What do you want to be when you grow up?

So what DID you want to be when you grew up?  Were your dreams spot on or did you veer off the path a bit?

I never had a clear vision of what I wanted to be when I grew up.  I just wanted to grow up.  That's it.  I wanted to be able to do whatever I wanted to do.  My mom desperately wanted one of us to become a nurse like her (I couldn't stand the sight of oozing wounds or traumatic injuries so I knew it wouldn't be me).  It ended up that none of us became nurses.  My sister became a psychologist and I work in a medical office so I guess we're close, but not the big winners.

I can clearly remember being in 5th grade and doing a project on what we wanted to be when we grew up.  Most kids picked the standard answers:  doctor, lawyer, vet, teacher, maybe a ballerina or astronaut thrown in for good measure.  I remember looking around the room and thinking that I didn't want to be ANY of those things.  That there was nothing inside of me saying "I want to be [insert job here] when I grow up!"  So what did I do?  I took what I thought was a "cool" sounding job and chose that. 

Yep, I declared to all of the 5th grade at Round Hill Elementary that I wanted to be an Air Traffic Controller.  I drew my required picture of the tower at the airport and a little me inside the window.  At this point I knew I loved to travel and I knew that air traffic controllers worked at the airport so really, what could be better?

I think about it all today and just laugh.  If only I had known what that job actually was and how stressful it can be.  I'm not totally convinced that it would have changed my mind because what 10/11 year old really understands stress, long hours, and talking down a plane in an emergency situation?  That probably only would have made me think the job was SO AWESOME!

When I got to college and had to declare a major I STILL didn't know what I wanted to do with myself.  At first I said "pre-med" because it sounded smart and cool, but I really had no interest in it.  I thought that's just what I was suppose to say.  One semester of chemistry and that idea was out the window.  I floated around taking required courses for awhile when my mother started hounding me again about a major and what I wanted to do with my life.  One day at breakfast a friend told me she was majoring in International Relations.  Again, I thought it sounded cool so I went for it.  This, of course, freaked out my mother because it wasn't a degree that led to one specific job.  I wasn't going to graduate and be a doctor, a nurse, a lawyer, a teacher, or anything.  I was just going to be a college grad with a worthless degree.  But eh, my mother has never been one to deter me so I blew her off and went forward with my grand plan (read: just graduating).

In the end it all worked out for me as I got a job in DC doing.....International Relations!  I worked on Capitol Hill for a few years and then transitioned to lobbying.  Now I'm not doing anything remotely related to any of that which has brought me full circle back to "what do I want to be when I grow up?"  I know it's not what I'm doing now.  I know I still want to do whatever I want to do and I do still love to travel.  So, anyone have any ideas for me?  I'm not sure I'm ready to grow up, but I'm ready to start thinking about it.

Kids

So I had a pregnancy scare recently.  As I said to the Top Gay "When sex ends with the words 'uh oh' that's never a good thing."  Of course the husband went blissfully about his life while I nervously bit my fingernails to the nub.  Thankfully, the old bat showed up, caused me crippling pain, and made me curse the fate of being a woman.  So all is right with the world again.

But the scare made me think a lot (as opposed to normally when I don't think at all.  Who's got the time for that anyway?).  I would REALLY like for the kid to have a sibling.  I'm very close to mine and we've been through a lot together.  As I get older and slightly crazier, I'd like for the kid to have someone to call and say "Is she for real?" and know that they completely understand what she is talking about.  The flip side of that is that right now, I just cannot afford another child.  Well, I probably could if I REALLY, REALLY wanted one, but I don't think I do so I'd rather save my pennies for another cruise. 

But anyway....

I'm just not a good mother to infants.  When the kid was born, I didn't instantly bond with her.  I went through a phase of "What the hell do I do with this thing?  Can't someone make her stop crying?"  I also went through a deep depression which was no fun at all.  Well, except for the extreme weight loss which was nice, but otherwise feeling like crap all the time just generally sucked.  I also don't like dealing with someone who is totally dependent on me.  I don't enjoy wiping asses or hand feeding.  I'm not down with being puked on and having to have someone attached to me 24/7.  Yes, I'm selfish but this isn't news, people.  Isn't there a way that the universe can just deliver me a child of my own making that is instantly 5 years old?  One that automatically knows the rules and how to take care of him/herself?  One who knows we are his/her parents and that the other kid is his/her sibling?  As if they've been there all along but we didn't have to deal with all the stuff that comes along with pregnancy, birth and infancy?  Cause that would be cool.

