You know what I hate about this week? I hate that I feel like the whole world is on vacation except for me. Every single company I work with is closed this week. Driving to work I pass through a major university. Students and staff are off for winter break. I pass by a major equipment company. They are closed. It's like a dead zone. Except for me, driving to work.
You know what else I hate? How a large majority of these companies are closed and the employees have the time off FOR FREE! When my office is closed on Christmas Day, I have to use PTO time. Yeah, I don't even have the CHOICE of working or not, yet I have to take PTO time. Most of these other places are closed for a week or more and their employees get that time for free. This week is the one week a year that I feel shit on. I don't have enough vacation time to take a whole week off so here I sit.
Now of course on Sunday afternoon, after having 4 days off, I was ready to go back to work. Ready to escape the house and all that together time. But two days back was enough. Two days of twiddling my thumbs and surfing the net was enough for me. After coming home from work at night to hear about how bored my poor, suffering child is and how crazed my poor work-at-home husband is, is enough to make me want to take a day at home just to shut everyone up.
And since we're talking about things I hate, let me also touch on great office gift exchange. I hate that too. I don't buy anything for my coworkers. I spend 40 hours a week with them. Isn't that gift enough? But seriously, it's like buying for a stranger. You don't want to spend too much but you feel like you have to get them something (this excludes me of course). So what did I get this year? A candle (from a chick that sells them on the side), and a pair of socks (which may or may not have been used) and some Mary Kay products (again, from a chick that sells it on the side). I know I sound like a grinch but I would really rather have nothing. If you feel so compelled to do something for me, give the $5 to charity. GLAAD is having a $5 donation campaign right now. There you go! If you're a Jesus Freak, then give it to your church or buy a toy for a child in need. That would mean so much more to me than used socks.
It's funny how all those religious people are crying out that we need to remember "the reason for the season!" yet those are the same people who are buying these little shit gifts for everyone. If you don't know what to get me, ask. I'll tell you. If I have no ideas, then do what I mentioned above and donate to charity or buy something for a child in need. Or better yet, buy me a vacation cause I sure could use one right about now.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
Back at it!
I'm back! After getting myself caught up in the stress and craziness of the holidays, I'm finally back at work and ready to blog again. HA! Funny how that works.
While I was wound up in the holiday, I didn't find the time to watch the news. Endless holiday movies? Yes. News? No. So it was via Twitter (of course!) that I found out about the attempted bombing of Northwest flight 253. Now I admit that every time something like this happens, I have a moment of thinking about what I would do in such a situation. Would I jump up and tackle a would be terrorist or would I hunker down in my seat and protectively hover over my kid? Would I suddenly start praying or whip out my cell phone and try to call my loved ones? I like to think I know what I would do (most likely hunker down and protectively hover over the kid) but who knows what would really happen when adrenaline kicks in and you're in the moment. Anything could happen.
Anyway, Secretary Napolitano was on the airwaves touting how much safer we are now that they have tightened security on flights. They have taken away all pillows and blankets, refused passengers the right to use personal items and the right to get out of their seats all during the last hour of the flight. Wow. Really? So this is going to stop a would be terrorist? All this means is that any idiot with the same idea would just do his "job" either earlier in the flight or directly from the comfort of his own seat (rather than using the restroom to assemble his means). Gee, I feel safer already.
Remember the shoe bomber? That was eight years ago. EIGHT! For eight years we have been taking our shoes off at airport security and guess what? Another bomber got on a plane with explosives in his UNDERWEAR! How about we starting using our heads and think about NEW ways that terrorists might carry explosives on a flight rather than trying to cover our ass after it's already been exposed. I mean, how stupid do we look to these people? A bunch of scraggly terrorists that live in caves can outsmart one of the greatest nations in the world.
And of course everyone is finger pointing. Congress is demanding answers. Who let this person on a flight? Why didn't security catch him? Well, first of all, he went through screening in Amsterdam. We cannot control their security procedures. If they failed, they failed. Unfortunately, we paid the price for it, but what can you do? We can't legislate how they maintain their airport security. Secondly, as Napolitano herself said, without any "credible" evidence, this person cannot be classified as a security risk. Yes, it's easy to see how he was tied to terrorists AFTER the fact, but without evidence, how could we tie him to anyone beforehand? And if we did investigate every little nugget that came into the National Counterterrorism Center people would be bitching about all the money and resources we were wasting on false leads.
Look, I'm all for keeping a watchful eye on people. I grew up in NY with a slightly paranoid mother. I know to watch my back and to not go into New York City with any jewelry on (thanks, mom). But I also don't think that everyone that is different is a terrorist. And I refuse to live my life in fear that every foreigner I run into is going to want to kill me. I think half of the airport and airline security procedures are BS. Taking away my pillow is not going to stop a terrorist from blowing up a plane. I'm sure the government has to do something to try to calm the fear, but I honestly believe that our best defense in the air is ourselves. We've proven that time and again. I'm not saying we shouldn't have any security measures, but I think we should take a step back and re-evaluate what we're doing.
While I was wound up in the holiday, I didn't find the time to watch the news. Endless holiday movies? Yes. News? No. So it was via Twitter (of course!) that I found out about the attempted bombing of Northwest flight 253. Now I admit that every time something like this happens, I have a moment of thinking about what I would do in such a situation. Would I jump up and tackle a would be terrorist or would I hunker down in my seat and protectively hover over my kid? Would I suddenly start praying or whip out my cell phone and try to call my loved ones? I like to think I know what I would do (most likely hunker down and protectively hover over the kid) but who knows what would really happen when adrenaline kicks in and you're in the moment. Anything could happen.
Anyway, Secretary Napolitano was on the airwaves touting how much safer we are now that they have tightened security on flights. They have taken away all pillows and blankets, refused passengers the right to use personal items and the right to get out of their seats all during the last hour of the flight. Wow. Really? So this is going to stop a would be terrorist? All this means is that any idiot with the same idea would just do his "job" either earlier in the flight or directly from the comfort of his own seat (rather than using the restroom to assemble his means). Gee, I feel safer already.
