Who's crazy?

Who's crazy to live their whole life

Believing that somehow things aren't as bizarre as they are?

Remembering when I was 20 and brilliant and bold

Those are song lyrics from a fabulous Broadway show called Next to Normal. I recently saw the show with the Top Gay and am obsessed with the soundtrack. While there are a lot of ways that the songs from the show ring true for me, I've been thinking about how appropriate they are for the last few weeks at work.

Example:

The Martyr: "What language do they speak in Spain?"
Me: "uh, Spanish?"
The Martyr: "Oh, ok. I was sure if they spoke, like French-Spanish or something."

Really? I have seriously started looking around to see if I'm on candid camera. There has GOT to be someone waiting to jump out and tell me I've been punk'd.

But all of this wackiness has led me to think about my life a bit. I never, as a child, thought "When I grow up, I want to live in a small mid-western town and do administrative work in a medical office. THAT'S my dream job!" Actually, I can vividly remember being in 3rd grade and being asked to draw a picture of what I wanted to be when I grew up. My answer? An air traffic controller. Seriously. I thought that sounded so important and cool. And all the other kids were saying they wanted to be doctors, firemen, police officers. Even at age 8 I knew that I didn't want to do what other people were doing. When I look back I think it's pretty damn awesome that I thought that way at that age.

When I look at my life now and I think, how the hell did I end up here? I mean, I KNOW how I ended up here, but it's amazing how your dreams get pushed aside for life in general. I don't have a miserable life by any means. I have a decent, steady job (which in this economy is a plus), a nice home, a great family, food in the cabinets and clothes on my back. Right now that's a lot more than many people have and I get that. But I just think there is something fundamentally wrong that we get so caught up in "stuff" rather than living our lives and doing what makes us happy. Yes, I could go all Oprah on you and say "give it all up and live your dream!" but how realistic is that? My husband is a struggling entrepreneur and I have a kid in school. Right now I'm the breadwinner and benefits provider. I can't just give it all up to find myself. Well, I guess I can, but I'm not THAT selfish (and that's saying a lot).

So who's crazy? Well I know the people I work with are batshit crazy which in turn makes ME crazy. But am I crazy for "giving up" my life for my family? Am I crazy for settling with what I've got? I guess only time will tell.

Reviving this blog!

It looks like I need to give this blog some CPR. I was cruising along just fine until the holidays came. Then the kid had birthday and work got busy, and this blog started a slow painful death. But I'm going to try to revive it! Especially since I'm back to hating my job and the weather and life in general. It's like the midwest is jealous of DC and WANTS a snowpocalypse of it's own. According to the weather we should have had 6 inches on the ground on Friday night and another 9 inches by the end of today. Sadly, we only had 2 inches on Friday and maybe another 2 today. *sigh* If it's gonna snow I would at least like to get pounded so I can get a day off of work. Not just 2 inches that they won't plow causing a pain in the ass drive in to work and nothing more. A monkey could do a better job of predicting the weather.

So how 'bout those Saints, huh? I never thought that would happen. Thought the Colts had that Lombardi trophy in their hands before they ever left Indy. Pfft. How wrong I was! I admit that it's pretty cool that they won. A team that has never even been to a Super Bowl won the big game. That's cool. What I don't get is the whole "Who Dat" thing. Because you support the Saints you now have to sound like a complete idiot? I also don't get why people go out and get trashed after their team wins. I understand that you may feel vindicated after years of supporting a losing team, but why get shitfaced? Why fire off guns on Bourbon Street? That makes no sense to me. I have a friend that called in to work yesterday because she was still drunk. An event that has no real impact on your life causes you to get so wasted that you can't even make it to work the next day? Now don't get me wrong, in my younger days I did call in to work hungover, but that was just my own stupidity, not because a professional sports team just won a major event.

And then there are the "missionaries" in Haiti that kidnapped children after the earthquake. They SWEAR they were told their papers were in order. Really? I know the government is in shambles but you can't just assume that taking kids to "give them a better life" is ok. I really hate they fall back on the whole idea that they are good Christian people and were only trying to do what is best for the kids. Uh, no, you're not. If you were, you wouldn't be taking kids away from their families. Especially during such a traumatic time. Yes, people are poor in Haiti but they were poor before any of this happened. They didn't have clean water for YEARS and now we are flying it in by the plane load because there was an earthquake. We are throwing money at a country that doesn't even know what it's like to have 2 nickels to rub together. Get a grip people! Use your heads and your hands and do something that can actually benefit these people. Like building them houses and clearing away rubble. Providing first aid to the injured and help bury the dead. No one wants to be saved by Jesus right now. They want food in their stomachs and a roof over their heads. Not to have their children taken away from them.

