Been there, done that

Do you believe in past lives? I do. Seriously. I think in a past life I was a hoarder. Why? Because I cannot STAND clutter. Like it gives me the shakes. I was sitting here reading a book and literally had to stop and clean because I couldn't focus. It's that bad. People have told me over and over again to let it go, but I just can't.

The kid has been off school for the past 2 weeks. Every night when I come home, it's like a tornado went through the house (she's home with her father although at 5 she could probably stay home by herself and do just fine). So imagine working all day and then coming home and being sent into a bit of a panic. The only day I come home truly relaxed and happy is cleaning day. Yes, I have a cleaning lady and I swear it's the only thing keeping me sane. Every other Tuesday I walk in the door knowing that it's going to be a good night. That feeling only lasts for about a day before everything goes to shit again, but still, it's 2 days a month that I know I can come down off the ledge if only for a little while.

I also think I died some sort of tragic death due to heights. Maybe I jumped off a tall building or was pushed out a window. Maybe I died in a skydiving accident. Who knows, but what I DO know is that put me up in a tall building and I FREAK out. I get short of breath, my heart races and my legs get weak. A few years ago the Top Gay and I were on one of our annual treks to New York when we went to the top of the Empire State Building. There are large glass walls so that you can see the city but clearly not jump or fall over the edge. One step out on to the viewing balcony and I was paralyzed. I was feet from the glass wall but couldn't go any further. I watched people stick their hands through the spaces in the walls so that they could get a photo without the flash reflecting off of the glass and this sent me into a panic. I have no explanation for this. I have no childhood trauma involving heights. It's just some inborn fear I have.

I was quite possibly royalty at some point as well. I am fascinated with stories of royalty. I cannot go into a castle or old church and not be completely transported to another time. I am a total shlub in every day life but the thought of putting on a Elizabethan gown makes me want to swoon. When the Top Gay and I went to Ireland, we spent a night at Waterford Castle. When we pulled up to the front all I could think of was "I'm home!" Standing on the balcony overlooking the courtyard at the palace in Monaco made me think "I was meant to be here." Now I don't live a life of great want, but the thought sitting in front of a fireplace the size of an elephant and reading a book while I'm served tea and scones is something I'm sure was meant for me.

So please lottery gods, send me my winning ticket. I'm ready to live the life I was meant to live.