Remember the shoe bomber? That was eight years ago. EIGHT! For eight years we have been taking our shoes off at airport security and guess what? Another bomber got on a plane with explosives in his UNDERWEAR! How about we starting using our heads and think about NEW ways that terrorists might carry explosives on a flight rather than trying to cover our ass after it's already been exposed. I mean, how stupid do we look to these people? A bunch of scraggly terrorists that live in caves can outsmart one of the greatest nations in the world.
And of course everyone is finger pointing. Congress is demanding answers. Who let this person on a flight? Why didn't security catch him? Well, first of all, he went through screening in Amsterdam. We cannot control their security procedures. If they failed, they failed. Unfortunately, we paid the price for it, but what can you do? We can't legislate how they maintain their airport security. Secondly, as Napolitano herself said, without any "credible" evidence, this person cannot be classified as a security risk. Yes, it's easy to see how he was tied to terrorists AFTER the fact, but without evidence, how could we tie him to anyone beforehand? And if we did investigate every little nugget that came into the National Counterterrorism Center people would be bitching about all the money and resources we were wasting on false leads.
Look, I'm all for keeping a watchful eye on people. I grew up in NY with a slightly paranoid mother. I know to watch my back and to not go into New York City with any jewelry on (thanks, mom). But I also don't think that everyone that is different is a terrorist. And I refuse to live my life in fear that every foreigner I run into is going to want to kill me. I think half of the airport and airline security procedures are BS. Taking away my pillow is not going to stop a terrorist from blowing up a plane. I'm sure the government has to do something to try to calm the fear, but I honestly believe that our best defense in the air is ourselves. We've proven that time and again. I'm not saying we shouldn't have any security measures, but I think we should take a step back and re-evaluate what we're doing.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Top Ten
I was perusing Twitter this morning and saw that Meghan McCain (yes, I follow her - don't judge me.) created a list of the most interesting people of 2009. Since when do we care who Meghan McCain thinks is interesting? She isn't even all that interesting herself half the time. Except when she takes an obviously sexy photo and then gets all dumb blonde on us about it. Like, OMG, I didn't know this was gonna cause a stir! *giggle*
So in salute to Megs, I hereby give you MY list of the Top Ten Most Interesting People of 2009. (Please note that these are in random order because I'm too damn lazy to really THINK about this and much like Meghan McCain, I don't think anyone cares.)
#10 Tiger Woods
Ok, so the man that seemingly has everything apparently can't get enough rough sex. I definitely think that's interesting. I will continue to watch to see the layers unfold on this drama.
#9 Sarah Palin
Yeah, I said it. But I think she's interesting because you just never know what kind of crazy may come out of her mouth next. It's like she really has no common sense. She made millions off of her book deal but couldn't afford a new visor before her Hawaiian vacation? She literally had to black out John McCain's name on the one she had? And she didn't think that would attract attention? Yeah, morons are interesting.
#8 Capt. Sullenberger
He landed the USAirways jet in the Hudson River. I am fascinated by him because he has some sort of PR machine behind him. He always has the right answer and is never emotional. I think he is a hero, but is he really human?
#7 Bernie Madoff
It just blows my mind that this guy ran this Ponzi scheme for YEARS and no one thought anything of it. Really? No one thought the massive returns on their investments were too good to be true? I just don't get it. But Bernie did. He knew these people would believe anything and he took them for all they were worth. I just wonder where the rest of the money is hidden now.
#6 Lady GaGa
I don't understand her or her "art". I don't really want to but I am oddly fascinated by her. Her songs annoy the shit out of me though.
#5 The Obamas
They look like they run a tight ship but yet are relaxed and cool. They put forth the image that they have a fabulous marriage and great family. There is no way their lives are as perfect as they make it out to be. I would LOVE to see the finger waving and head bobbing that goes on behind closed doors.
#4 The Real Housewives of New Jersey
Dude, anyone grown woman that flips a table is interesting.
#3 The Duggars
Like a car wreck, I cannot turn away. For two good Christians, Jim Bob and Michelle can't seem to keep their hands off of each other. I don't quite think that's what the Lord had in mind when he talked about procreating. They never watch tv, don't seem to really have friends, they homeschool and they all look like clones of each other. Watching them visit a school and seeing what the real world like is fascinating.
#2 Stephanie Meyer
It's pretty bad ass when you wake up from a dream and then write a best selling teen series about it. Although the whole Mormon angle of her beliefs obviously creeps into the story, but I can still admire a stay at home mom turned superstar (so to speak).
#1 Julia Child
I went to see Julie and Julia this summer and then followed that up with Julia's book about her life in France. She was a saucy little bitch and I love her for it. Definitely pick up that book if you haven't read it.
So are you blown away? Amazed? Intrigued? Or all of the above? Babs has nothing on me.
So in salute to Megs, I hereby give you MY list of the Top Ten Most Interesting People of 2009. (Please note that these are in random order because I'm too damn lazy to really THINK about this and much like Meghan McCain, I don't think anyone cares.)
#10 Tiger Woods
Ok, so the man that seemingly has everything apparently can't get enough rough sex. I definitely think that's interesting. I will continue to watch to see the layers unfold on this drama.
#9 Sarah Palin
Yeah, I said it. But I think she's interesting because you just never know what kind of crazy may come out of her mouth next. It's like she really has no common sense. She made millions off of her book deal but couldn't afford a new visor before her Hawaiian vacation? She literally had to black out John McCain's name on the one she had? And she didn't think that would attract attention? Yeah, morons are interesting.
#8 Capt. Sullenberger
He landed the USAirways jet in the Hudson River. I am fascinated by him because he has some sort of PR machine behind him. He always has the right answer and is never emotional. I think he is a hero, but is he really human?
