 later I went home and told my husband it wasn't going to work. He chided me for basing my decision on her looks, but I just KNEW she wasn't right for me. So I pulled out the list of alternative names, looked at it and then put it away for awhile.

3 months later I still felt shitty enough that I called one of the people from the list. The deciding factor was how close her office was to the house and work. That's it. And apparently that was enough to keep me with her for nearly five years.

10 months into this gig we moved to our current home in the midwest (you may remember we use to live in DC). At first the therapist suggested we do a few phone consults and she would try to help me find someone local. Ok, great! Only she never really put in the effort and I was just as lazy. So for the past 4+ years, I've been doing phone therapy. It's worked out pretty well and I will say she's helped me though a lot of stuff. But ever since the summer I was starting to feel like "Why am I paying her?" I knew what i needed to do to fix things and it found myself searching for things to talk about with her. I felt like she was trying to make issues out of things I mentioned when there were really no issues to be had. For some reason I kept holding on. 5 years with someone is hard to just throw away.

In October of this year I was notified by my insurance that I had reached my coverage limit for therapy. This limit was reached in AUGUST so everything from September on was out of my pocket. Ouch. Especially since all this time I'd been paying DC rates. So after shelling out thousands of dollars (literally) to pay for my sessions, I decided I was done. Now this isn't something we had discussed in our sessions. There was never a set endpoint or a phase out period. So earlier this week I called and left her a message that I wanted to take a break and felt like I could go at it alone for awhile. I fully expected her to call me back and at least acknowledge the message. What did I get? Nothing. Not a peep. Now part of me is glad since I hate confrontation and dealing directly with any sort of sticky situation (see why I had a therapist??). But I honestly thought that after 5 years, she would have SOMETHING to say. But I guess not. I also guess it's a sign that maybe she wasn't really that interested in me. I was a cash cow for her for 5 years and now I'm done and she feels like it's just as well. On some level I feel the same, but I think I also feel like I'M the one that got dumped.

Now I'm off to stuff myself full of ice cream and oreos and watch sad, sappy love stories on tv.

Nah, I'm actually off to see what kind of amazing vacation I can take now that I've got a shitload of cash burning a hole in my pocket.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Global Warming is a Hoax

Oh hey look! We're going to get another arctic cold blast! I think I'm going to start siding with the "Global Warming is a Hoax!" people. Not that I ever really had an opinion on the matter before, but the last 2 winters have given me no reason to believe that temperatures are rising ANYWHERE. How can glaciers be disappearing when the "arctic air" we are getting keeps temps in the midwest barely above zero? Or in the case of last winter, we never even GOT to temps above zero for many days. Our summers have been fairly mild. No terrible heat waves that have people keeling over and seeking air conditioned shelter. Quite frankly, I'm going to drive my SUV even MORE if it's going to make the weather more tolerable.

Florida's temps rose to a mid-day high of 48 yesterday. Those poor old folks are FREEZING down there. The Governor has even declared a state of emergency that lifts the weight limit on trucks so the farmers can their crops out. Funny thing though, where the hell are they going to send those crops? It's not like any of us are doing any better than Florida. 48 is a fricking heat wave compared to where I live. The Floridians are freaking out that they actually have to buy COATS! What is this world coming to??

The weather honchos are saying we'll have a "brief warm up" today and tomorrow. Apparently brief warm up means temps in the low to mid 20's. How pathetic is that? And we are still expected to get up to 7 inches of snow by tomorrow evening (at least where I live). I remember hearing somewhere that Iceland had a high suicide and depression rate due to the cold and dreary conditions. Of course I can't find a source to prove that and now my Google history at work is going to look suspicious, but whatever. In the end I can say I get it. Being cooped up indoors all day every day is enough to make anyone crazy. Especially if you have kids. Or a job.