So how's that for a welcome back bitchfest?

Oprah and the Duggars

Ok, I know this seems like an unlikely pairing but they have both annoyed me recently so I thought I would lump them together in one post.

Last night I was flipping around since my DVR was empty and the Grammy's were boring me to death, and I came across a special episode of the reality show about the Duggars. I, like the sick person I am, got sucked in. I watched as a tearful family recounted Michelle's struggles with her pregnancy. First they thought it was a gallstone, but the wonderful doctors in Arkansas managed to solve the problem without surgery. Then Michelle's blood pressure skyrocketed so the docs decided they had to deliver the baby. Michelle went on about how she knew she was putting the baby's life in danger as well as hers. Jim Bob choked back tears as he talked to the film crew. It was right around this time that I fell asleep. But I didn't end my viewing without being pissed off.

First of all, who needs 19 fucking kids? As it is, the woman is lucky enough that she birthed that many children without one of them having an issue. I cannot believe her uterus isn't dragging along the ground between her legs. Seriously. Yes, I know they are self sufficient and don't rely on government handouts, but they also have a reality television show that allows them to afford to live in a ginormous house and spend over $1K on groceries every month. Yes, they "buy used and save the difference" but there is only so far that can take you when your covering the costs of a family of 21. I'm sorry but managing rental property isn't going to feed your 19 kids. Nor is it going to buy you all those apple computers you use. Or the 5 cars that sit in your driveway. Or the gas it takes to drive all around in that RV or the family bus.

I get that they believe this is God's plan for them. But I highly doubt God expected or wanted these two to fuck like rabbits. I thought sex (in Christian eyes) was for procreation and not enjoyment? Seems to me like Jim Bob and Michelle are having a little too much fun in the bedroom. Why can't Jim Bob just keep it in his pants? What is he trying to prove? That he's more manly than his retarded name?

And now for Oprah.

If I have to see one more commercial about her "NoPhoneZone" plan I'm going to scream. I get that using the phone while driving is dangerous. Yes, I've done it and nearly had an accident. Yes, I freak out when my husband is driving and sending emails at the same time. Logically, I know it's not the safest option, but to hear from someone who doesn't even drive her own fucking car, and just recently got herself a Blackberry, is a little annoying to say the least. Why don't you get on your little private plane with your personal chef and personal trainer and personal assistant and jet off to your vacation home in Hawaii and leave the rest of us to text and drive in peace. [side note: a recent study shows that laws forbidding texting or using a handheld device while driving has NOT reduced traffic accidents]

Then last week she had her EXCLUSIVE interview with Jay Leno. First of all, I think Jay made himself look even worse during that interview. He should include better PR people in his new deal with NBC. Secondly, Oprah needs to stick her suburban mom topics. She is not a hard hitting reporter. If asking Jay the same fucking questions over and over for an hour constitutes earning millions of dollars a year, then I want to know how I get that job. In fact, my 5 year old does that job. For free! Oprah did the same thing when she interviewed the Obamas back in December. Softball questions over and over and wouldn't even let the people finish a sentence before she cut them off. Yes, we get that you're the alpha dog, Oprah, but at least let people finish a thought!

I always have a chuckle when she talks about finding out who she is after the show ends. Well, I think we all know who she is. A rich woman with assistants and drivers, and chefs and servants. A woman that can't relate to the every day person except that she struggles with her weight and then blames it on a thyroid condition.

Stop the ride...I want to get off!!

At various points in our lives we all have that feeling of wanting the world to stop so we can have a minute to catch our breath and get back on our feet. Unfortunately, that never happens.

This past weekend I was in NYC with the Top Gay. It's a trip I had been looking forward to for some time. The trip itself was a blast. Good food, good shows, good friends. Just a nice, relaxing, adult weekend. I pulled in the garage of my house at 5:30pm last night. As soon as I did, the switch was flipped and I was immediately "mommy" again. No easing back into things, no recovery period. Just bam! You're it.

When I walked in, the husband was making dinner. Everything seemed fine. As I went into the bedroom to unpack, I heard cursing and the slamming of dishes. I came out to see what the issue was and he proclaimed "I'm at my wits end! It has been a long couple of days!" I told him to chill out, sit down and tell me what the hell was wrong. In the end, it was just the dog. She was annoying all weekend. And by annoying I mean getting up early (her usual), wanting attention and needing to be fed and let out. All things that *I* do. All things that the husband takes for granted. The kid was up early too. Big deal, right? Well, it is to someone who's biggest job is to get the kid on the bus at 8:30am. (side note: yes, I know I enable him, but that's another post)

After dinner the kid was all over me wanting to play games and talk. I had a blazing headache and was exhausted (which husband noted, but didn't do anything to make the evening easier for me). I just wanted to scream "Please stop the ride! I want to get off!" I just needed a few minutes to sit down. A few minutes to just put my stuff away. A few minutes of quiet.