#7 Bernie Madoff
It just blows my mind that this guy ran this Ponzi scheme for YEARS and no one thought anything of it. Really? No one thought the massive returns on their investments were too good to be true? I just don't get it. But Bernie did. He knew these people would believe anything and he took them for all they were worth. I just wonder where the rest of the money is hidden now.
#6 Lady GaGa
I don't understand her or her "art". I don't really want to but I am oddly fascinated by her. Her songs annoy the shit out of me though.
#5 The Obamas
They look like they run a tight ship but yet are relaxed and cool. They put forth the image that they have a fabulous marriage and great family. There is no way their lives are as perfect as they make it out to be. I would LOVE to see the finger waving and head bobbing that goes on behind closed doors.
#4 The Real Housewives of New Jersey
Dude, anyone grown woman that flips a table is interesting.
#3 The Duggars
Like a car wreck, I cannot turn away. For two good Christians, Jim Bob and Michelle can't seem to keep their hands off of each other. I don't quite think that's what the Lord had in mind when he talked about procreating. They never watch tv, don't seem to really have friends, they homeschool and they all look like clones of each other. Watching them visit a school and seeing what the real world like is fascinating.
#2 Stephanie Meyer
It's pretty bad ass when you wake up from a dream and then write a best selling teen series about it. Although the whole Mormon angle of her beliefs obviously creeps into the story, but I can still admire a stay at home mom turned superstar (so to speak).
#1 Julia Child
I went to see Julie and Julia this summer and then followed that up with Julia's book about her life in France. She was a saucy little bitch and I love her for it. Definitely pick up that book if you haven't read it.
So are you blown away? Amazed? Intrigued? Or all of the above? Babs has nothing on me.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Jersey
I'm old. I mean I did find THREE gray hairs the other day. THREE! But I think the real reason I'm old is because I watched Jersey Shore on MTV.
Everyone has been talking about this show. The Italian-Americans are all up in arms about how this portrays them. Funny, no one seemed to care about The Godfather or The Sopranos. There was even a reality show about Victoria Gotti and her family; and let's not forget The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Somehow, these shows were ok, but Jersey Shore is not. A show about a bunch of 20-something kids doing what 20-something kids do. And don't they realize that raising a stink only causes MORE people to watch just to see what everyone is huffing and puffing about? Duh.
I just don't get why people are shocked and upset about this. Personally, I think it's dumb. It's a bunch of kids thinking they are better than everyone else and generally causing a lot of un-necessary drama. And what's with all the stupid nicknames? Really, what girl is gonna fall for some douche bag with a name like "The Situation"? Only the girl that sees the camera crew, that's who. And what about J-Woww (yes, two W's). Guys like her because she prances around half naked. Not because of the 2 W's in her name or the brain that I know resides inside of her skull.
I grew up in New York. I know all about guidos and the Jersey Shore. I spent lots of time with both in my younger years. But then I graduated college and moved to DC and guess what? The same scene was happening there. Mix a bunch of government staffers who thing they are god's gift and cart them up to Bethany Beach in Delaware and there you have it. Point being that while MTV focused on a group that frequents the Jersey Shore, the same type of people are everywhere and they are all doing the same things. Get over it.
So thanks Italian-Americans for making me tune in. Unfortunately for MTV, I'm tuning back out. Apparently I'm too old.
Everyone has been talking about this show. The Italian-Americans are all up in arms about how this portrays them. Funny, no one seemed to care about The Godfather or The Sopranos. There was even a reality show about Victoria Gotti and her family; and let's not forget The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Somehow, these shows were ok, but Jersey Shore is not. A show about a bunch of 20-something kids doing what 20-something kids do. And don't they realize that raising a stink only causes MORE people to watch just to see what everyone is huffing and puffing about? Duh.
I just don't get why people are shocked and upset about this. Personally, I think it's dumb. It's a bunch of kids thinking they are better than everyone else and generally causing a lot of un-necessary drama. And what's with all the stupid nicknames? Really, what girl is gonna fall for some douche bag with a name like "The Situation"? Only the girl that sees the camera crew, that's who. And what about J-Woww (yes, two W's). Guys like her because she prances around half naked. Not because of the 2 W's in her name or the brain that I know resides inside of her skull.
I grew up in New York. I know all about guidos and the Jersey Shore. I spent lots of time with both in my younger years. But then I graduated college and moved to DC and guess what? The same scene was happening there. Mix a bunch of government staffers who thing they are god's gift and cart them up to Bethany Beach in Delaware and there you have it. Point being that while MTV focused on a group that frequents the Jersey Shore, the same type of people are everywhere and they are all doing the same things. Get over it.
So thanks Italian-Americans for making me tune in. Unfortunately for MTV, I'm tuning back out. Apparently I'm too old.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Best Story Ever!
A friend shared this story with me this morning. Truly one of the best stories ever. People, do not mess with the gays. You will never win.
OK, last night was our resident party. We go off property (easier on us) rather than having a shindig in our building. One of my fave little joints in midtown. All my favorite resident gays. Good times. So my two favorite resident gays invite C and I to the after party at a bar down the street. We consider it but then think we should get home and relieve the babysitter. This is what we missed:
RG (resident gay) Brad is tipsy. RG Scott wants to go meet his new crush, RG Rocker (don't know his real name - he plays guitar, that's what they call him) but wants to be casual about it so he asks RG Brad to come along. Brad wants a sammich. They stop and get one at a bbq joint and keep walking. RG Scott and RG Rocker meet up and start making out, annoying RG Brad who steps over to his car (to sit and eat his sammich). Suddenly, a black mercedes pulls up, a 5 foot tall little chica hops out, waves a gun at Scott and Rocker and demands money.