And speaking of 5 year olds...the neighbor kid showed up yesterday looking to play with my kid.  Neighbor kid just opened the door to the house (via the garage) and let himself in.  I got up off the couch and went to the door thinking the wind just blew it open.  Nope, there was a kid there asking for my kid.  So I told him that in the future, he needs to go to the FRONT DOOR and RING THE BELL if he wants/needs my kid.  You don't just let yourself in.  I mean, his parents seem like decent people, but WTF?  How does a kid not know to knock or ring the bell before entering a stranger's house?  Ok, we aren't TOTAL strangers, but still...knock.  Or I'm gonna knock your head off, kid.

Work. Sucks.

Well, not in a "I hate my job" kind of way.  More in a "I'm busier than a Jehovah's Witness at Doors Unlimited" sort of way.  We are going through a transition to a new management company and EVERYTHING that I work on has to be redone in order to make the move.  EVERYTHING.  And that's a lot of shit.  Then I have a bunch of new stuff coming down the pipe.  The new stuff comes in spurts and it's just a wave that has chosen to hit now.  Which sucks.  But I'm doing the best I can to get through it all.  When I'm frustrated, I remind myself that vacation is only 9 days away.

So in the middle of all this crap, I have one company (a new project) that is literally calling me 15 times a day.  Almost every hour they call, and then hang up on my voicemail.  This drives me absolutely fucking insane.  If you need to speak to me, leave a message.  If you don't, then send an email.  Every single time you call and hang up, that resets the clock on when I will call you back.  It may be childish, but it's what I do.  You piss me off when you do that and when I'm pissed, I retaliate.  So yeah, keep on doing that honey.  You'll be lucky to hear from me before vacation.

These are the same people that had the audacity to email me yesterday and demanded to know why the contract wasn't signed yet.  "What's the hold up?"  Um, the hold up is that the Chairman of the Board hasn't signed it yet.  I'm not going to call him and ask him why either.  When he gets to it, he gets to it.  End of story.  I don't care what sort of rush you are in.  WE are not in a rush.  WE can't do anything with your stuff for another week anyway.  So back off!

The good news in all of this is that it appears that this group uses a lot of paper.  We do not.  Everything we do in house is done electronically.  Yes, there is always some paper floating around, but generally, everything is done via the computer.  So what's the good news?  The good news is that the boss man is going to back out of the project if the rep today says there is no way we can do electronic.  I have no clue what the ramifications of this statement would be, but it gives me a sick little sense of joy knowing that I might be able to stick it to the bitch that won't stop calling me.

Clean house

So a new cleaning crew was coming today to take care of my house.  Remember how my old cleaning lady had to go out for back surgery and I was pissed off that I would have to clean the house myself?  Well, the dearest husband o' mine called up the folks that clean his old frat house on campus and asked them if they did private homes as well.  They said they did and came over to have a look-see.  They told him they would just accept whatever we paid our previous person so of course Frugal Fanny told them the price was about half of what we normally pay.  I'm not complaining though.  I do have a cruise to finance (yes, the Top Gay and I booked it and we leave at the end of the month!).  Anyway, today was their first day.

Now in general, I AM one of those people that cleans before the cleaning people come.  No, I don't pre-scrub the toilets or anything but I do pick up the dirty underwear that is scattered around the house and try to put the dirty dishes into the dishwasher rather than leave them in the sink.  I also try to pick up the shit ton of toys and games that my kid leaves laying around.  Just a general pick up and de-clutter if you will.  This morning I felt ultra frazzled since I haven't had time to prepare for the new crew.  Work has been busy and I seem to be off in 80 different directions lately so I just haven't prepared.  The old cleaning person wasn't as big of a deal.  She knew us and our dirty laundry so I got to a point where I didn't feel as hard pressed to clean before her arrival.  I still did it, but I wasn't fanatical about it.  Today I left the house in a near panic ordering my kid to pick up her crap because the cleaning people were coming.  I do wonder how much cleaning crews are like hairdressers.  I know our "old" lady did share gossip and stories with another person she cleaned for.  I use to work with this person (which is how I found her in the first place) and would always hear about what B told her about me when she was cleaning.  The last thing I want is a bunch of people around town knowing about the shit inside my house (literally and figuratively of course).

