Last week, a friend was kind/evil enough (thank you A) to share a link with me about rapture insurance. You (The Christian) hire me (The Atheist) to care for your pets after the big day, assuming you’ll be too busy living in eternal bliss/hogging up eternal rewards to do so. I don’t know why, but apparently, the animals don’t get to go.
Which confirms the inarguable fact that Christianity is big business (and goddamnit, I want in!). OK fine, I am way too lazy to start my own business, but not so lazy that I don’t have a business idea. Mine is, and always has been, Jesus and his various merchandise (because devout followers will buy ANYTHING, i.e., rapture insurance).
So, for fun, I poked around to see what’s out there and found that you can order just about anything online, which surprises me. For example: anointing oil. I admit, I have no idea what this is but isn’t it supposed to be….holy or something? Otherwise, why have anointing oil, right? I guess I envision monks with cauldrons praying over smoky batches of goo to give it just the right amount of heaven/jesus/nirvana…I had no idea it can be ordered, in different flavors (Lily of the Valley is sold out, btw) from a warehouse in Pittsburgh. Does this also mean that Catholic “holy water” comes from the tap right to the special, pre-determined places on your face?
Clearly, I understand very little about religion and its rituals but – like most Americans - I do know a thing or two about shopping/consumerism/convincing people they need stuff and have compiled a short list of possibilities.
1. The Delicious Wafer/Christflesh. I’ve had maybe two of these in my entire life but they sorta taste like something they put in your mouth at the dentist. Flavors include: extreme nacho, ranch, barbeque and soy (are vegetarians allowed to take communion? because technically it’s considered meat, right?)
2. Biblibs (a Madlibs equivalent). Create your own hilarious/convenient version of the Bible! An ice-breaker at parties and less restrictive than the originals. Feel like celebrating your impending marriage with hookers and blow? With Biblibs, no problem! Also available: Torahlibs, Qur’anlibs, and Book-o-Mormonlibs. (Scientology not available because that book is already so. funny.)
3. Disposable Magi’panty. For the mature Mormon in your life who also suffers from frequent episodes of crapping his/her pants.
WARNING: If you steal my ideas and make yourself rich, I will come after you with my highly unethical and sometimes violent attorney (this means you, rapture insurance guy). Unless you give me some of the money, then, we’re cool.
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