RG Scott, annoyed that his smooch was interrupted, says "Bitch get outta here with that little cap gun and piss off." She fires the gun at the sidewalk. RG Brad turns around, dazed, wondering who the hell is throwing firecrackers. Chick jumps back in her car and speeds off. Scott yells to Brad to call 911 because "that stupid little bitch just tried to rob me!" They all take off on foot after her and see her stuck in traffic up ahead. Cops just happened to be about a block away, the RGs flag them down and yell that the bitch in the mercedes just held them up. Cops pursue her, catch her, and ask RG Scott for a description.
He says "she was 5'2, probably 125 lbs, bown hair past her shoulder, wearing a white tshirt, seven for mankind jeans, and brown leather shoes." Cop is stunned, leads him to the cop car where pissed off, glass kicking chick is now handcuffed, and damn if he wasn't spot on with every tiny detail. Lesson learned, kids: Don't rob a gay man in midtown because he WILL be able to describe you right down to whether or not you have VPL.
Turns out, she had just tried to rob another dude a few blocks away and he also laughed her off. It was not a cap gun, it was a real gun. She denied firing it and RG Scott said "oh, if that trashy little bitch wants to question my memory, I will take you to the exact spot on the sidewalk". At that point, she admitted it but said she wasn't shooting AT him, just at the sidewalk and kicked the window again and said "stop wasting my time and take me to fucking jail already", while my RGs stood inches from the squad car, taunting her and her outdated mercedes ("I recognized the car right away because my grandmother had the same one back in 1987" and "I'm NOT being snobby, I'm just saying!"). Snort.
OK, last night was our resident party. We go off property (easier on us) rather than having a shindig in our building. One of my fave little joints in midtown. All my favorite resident gays. Good times. So my two favorite resident gays invite C and I to the after party at a bar down the street. We consider it but then think we should get home and relieve the babysitter. This is what we missed:
RG (resident gay) Brad is tipsy. RG Scott wants to go meet his new crush, RG Rocker (don't know his real name - he plays guitar, that's what they call him) but wants to be casual about it so he asks RG Brad to come along. Brad wants a sammich. They stop and get one at a bbq joint and keep walking. RG Scott and RG Rocker meet up and start making out, annoying RG Brad who steps over to his car (to sit and eat his sammich). Suddenly, a black mercedes pulls up, a 5 foot tall little chica hops out, waves a gun at Scott and Rocker and demands money.
RG Scott, annoyed that his smooch was interrupted, says "Bitch get outta here with that little cap gun and piss off." She fires the gun at the sidewalk. RG Brad turns around, dazed, wondering who the hell is throwing firecrackers. Chick jumps back in her car and speeds off. Scott yells to Brad to call 911 because "that stupid little bitch just tried to rob me!" They all take off on foot after her and see her stuck in traffic up ahead. Cops just happened to be about a block away, the RGs flag them down and yell that the bitch in the mercedes just held them up. Cops pursue her, catch her, and ask RG Scott for a description.
He says "she was 5'2, probably 125 lbs, bown hair past her shoulder, wearing a white tshirt, seven for mankind jeans, and brown leather shoes." Cop is stunned, leads him to the cop car where pissed off, glass kicking chick is now handcuffed, and damn if he wasn't spot on with every tiny detail. Lesson learned, kids: Don't rob a gay man in midtown because he WILL be able to describe you right down to whether or not you have VPL.
Turns out, she had just tried to rob another dude a few blocks away and he also laughed her off. It was not a cap gun, it was a real gun. She denied firing it and RG Scott said "oh, if that trashy little bitch wants to question my memory, I will take you to the exact spot on the sidewalk". At that point, she admitted it but said she wasn't shooting AT him, just at the sidewalk and kicked the window again and said "stop wasting my time and take me to fucking jail already", while my RGs stood inches from the squad car, taunting her and her outdated mercedes ("I recognized the car right away because my grandmother had the same one back in 1987" and "I'm NOT being snobby, I'm just saying!"). Snort.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
What ever happened to common sense?
Driving in to work today I was listening to CNN on XM radio. They had a quick blurb on how roman shades and window blinds (50 million of them) were being recalled due to strangulation. I think they said there were 5 deaths total in the last few years. Gee, 5 whole deaths? That's all it takes to recall millions of window coverings? Now I'm not saying those deaths weren't tragic or devastating to the families they affected, but what is this world coming to that we have 5 deaths and now have to take back all the window coverings? Do people seriously not know that putting a cord around your neck is bad? Do they leave cords lying around when children are present?
And what about the swine flu? Oh wait, I'm sorry, the H1N1. Don't want to offend any pigs here. A few people get sick and suddenly there is mass hysteria. Even my own husband jumped on the bandwagon. "We need to get her vaccinated!" People were wearing masks everywhere you went. Hand sanitizer within reach no matter where you were. What happened that people stopped practicing basic hygiene? Why did I need a 10 page document (literally) from daycare telling me how to wash my hands? Are we a bunch a savages that have suddenly discovered that we can spread germs if we don't wash our hands?
Last week I wrote about some 21 year old guy that literally got out of his car on the highway after an accident. He got out because he saw a truck headed towards him. Are we now going to recall vehicles because someone was too dumb to remember to stay INSIDE of one while on the highway?
I sometimes think that we have access to too much information. It's like those Bing ads:
You have to stop and wonder how on earth we survived as a species. How did we all survive without car seats and bike helmets? Without cell phones and computers?
The answer? We survived with common sense.
And what about the swine flu? Oh wait, I'm sorry, the H1N1. Don't want to offend any pigs here. A few people get sick and suddenly there is mass hysteria. Even my own husband jumped on the bandwagon. "We need to get her vaccinated!" People were wearing masks everywhere you went. Hand sanitizer within reach no matter where you were. What happened that people stopped practicing basic hygiene? Why did I need a 10 page document (literally) from daycare telling me how to wash my hands? Are we a bunch a savages that have suddenly discovered that we can spread germs if we don't wash our hands?