Monday, January 4, 2010

The Tipping Point

I'm at the tipping point. This happens to me every few months or so. It's just a point in time when I feel like a caged animal. Like I absolutely MUST get of dodge before I go insane. When I'm at work, I just want to be home. When I'm at home, I want to be somewhere else. It's a vicious cycle. And this shitty weather isn't helping either. We've barely had sun in weeks and the temps are in the single digits. So when you do go out, you are running your ass from the car to whatever building you're going to because if you don't, you might very well freeze into a solid block of ice right then and there.

Before Christmas I was completely wrapped up in the stress and drama of the holidays. Running around non-stop buying gifts, hosting parties, smoothing feathers and trying to keep everyone happy. I even gave myself a migraine on Christmas Eve. Yes, I know, I'm so generous when it comes to giving myself gifts. Anyway, now that the holidays are over and the stress is gone, it's like that adrenaline let down. After weeks of running on nothing but caffeine, now I'm in the exhaustion stage. Focusing on work is harder than normal. The weather is making me want to call the doc and ask for prozac. The endless blather of every day life makes me want to run screaming for the nearest airport.

I've been longingly looking at old travel photographs wondering how and when I can swing a trip. The Top Gay and I have a trip to New York planned in 2 short weeks but that feels like an eternity from now. And while New York is my home and a fabulous weekend get away, it's not a VACATION per se. Yes, I know that sounds uptight and spoiled but so be it. I need to be lounging at some sidewalk cafe drinking wine watching the world go by. Preferably with an ancient monument in the background and a foreign language being shouted by passersby. Warm and sunny would be nice (hell, at this point anything above freezing would work), but I wouldn't shun a chilly locale with some charm and personality.

I recently received one of those e-saver emails from USAir. They have flights to the Bahamas for $200. I'm really trying hard to find a good reason NOT to book such a ticket. Yes, money is tight and yes, the kid has to go to school, but really, can't all that be worked around? Seriously? Cause I'm about to go insane here.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Been there, done that

Do you believe in past lives? I do. Seriously. I think in a past life I was a hoarder. Why? Because I cannot STAND clutter. Like it gives me the shakes. I was sitting here reading a book and literally had to stop and clean because I couldn't focus. It's that bad. People have told me over and over again to let it go, but I just can't.

The kid has been off school for the past 2 weeks. Every night when I come home, it's like a tornado went through the house (she's home with her father although at 5 she could probably stay home by herself and do just fine). So imagine working all day and then coming home and being sent into a bit of a panic. The only day I come home truly relaxed and happy is cleaning day. Yes, I have a cleaning lady and I swear it's the only thing keeping me sane. Every other Tuesday I walk in the door knowing that it's going to be a good night. That feeling only lasts for about a day before everything goes to shit again, but still, it's 2 days a month that I know I can come down off the ledge if only for a little while.

I also think I died some sort of tragic death due to heights. Maybe I jumped off a tall building or was pushed out a window. Maybe I died in a skydiving accident. Who knows, but what I DO know is that put me up in a tall building and I FREAK out. I get short of breath, my heart races and my legs get weak. A few years ago the Top Gay and I were on one of our annual treks to New York when we went to the top of the Empire State Building. There are large glass walls so that you can see the city but clearly not jump or fall over the edge. One step out on to the viewing balcony and I was paralyzed. I was feet from the glass wall but couldn't go any further. I watched people stick their hands through the spaces in the walls so that they could get a photo without the flash reflecting off of the glass and this sent me into a panic. I have no explanation for this. I have no childhood trauma involving heights. It's just some inborn fear I have.

I was quite possibly royalty at some point as well. I am fascinated with stories of royalty. I cannot go into a castle or old church and not be completely transported to another time. I am a total shlub in every day life but the thought of putting on a Elizabethan gown makes me want to swoon. When the Top Gay and I went to Ireland, we spent a night at Waterford Castle. When we pulled up to the front all I could think of was "I'm home!" Standing on the balcony overlooking the courtyard at the palace in Monaco made me think "I was meant to be here." Now I don't live a life of great want, but the thought sitting in front of a fireplace the size of an elephant and reading a book while I'm served tea and scones is something I'm sure was meant for me.

So please lottery gods, send me my winning ticket. I'm ready to live the life I was meant to live.