So I'll depart work here shortly and head home to see how things are.  I hope it's good because we sure did need a cleaning (and lord knows I'm too lazy to do it myself). 

Journeys

I'm getting pretty sick and tired of listening to people tell me how I should be happy because other people have it worse than I do.  While I acknowledge that there are people that DO have it worse than me, it doesn't mean that my problems are any less real or any less difficult for me to deal with.  Yes, there are people who are starving while I have food on my table every night.  Yes, there are people with children dying of cancer while I have a child whose biggest issue right now is an infection in her finger.  Yes, there are people who are homeless while I have a (big) roof over my head.  I get all of that.  But I don't feel guilty or ashamed of what I DO have.  My husband and I have worked hard for what we have.  And I'm not saying that other people don't.  Everyone falls on hard times.  Lord knows we have, but it still doesn't mean that when I complain about something, it isn't important to me.  And y'know what?  REAL friends understand that.  Yes, we can laugh at how silly some of it may seem in the grand scheme of things, but true friends also talk through the issue, calm fears, and help find solutions.  Not just throw out "well, so and so has it much worse than you!"

Everyone has their own journey in life.  I can be there to support those that I'm close to but even still, when something happens, there is only so much of myself that I can invest in a situation that isn't truly my own.  I really do believe that we have to go through things to learn our lessons and to move forward.  Having someone else fret over an issue that doesn't involve them really does no good.  Yes, we can feel pain, sympathy, and loss for other people, but at some point you have to draw the line.  If you asked someone if they really wanted you to stop your life for them and their issues, they would say no.  So be a good friend and listen to the problems of others.  Offer a solution or a helping hand if need be.  But for the love of god, don't tell them some sob story about how fortunate they are and they don't really understand how hard it is for other people.

I know that none of the people I'm talking about read this blog.  Although perhaps today should be the day I forward it on to them.

White Whine

There is a great website called White Whine.  The site is full of comments from white people about how hard their lives are.  Things like "I really hope my doorman doesn't go on strike this week" and "My iPad is really heavy!"  While they don't update the site as much as I would like, I do enjoy the comments.  I, myself, have had a White Whine kind of week.  Let me explain (read: whine).

Tuesday, my cleaning lady came to do our house.  While there she told my husband that she is going in for back surgery on Thursday (today!!) and will be out of commission for 6-8 weeks.  My initial thought was "Fuck!"  Not "gee, I hope she's ok" but "FUCK!  I am going to have to clean my own house?!"  Uh, yeah.  Those 4.5 baths don't clean themselves, people.

Yesterday we had a benefits meeting for a new company we are going to merge with.  Thing I'm pissy about?  My PTO time.  I will be forced to cash out my time at the time of the transition and I will have to start with ZERO hours when we are with the new group.  ZERO.  This is like a death sentence to me.  How on earth am I suppose to survive with ZERO PTO time?  My husbands response?  "Can't you just ask them to make you a manager so you don't have to worry about PTO time?"  Oh, right.  I forgot.  I can just snap my fingers and make anything happen.  I've just been too lazy to do it all this time.  I mean, snapping is really hard!  It's why I haven't snapped up the lottery numbers yet.  My fingers are tired.  But fuck....ZERO PTO time.  Ugh.

In response to the impending doom of zero PTO time, I've been looking at vacations with the Top Gay.  We found a cruise that starts in Rome, goes to Sicily, Athens, Turkey and Crete.  We can get a balcony room for $950 for the week!  The only issue is the airfare is running about $1500.  Sure, we could probably find something cheaper, but we are only willing to fly on select airlines so that we can upgrade to first class.  I mean, I'm not slummin' it in coach for 10 hours.  I need my fine dining, booze and extra large reclining seat.

So yeah, my life is HARD people.  If this cruise doesn't work out, I might have to take my kid to Disney instead. 

Mix Tape Blog Post

I found this idea online and thought I would give it a whirl.  I also need something mindless to do today since my head is full of crap that is bothering me and I'd like to think about something else for awhile.  Anyway, the idea for this entry is this:

Put your iPod on Shuffle.  ID the song that comes on and talk about what memories, thoughts or emotions it brings up.