Last week I wrote about some 21 year old guy that literally got out of his car on the highway after an accident. He got out because he saw a truck headed towards him. Are we now going to recall vehicles because someone was too dumb to remember to stay INSIDE of one while on the highway?
I sometimes think that we have access to too much information. It's like those Bing ads:
You have to stop and wonder how on earth we survived as a species. How did we all survive without car seats and bike helmets? Without cell phones and computers?
The answer? We survived with common sense.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Crazy Facebook Lady
My kid has a friend that she met in pre-school. This kid (we'll call her L) is annoying as hell. She's a spoiled brat. Her parents are both therapists so that gives you a clue as to how wacky this child is. I call L's mother the Crazy Facebook Lady. Why, you ask? Because last year she posted a whole therapy-esque missive on my Facebook wall. The kids had a tiff at school and L whined to her mother and the mother posted the ENTIRE episode on my FB wall. Including a note that asked me (the adult) to call her kid (a 5 year old) to discuss the situation.
Ok, first of all, if you want to post that on my FB wall have at it. But when you post your home phone number for everyone to see, I am NOT responsible for any prank calls you may or may not receive. I am also not responsible when my other Facebook friends come out and respond to your post and attack you. *ahem* Secondly, the kids need to work it out. I'm not speaking to a 5 year old about some stupid tiff she got into with my kid. They are old enough to work it out and this mommy ain't stepping in to solve my kid's problems. When I emailed this to the mother, she responded with painstaking detail (again) about everything that happened and how hurt her kid was, blah, blah, blah. I just deleted her email.
Flash forward to last Thursday. I get home and am cooking dinner. CFBL texts me that she wants to stop by with a party invitation for Saturday. It's a last minute sleepover thing for the girls. I'm not thrilled about this and immediately go into survival mode. Do I take the kid to the store so we're not here when they arrive? Do I flat out deny the party? God I hate the fucking woman! How do I avoid this??
At 7:15 the doorbell rings. I didn't tell my kid they were coming so she is surprised and happy. CFBL and her kid come in and hand us the invitation. Of course the kids want to play so we say fine, they can play for a few minutes. AN HOUR LATER they are still at my house. CFBL has left her puppy in the car and it's 15 degrees out. I have a throbbing headache since L is a screaming banshee that has terrorized my house and my dog. I'm doing all I can to get them out of my house without directly kicking them out. They finally leave at about 8:30. My husband says "Man, that woman is annoying." I tell him now he finally understands.
During the summer, my kid was begging for a play date with some pre-school friends. CFBL shows up with her kid. They have a backpack and a sleeping bag. "Well, L wanted to sleep over so she brought her stuff." Um, this wasn't a sleepover and it's NOON. And now I've got another kid that thinks she wasn't invited to sleep over! By 11pm L wanted to go home (and I wanted her to go home too) so I handed her the phone and made her call her mother. I didn't even try to get her stay.
So now CFBL has been harassing me about what I'm doing with my kid over Christmas break. I've been avoiding her like the plague. This weekend she told me she suckered (my word, no hers) some other parent to take her kid for 3 days one week. This also includes a sleepover. My husband and I just laughed. That poor woman has no idea what she signed up for. But at least she can be someone else's cross to bear.
Ok, first of all, if you want to post that on my FB wall have at it. But when you post your home phone number for everyone to see, I am NOT responsible for any prank calls you may or may not receive. I am also not responsible when my other Facebook friends come out and respond to your post and attack you. *ahem* Secondly, the kids need to work it out. I'm not speaking to a 5 year old about some stupid tiff she got into with my kid. They are old enough to work it out and this mommy ain't stepping in to solve my kid's problems. When I emailed this to the mother, she responded with painstaking detail (again) about everything that happened and how hurt her kid was, blah, blah, blah. I just deleted her email.
Flash forward to last Thursday. I get home and am cooking dinner. CFBL texts me that she wants to stop by with a party invitation for Saturday. It's a last minute sleepover thing for the girls. I'm not thrilled about this and immediately go into survival mode. Do I take the kid to the store so we're not here when they arrive? Do I flat out deny the party? God I hate the fucking woman! How do I avoid this??
At 7:15 the doorbell rings. I didn't tell my kid they were coming so she is surprised and happy. CFBL and her kid come in and hand us the invitation. Of course the kids want to play so we say fine, they can play for a few minutes. AN HOUR LATER they are still at my house. CFBL has left her puppy in the car and it's 15 degrees out. I have a throbbing headache since L is a screaming banshee that has terrorized my house and my dog. I'm doing all I can to get them out of my house without directly kicking them out. They finally leave at about 8:30. My husband says "Man, that woman is annoying." I tell him now he finally understands.
During the summer, my kid was begging for a play date with some pre-school friends. CFBL shows up with her kid. They have a backpack and a sleeping bag. "Well, L wanted to sleep over so she brought her stuff." Um, this wasn't a sleepover and it's NOON. And now I've got another kid that thinks she wasn't invited to sleep over! By 11pm L wanted to go home (and I wanted her to go home too) so I handed her the phone and made her call her mother. I didn't even try to get her stay.
So now CFBL has been harassing me about what I'm doing with my kid over Christmas break. I've been avoiding her like the plague. This weekend she told me she suckered (my word, no hers) some other parent to take her kid for 3 days one week. This also includes a sleepover. My husband and I just laughed. That poor woman has no idea what she signed up for. But at least she can be someone else's cross to bear.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
No time to be sick
Why do we, as Americans, have such shitty vacation and sick policies?
Why, as one of the leading nations of the world, do we not care about
our own citizens?
This thought came to me yesterday as I came in to work sick. I was up
half the night on Tuesday because some new medication I'm taking has
me feeling worse than the issues it was supposed to manage. Yesterday
morning I woke up still feeling like crap. My first thought was "I'm
calling in!" Then I thought, "Shit, I don't have enough PTO time."