When I finally did get to bed, I couldn't sleep. All the stress and worry that was pushed aside for the weekend came rushing back into my head. The floodgates were opened once again. I tried meditating. I took a benedryl. I read a book and screwed around on the computer. Finally at 12:30am, I passed out.

This morning I wasn't even out of bed yet and the kid was awake and complaining that I didn't get her water before she fell asleep last night. When I was in the shower she begged to take a shower too. When I told her no she stormed off and threw a fit. Then when I got out of the shower she was standing there naked saying she wanted to get in. I finally told her to just do whatever she wanted because I didn't have the energy to deal with it. Then she needed a bandaid. Then she couldn't find any clothes (they did all the laundry this weekend - hurrah! - but failed to fold it or put it away - boo!). Then she needed help getting breakfast.

And people wonder why I want to go away for a weekend?

There have been other times in my life when I've felt the same way. Most notably when the kid was born and when my father died. The reality is like a slap in the face. The world does not stop for you, or anyone. Life goes on. It's not easy, but it does. You just have to hold on for dear life....and maybe scream your head off a little bit.

Hey, did you know.....

There was an earthquake in Haiti. So you didn't know there was an earthquake in Haiti? Well guess what? There was an earthquake in Haiti. This is your official notice that there will be no other news today.

Yes, this is a tragic event and I generally don't wish that kind of ill on people (although there are some exceptions), but why are we all so shocked and blown away by this news? In March of 2008 they were warned that the south side of the island was on a major fault zone which posed a severe hazard. Of course being a third world country, it's not like there was much they could do to prepare themselves for a major quake. Why are we shocked that a city full of shanty type houses is in ruins? Why are we shocked that there is a death?

Last night before I even knew there was an earthquake there was an EARTHQUAKE HAITI page on Facebook and I had friends that already joined the group. Then I notice all the religious freaks posting in their status updates that we need to pray and "god send your provisions and peace" whatever that means. Again, it's tragic and sad, but what exactly are all these people going to do? It's not like joining a Facebook page or praying to God is going to fix everything is going to make a difference for the people there. I guess doing such things makes the people feel good, but really, what is it doing for the people of Haiti? Why are you asking God to send provisions? Why aren't YOU sending provisions?

It just bothers me when people are all talk and no action. If you care so much, then DO something. Organize a gathering of clothes, food and first aid supplies at your local church or school. Start a fundraiser. Call your local Red Cross and see what you can do and then DO IT. In the meantime, stop clogging up my Facebook News Feed and Twitter account with your blathering. Save that for your blogs.

My Own Private Airline

So another airliner had to be escorted by fighter jets to an emergency landing. Why you ask? Because there was a drunk passenger on board. Great. So now every time someone gets tanked on a flight, we are going to have to have fighter jets escort the plane. And what exactly are fighter jets going to do? It's not like someone can climb out of the jet and into the airliner. If someone takes over the cockpit it's not like they can prevent them from crashing the plane. Yes, they can shoot down the plane but isn't that worse? Wouldn't that be exactly what a terrorist wanted? "Hey look! Americans shot down their own plane! ha ha ha!" How about just not serving booze on the flight? Or limiting the amount of booze available. This flight departed at 9:48 am. The flight landed by 1pm and the guy was smashed well before then. What happened to not serving passengers that are clearly intoxicated? Or better yet, where were the damn air marshals?

Last week a Hawaiian Airlines jet was escorted back to Oregon due to a threatening passenger. This wack job gave the flight attendant a note that talked about how he thought he was going to die and referencing Gilligan's Island. Really? Now talking about Gilligan's Island is cause for panic? Quite frankly, if I'm a flight to Hawaii and some idiot goes cuckoo for Coca Puffs, I'm going to beat his ass down and throw him out mid-flight without a parachute. I'm sorry but enough is enough. Let's have some common sense here people!

How about we impose REAL restrictions on air travelers. If you can meet all of the requirements below, you will get a special card and will be allowed to fly. If you cannot meet the requirements, you either stay home or fly Southwest.