So, here we go!

Fields of Gold  -Sting

I love Sting.  He's always been one of my all time favorite artists.  He's one you can always fall back on when you don't know what else to listen to.  And let's face it, Sting is hot.  Sometimes he's a little too crunchy for me what with his whole saving the rainforests and whatnot.  Just sing and be sexy, ok?  Cause I'm not buying your music due to your political beliefs.  I paid good money to listen to you sing and to possibly oogle you a bit.  That's all.

This song is very soothing.  Perhaps my iPod knows I need relaxing music today.

Just a Boy - Harry Connick, Jr.

I went through a phase where I was utterly obsessed with HCJ.  I dig his big band style of music.  I wanted a HCJ song at as my first dance at my wedding but the husband felt like we couldn't really dance to it.  Quite frankly, HE couldn't dance to it, but then again, he can't really dance, period.

This song is playing so quietly on my iHome that I have to jack up the sound just to hear it.  10 bucks says the next song is blaring causing the office to wonder what the hell is going on in my office.  But again, another soothing song.  I love you today iPod!

Yo Ho (A Pirate's Life for Me) - The Pirates of the Caribbean

HA!  I actually forgot that I had this on my iPod.  This is my absolute favorite ride of all time.  I will literally beg my 6 year old to let us go on this ride first when we are at Disney World.  Then I will get off and ride again as many times as the kid will let me.  Perhaps I was a pirate in my former life.  Who knows, but how can you not adore Jack Sparrow??  But even before Jack came along I loved this ride.  The bombs going off in the water around your boat, the drunk passed out in the mud with the pigs, the dog with the keys looking at the crazy prisoners that are whistling at him.  Just fabulous.

Ask the Lonely - Journey

We are getting in to quite an eclectic mix now aren't we?  Journey just makes me think of the '80s.  Having sleepovers and staying up until all hours talking about boys.  I guess I never grew out of that since this is what I do when I stay with the Top Gay. 

By the way, have you seen that guy that replaced Steve Perry as the lead singer?  It's almost creepy how much he sounds like him.  Kinda cool though that the group is re-born, so to speak.

Man in the Mirror - Michael Jackson

Ok, fine, you now know that I have MJ on my iPod.  Sue me.  Well, I know you won't because you are too busy sobbing over his death of nearly a year ago.  Crying into your glittered glove.  But MJ is a classic.  I use to have the Jackson 5 poster on my bedroom wall.  I use to laugh at Tito's ginormous 'fro.  I even had the Thriller picture disk that I refused to play on my record player for fear that it would scratch and ruin it. 

Love, Oh Love - Lionel Richie

Well, it looks like my iPod is trying to sell me out.  Showing off all my old school hits when I choose to write a blog post about it.  No current, hip songs.  Just some classic artists that really define who I am.  I see what you're up to, iTouch.  I know your game.

Anyway, Lionel Richie was the first concert I ever went to.  In Madison Square Garden no less!  My mother let my sister and I go with friends.  And basically unsupervised.  I was 13 at the time and my sister was 15.  I still cannot believe my mother allowed us to do that.  But it was the Dancin' on the Ceiling Tour and the people behind us were smoking pot.  I don't know how on earth I knew that it was pot, but I did.  I loved that show and thought I was hot shit for going.  Even wore my tour t-shirt to school the next day.  I'm a badass.

Bali Ha'i - South Pacific

Yeah, now we're bringing out the show tunes!  I went to see South Pacific last year with the Top Gay.  One of my favorite shows of all time.  It's funny because I remember watching the movie with my dad as a kid and not really liking it that much.  And I remember it being LONG.  In fact, that was the first thing I said to the Top Gay when we sat down for the show.  While the show wasn't as long as I remember it being, it was still fabulous.

Ok, last song.....

This Time - Janet Jackson

Janet is right up there with Sting for me.  I use her music for workouts, when I'm pissed, or when I'm feeling rebellious (among other things).  She is just so amazing.  I've seen her in concert twice now and they were both THE BEST shows I have ever been to.  She really sings (no lip syncing) and dances her ass off.  I've always wished I could be one of her backup dancers, but alas, I'm not cool (or talented) enough.  Janet rocks.