So I got up, got dressed and came in. I can't even tell you how many
times I've done this and how many time I've watched other people do
this. It's all too common. Wonder why we have things like the H1N1
"pandemic"? Because people don't have the sick leave to stay home
with their kids or to take care of themselves. The almighty dollar is
always more important to businesses rather than the health and welfare
of their employees.
The previous company I worked for did a lot of work in Europe. Every
summer, there was the August shut down. A month of time off for the
workers there. A MONTH! Of course that would leave all of us
overworked Americans feeling angry and jealous. Of course these same
people got another chunk of time over the holidays. To the Europeans,
they would never work on a holiday. They expect you to be with
family. Here, we were expected to be at work. SOMEONE had to be in
the office. What if there was an emergency? By the way, that company
only gave you 2 weeks of vacation and zero (yes, I said ZERO) sick
leave.
And what about maternity leave? If you're lucky, you get 6 weeks
UNPAID leave. That's your payment for giving birth. Six weeks of
unpaid leave. You're barely functioning as a human with your world
turned upside down and now you've got to return to work. I wonder
what productivity rates are for new mothers that get this kind of
leave? I was "fortunate" and had 3 months off with 60% pay thanks to
short term disability. My Canadian friends cannot believe that we do
this. They get an entire YEAR off for maternity leave. A year with
your job guaranteed when you return. I can't even imagine what that
must be like. And they get PAID for that as well. In my current job,
you have to be an employee for a year before you even qualify for
maternity benefits. And then they suck out a chuck of your PTO time
before they even tap into FMLA. Better keep your legs closed people!
When I was still in DC I worked for a lobbying firm. We had unlimited
sick leave and vacation time. Yes, you read that right. Unlimited.
People thought this was absolutely insane. It was. Insanely good for
me! But you know what? NO ONE took advantage of it. Yes, people
took time off, but no one came in to the office if they were sick.
People stayed home with their kids and didn't worry about it. People
took vacation time and the office was closed on every major holiday.
In return, we did bust our asses when we were in the office, but I do
think this is a prime example of giving the workers some credit.
Everyone is so worried that people will take advantage and never show
up or do a good job. If you do find those people, then FIRE THEM!
There are plenty of good people that WILL do the work and WILL respect
the policies.
My current job is very strict on PTO time. We accrue time with each
pay period (every two weeks). So over the year I think an average
employee racks up about 24 days of PTO. Not bad, right? But every
holiday during the year that the office is closed is removed from that
amount. So that's 6 days off the top. So you're down to 18 now which
still isn't all that bad. That's almost 4 weeks. But once you throw
in a family situation (like kids) and you're slowing losing days.
Kids get sick, you get sick. This year I had a family funeral. But
bereavement leave is only for immediate family so I didn't qualify for
that time off. It had to come out of my PTO. And again, you don't
get the lump sum of days at the start of the year. You are accruing
them all year long. And if you don't have the time in your bank, they
will deny you leave. No such thing as unpaid time. So you are slowly
upping your time each month and then whacking it back down when your
kid gets sick, someone dies, or god forbid you take a vacation. It's
a constant struggle. Which is why I am at work sick. Again. I've
got just enough time to cover me for the holidays. There is no time
to be sick.
Why, as one of the leading nations of the world, do we not care about
our own citizens?
This thought came to me yesterday as I came in to work sick. I was up
half the night on Tuesday because some new medication I'm taking has
me feeling worse than the issues it was supposed to manage. Yesterday
morning I woke up still feeling like crap. My first thought was "I'm
calling in!" Then I thought, "Shit, I don't have enough PTO time."
So I got up, got dressed and came in. I can't even tell you how many
times I've done this and how many time I've watched other people do
this. It's all too common. Wonder why we have things like the H1N1
"pandemic"? Because people don't have the sick leave to stay home
with their kids or to take care of themselves. The almighty dollar is
always more important to businesses rather than the health and welfare
of their employees.
The previous company I worked for did a lot of work in Europe. Every
summer, there was the August shut down. A month of time off for the
workers there. A MONTH! Of course that would leave all of us
overworked Americans feeling angry and jealous. Of course these same
people got another chunk of time over the holidays. To the Europeans,
they would never work on a holiday. They expect you to be with
family. Here, we were expected to be at work. SOMEONE had to be in
the office. What if there was an emergency? By the way, that company
only gave you 2 weeks of vacation and zero (yes, I said ZERO) sick
leave.
And what about maternity leave? If you're lucky, you get 6 weeks
UNPAID leave. That's your payment for giving birth. Six weeks of
unpaid leave. You're barely functioning as a human with your world
turned upside down and now you've got to return to work. I wonder
what productivity rates are for new mothers that get this kind of
leave? I was "fortunate" and had 3 months off with 60% pay thanks to
short term disability. My Canadian friends cannot believe that we do
this. They get an entire YEAR off for maternity leave. A year with
your job guaranteed when you return. I can't even imagine what that
must be like. And they get PAID for that as well. In my current job,
you have to be an employee for a year before you even qualify for
maternity benefits. And then they suck out a chuck of your PTO time
before they even tap into FMLA. Better keep your legs closed people!
When I was still in DC I worked for a lobbying firm. We had unlimited
sick leave and vacation time. Yes, you read that right. Unlimited.
People thought this was absolutely insane. It was. Insanely good for
me! But you know what? NO ONE took advantage of it. Yes, people
took time off, but no one came in to the office if they were sick.
People stayed home with their kids and didn't worry about it. People
took vacation time and the office was closed on every major holiday.
In return, we did bust our asses when we were in the office, but I do
think this is a prime example of giving the workers some credit.
Everyone is so worried that people will take advantage and never show
up or do a good job. If you do find those people, then FIRE THEM!
There are plenty of good people that WILL do the work and WILL respect
the policies.
