My Own Private Airline

So another airliner had to be escorted by fighter jets to an emergency landing. Why you ask? Because there was a drunk passenger on board. Great. So now every time someone gets tanked on a flight, we are going to have to have fighter jets escort the plane. And what exactly are fighter jets going to do? It's not like someone can climb out of the jet and into the airliner. If someone takes over the cockpit it's not like they can prevent them from crashing the plane. Yes, they can shoot down the plane but isn't that worse? Wouldn't that be exactly what a terrorist wanted? "Hey look! Americans shot down their own plane! ha ha ha!" How about just not serving booze on the flight? Or limiting the amount of booze available. This flight departed at 9:48 am. The flight landed by 1pm and the guy was smashed well before then. What happened to not serving passengers that are clearly intoxicated? Or better yet, where were the damn air marshals?

Last week a Hawaiian Airlines jet was escorted back to Oregon due to a threatening passenger. This wack job gave the flight attendant a note that talked about how he thought he was going to die and referencing Gilligan's Island. Really? Now talking about Gilligan's Island is cause for panic? Quite frankly, if I'm a flight to Hawaii and some idiot goes cuckoo for Coca Puffs, I'm going to beat his ass down and throw him out mid-flight without a parachute. I'm sorry but enough is enough. Let's have some common sense here people!

How about we impose REAL restrictions on air travelers. If you can meet all of the requirements below, you will get a special card and will be allowed to fly. If you cannot meet the requirements, you either stay home or fly Southwest.

1. You must pass an IQ test before you're allowed to purchase a ticket.
2. You must pass a common sense test before you are allowed to purchase a ticket.
3. You must have a signed, sworn statement that you will dress appropriately for each and every flight. This includes no pajamas, no bathing suits, no flip flops, no ripped or torn clothing, breasts will be covered, and shorts/skirts will be of a certain length.
4. You must be in control of your children at all times. No child will be allowed to run up and down the aisles or kick the seat in front of them. They must speak in a quiet voice and not whine. You must bring appropriate snacks and entertainment for your child.
5. You must maintain a set level of personal hygiene before you fly. This means a shower before the flight and use of deodorant. No excessive perfume or cologne is allowed.
6. You must not harass your fellow seatmates with endless banter.
7. You are not allowed to bring wheelie luggage on board the flight. All luggage must be checked except for one carry on item such as a laptop, purse, or diaper bag.
8. You are not allowed to bring loud or smelly food on board the aircraft. You must eat in the gate area or at a restaurant before boarding.
9. You are not allowed to excessively recline your seat. This means pushing the seat back to it's most reclined position (2 inches) as soon as the wheels lift off the ground and leaving it as such until the attendant tells you to put your seat upright for landing.
   

Ever notice that all of these rules seem to already apply to First Class? These people know the rules and expect the passengers in their cabin to know them as well. Now if you could ensure that every flight you took was the equivalent of flying in first wouldn't you want that? The attendants would be less stressed and more friendly (just like first!). You would have more room (just like first!) due to the idiots being weeded out. You could fly in peace and comfort (just like first!). Perhaps I should start my own airline and impose these rules. I could become the millionaire I've always dreamed of being. And then I could buy my own private jet so I didn't have to deal with ANYONE while traveling!