1. You must pass an IQ test before you're allowed to purchase a ticket.
2. You must pass a common sense test before you are allowed to purchase a ticket.
3. You must have a signed, sworn statement that you will dress appropriately for each and every flight. This includes no pajamas, no bathing suits, no flip flops, no ripped or torn clothing, breasts will be covered, and shorts/skirts will be of a certain length.
4. You must be in control of your children at all times. No child will be allowed to run up and down the aisles or kick the seat in front of them. They must speak in a quiet voice and not whine. You must bring appropriate snacks and entertainment for your child.
5. You must maintain a set level of personal hygiene before you fly. This means a shower before the flight and use of deodorant. No excessive perfume or cologne is allowed.
6. You must not harass your fellow seatmates with endless banter.
7. You are not allowed to bring wheelie luggage on board the flight. All luggage must be checked except for one carry on item such as a laptop, purse, or diaper bag.
8. You are not allowed to bring loud or smelly food on board the aircraft. You must eat in the gate area or at a restaurant before boarding.
9. You are not allowed to excessively recline your seat. This means pushing the seat back to it's most reclined position (2 inches) as soon as the wheels lift off the ground and leaving it as such until the attendant tells you to put your seat upright for landing.
   

Ever notice that all of these rules seem to already apply to First Class? These people know the rules and expect the passengers in their cabin to know them as well. Now if you could ensure that every flight you took was the equivalent of flying in first wouldn't you want that? The attendants would be less stressed and more friendly (just like first!). You would have more room (just like first!) due to the idiots being weeded out. You could fly in peace and comfort (just like first!). Perhaps I should start my own airline and impose these rules. I could become the millionaire I've always dreamed of being. And then I could buy my own private jet so I didn't have to deal with ANYONE while traveling!

Breaking up is hard to do....

I broke up with my therapist. Yes, I have a therapist. Well, use to have a therapist. All the cool kids have one. Anyway, after nearly five years with this woman (FIVE YEARS!!) I finally decided I was done shitting gold coins to pay her and that I deserved a vacation more than I needed therapy. Ok, maybe that's not ALL true, but for the most part it is.

After the kid was born, I sank into a pretty deep depression. I felt like the world was on my shoulders and not a soul was there to help me. After 9 months of feeling like crap and crying at the drop of a hat, I finally called my OB and asked for recommendations for therapists. The person he told me to call was really just a headhunter so to speak. I met with her and she evaluated me and recommended someone in her office for me to see. The woman she thought would be perfect for me was a ginormous German woman in a hideously plaid suit (think 70's sofa fabric) and a Kate Gosselin-esque hairdo. Now I know you can't judge a book by it's cover, but I just couldn't get past her appearance. $200 later I went home and told my husband it wasn't going to work. He chided me for basing my decision on her looks, but I just KNEW she wasn't right for me. So I pulled out the list of alternative names, looked at it and then put it away for awhile.

3 months later I still felt shitty enough that I called one of the people from the list. The deciding factor was how close her office was to the house and work. That's it. And apparently that was enough to keep me with her for nearly five years.

10 months into this gig we moved to our current home in the midwest (you may remember we use to live in DC). At first the therapist suggested we do a few phone consults and she would try to help me find someone local. Ok, great! Only she never really put in the effort and I was just as lazy. So for the past 4+ years, I've been doing phone therapy. It's worked out pretty well and I will say she's helped me though a lot of stuff. But ever since the summer I was starting to feel like "Why am I paying her?" I knew what i needed to do to fix things and it found myself searching for things to talk about with her. I felt like she was trying to make issues out of things I mentioned when there were really no issues to be had. For some reason I kept holding on. 5 years with someone is hard to just throw away.

In October of this year I was notified by my insurance that I had reached my coverage limit for therapy. This limit was reached in AUGUST so everything from September on was out of my pocket. Ouch. Especially since all this time I'd been paying DC rates. So after shelling out thousands of dollars (literally) to pay for my sessions, I decided I was done. Now this isn't something we had discussed in our sessions. There was never a set endpoint or a phase out period. So earlier this week I called and left her a message that I wanted to take a break and felt like I could go at it alone for awhile. I fully expected her to call me back and at least acknowledge the message. What did I get? Nothing. Not a peep. Now part of me is glad since I hate confrontation and dealing directly with any sort of sticky situation (see why I had a therapist??). But I honestly thought that after 5 years, she would have SOMETHING to say. But I guess not. I also guess it's a sign that maybe she wasn't really that interested in me. I was a cash cow for her for 5 years and now I'm done and she feels like it's just as well. On some level I feel the same, but I think I also feel like I'M the one that got dumped.

Now I'm off to stuff myself full of ice cream and oreos and watch sad, sappy love stories on tv.

Nah, I'm actually off to see what kind of amazing vacation I can take now that I've got a shitload of cash burning a hole in my pocket.