My current job is very strict on PTO time. We accrue time with each
pay period (every two weeks). So over the year I think an average
employee racks up about 24 days of PTO. Not bad, right? But every
holiday during the year that the office is closed is removed from that
amount. So that's 6 days off the top. So you're down to 18 now which
still isn't all that bad. That's almost 4 weeks. But once you throw
in a family situation (like kids) and you're slowing losing days.
Kids get sick, you get sick. This year I had a family funeral. But
bereavement leave is only for immediate family so I didn't qualify for
that time off. It had to come out of my PTO. And again, you don't
get the lump sum of days at the start of the year. You are accruing
them all year long. And if you don't have the time in your bank, they
will deny you leave. No such thing as unpaid time. So you are slowly
upping your time each month and then whacking it back down when your
kid gets sick, someone dies, or god forbid you take a vacation. It's
a constant struggle. Which is why I am at work sick. Again. I've
got just enough time to cover me for the holidays. There is no time
to be sick.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Punk'd
Yesterday morning we had a dusting of snow. Did you read that? A dusting. Suddenly everyone acted as if we lived in Florida and got a snowfall. No one knew how to drive. Everyone was going about 20 mph on roads that were totally clear. People were slamming on their brakes when a car a mile in front of them came to a stop. There was even a fatal accident on the highway because some idiot crashed and then GOT OUT OF HIS CAR because he saw a truck coming towards him. Isn't that some basic rule of driving? Stay in the car? Especially when you're on the highway? Anyway, by the time I pulled into the parking lot at work I was a jittery mess. And I hadn't even had any coffee! Which, by the way, pissed me off because I WANTED to go to Starbucks, but since the morons were out, I ended up with no time to stop.
About 15 minutes after sitting my ass in my chair, the phone rings. It's my darling husband. He is FREAKING OUT. Why you ask? Because while he was taking the kid to the bus (he's Mr. Mom) the dog decided that she was going to eat the frozen steaks I set on the counter to thaw. Yup. She opened the ziploc back and ate the steaks, foil and all. Mr. Mom (MM) was freaking out because the dog just ate $30 worth of steak. Not that the dog ate frozen meat and foil, but that he was out $30 for steak. "Something has to be done!" he yelled at me. Uh, ok, what would you like me to do? "She needs training or something!" Ok, so find her some. And then take her to it. But we all know that isn't his plan. His plan is that *I* find the training and that *I* take the dog to it. Because really, I'm sitting around eating bon bons all day with nothing else to do. So I let him rant and then hung up.
Later on that day MM emails me to let me know he's sick with flu-like symptoms. I tell him to go lay down, take some tylenol and some immodium and chill out. Later I get home with the kid and we run around like crazy for an hour doing laundry, taking care of the dog and doing all the other little things I do before we had to run back out for me to get my hair cut. We ride over to the salon only to realize it's CLOSED and I had the wrong day. Damnit. So we ride back home and I spend the rest of the evening doing laundry and getting ready for today (how do other moms deal with all this piddly shit we have to do?? Permission slips, book orders, special requests from the teacher, signing off on their behavior for the day, lunch for tomorrow, etc. No wonder Michelle Duggar homeschools!). Around 10:30 when I'm getting ready for bed, MM texts me from the basement to ask if he's quarantined. He really thought I would hang out with him when I got home. I told him that yes, he was quarantined and no, I wasn't going to share space with him especially if he was nauseous and had the runs. Why put myself in that position? Because we know that if I get sick ain't no one going to take care of anything until I drag my sorry ass out of bed and do it myself. Then he asks if I have canceled the cleaning lady for today. Because she shouldn't be coming to the house if he's sick. Ok, wait. You want me to come hang out with you while you're sick but you don't want to put the cleaning lady in any danger? What?! So I told him no, she was coming and I wanted her to clean the germs.
I'm waiting to find out that I've been Punk'd.
About 15 minutes after sitting my ass in my chair, the phone rings. It's my darling husband. He is FREAKING OUT. Why you ask? Because while he was taking the kid to the bus (he's Mr. Mom) the dog decided that she was going to eat the frozen steaks I set on the counter to thaw. Yup. She opened the ziploc back and ate the steaks, foil and all. Mr. Mom (MM) was freaking out because the dog just ate $30 worth of steak. Not that the dog ate frozen meat and foil, but that he was out $30 for steak. "Something has to be done!" he yelled at me. Uh, ok, what would you like me to do? "She needs training or something!" Ok, so find her some. And then take her to it. But we all know that isn't his plan. His plan is that *I* find the training and that *I* take the dog to it. Because really, I'm sitting around eating bon bons all day with nothing else to do. So I let him rant and then hung up.
Later on that day MM emails me to let me know he's sick with flu-like symptoms. I tell him to go lay down, take some tylenol and some immodium and chill out. Later I get home with the kid and we run around like crazy for an hour doing laundry, taking care of the dog and doing all the other little things I do before we had to run back out for me to get my hair cut. We ride over to the salon only to realize it's CLOSED and I had the wrong day. Damnit. So we ride back home and I spend the rest of the evening doing laundry and getting ready for today (how do other moms deal with all this piddly shit we have to do?? Permission slips, book orders, special requests from the teacher, signing off on their behavior for the day, lunch for tomorrow, etc. No wonder Michelle Duggar homeschools!). Around 10:30 when I'm getting ready for bed, MM texts me from the basement to ask if he's quarantined. He really thought I would hang out with him when I got home. I told him that yes, he was quarantined and no, I wasn't going to share space with him especially if he was nauseous and had the runs. Why put myself in that position? Because we know that if I get sick ain't no one going to take care of anything until I drag my sorry ass out of bed and do it myself. Then he asks if I have canceled the cleaning lady for today. Because she shouldn't be coming to the house if he's sick. Ok, wait. You want me to come hang out with you while you're sick but you don't want to put the cleaning lady in any danger? What?! So I told him no, she was coming and I wanted her to clean the germs.
I'm waiting to find out that I've been Punk'd.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Fore!!!
I came in to work today thinking about the gays and some crazy ass website I found yesterday that wants to convert homos back to heteros. There was just SO MUCH to talk about with that site. But I guess I'll have to file that away for another day when I have writer's block because today all I can think about is Tiger Woods.
Yep. Tiger "I can't keep it in my pants" Woods. The same Tiger Woods we've all watched grow up. The one pro athlete that we all thought was actually GOOD. Like, had a family, was a great dad, a charitable person type of good. And in one fateful night that was all shot to hell.
Now, a few things here. First of all, his statement about how he was shocked at the media focus on him on this issue is just ridiculous. Tiger clearly has people. Lots of people. He is VERY well managed. He's been trained. Don't try to tell me that you're shocked at the media attention. You're one of the most well known athletes in the world, buddy. You have a hemorrhoid and everyone wants to knows about it. I don't care how tight your circle is. You have made over a billion dollars playing golf (of all things!). You're a phenom. People are fascinated and in turn, want to know more about what makes you so great.
Secondly, I do agree that just because you're famous doesn't mean that you have to tell the world every intimate detail about your life. You are still a human and have a right to your privacy. BUT (and that's a big but here), I also feel that with the fame and fortune comes the necessity to speak to the media and put some stuff out there. I HATE when celebrities think they are too good to talk to the press. Yes, I absolutely think the press is way too intrusive sometimes, but when you live your life in the public eye, there are some things that go along with that. Good or bad, that's the deal. If you don't like it, then stop cashing the checks.
Thirdly, what is with pro athletes and their inability to keep it in their pants? Seriously. Kobe Bryant taking up with a 19 year old? Tiger with 3 women (at least that we know of) on the side? Michael Jordan? Magic Johnson? There are tons of examples. But I just don't get it. Is it that you have all the fame and fortune but still have that gaping hole in your life? All of these men have beautiful wives and families at home and they are out boinking some mediocre chick in Vegas (or Colorado, or Chicago, or wherever). I wonder if these wives even think about this sort of thing before walking down the aisle. Is it just accepted that this will happen?
The current Tiger rumor is that he's offering his wife big money to stay with him. Like millions and millions of dollars. Word is that his people think she helps his image. I wonder what she thinks. I hope to god that it's more along the lines of "Does he even really love me?" and not "Well, I would never have to work again!"
And when you have a bazillion kajillion dollars, people are going to screw you over to get some of it. So when that cocktail waitress comes up to you in Vegas, you can bet your ass she's going to sell you down the river when the whole scene comes to light. Everyone has bills to pay and society ain't what it use to be. The rags will pay the chick and her life will go on while yours may be damaged forever.
Yep. Tiger "I can't keep it in my pants" Woods. The same Tiger Woods we've all watched grow up. The one pro athlete that we all thought was actually GOOD. Like, had a family, was a great dad, a charitable person type of good. And in one fateful night that was all shot to hell.
Now, a few things here. First of all, his statement about how he was shocked at the media focus on him on this issue is just ridiculous. Tiger clearly has people. Lots of people. He is VERY well managed. He's been trained. Don't try to tell me that you're shocked at the media attention. You're one of the most well known athletes in the world, buddy. You have a hemorrhoid and everyone wants to knows about it. I don't care how tight your circle is. You have made over a billion dollars playing golf (of all things!). You're a phenom. People are fascinated and in turn, want to know more about what makes you so great.
Secondly, I do agree that just because you're famous doesn't mean that you have to tell the world every intimate detail about your life. You are still a human and have a right to your privacy. BUT (and that's a big but here), I also feel that with the fame and fortune comes the necessity to speak to the media and put some stuff out there. I HATE when celebrities think they are too good to talk to the press. Yes, I absolutely think the press is way too intrusive sometimes, but when you live your life in the public eye, there are some things that go along with that. Good or bad, that's the deal. If you don't like it, then stop cashing the checks.
Thirdly, what is with pro athletes and their inability to keep it in their pants? Seriously. Kobe Bryant taking up with a 19 year old? Tiger with 3 women (at least that we know of) on the side? Michael Jordan? Magic Johnson? There are tons of examples. But I just don't get it. Is it that you have all the fame and fortune but still have that gaping hole in your life? All of these men have beautiful wives and families at home and they are out boinking some mediocre chick in Vegas (or Colorado, or Chicago, or wherever). I wonder if these wives even think about this sort of thing before walking down the aisle. Is it just accepted that this will happen?
The current Tiger rumor is that he's offering his wife big money to stay with him. Like millions and millions of dollars. Word is that his people think she helps his image. I wonder what she thinks. I hope to god that it's more along the lines of "Does he even really love me?" and not "Well, I would never have to work again!"
And when you have a bazillion kajillion dollars, people are going to screw you over to get some of it. So when that cocktail waitress comes up to you in Vegas, you can bet your ass she's going to sell you down the river when the whole scene comes to light. Everyone has bills to pay and society ain't what it use to be. The rags will pay the chick and her life will go on while yours may be damaged forever.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Happy, happy, joy, joy
Have you ever meet someone who is just perpetually unhappy? Someone who no matter what wonderful things happen to them they are still just not happy? Well, I know someone like that and it's maddening.
I complain. I probably complain more than I should. But I can also see the joy and happiness in things. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve so I get why people may think I'm unhappy sometimes. But when I'm really happy, it shows. I don't do Tom Cruise couch jumping but I will get a big goofy smile and I will get all jittery and jumpy.
Now for me to be happy I don't need jewels or fancy toys (although those don't hurt either). I get really excited about doing stuff for other people. I get it when Oprah talks about shit like that. And I'm not some do-gooder that runs around doing charity work. I have a life of my own that I can barely keep up with. Sure, if I was a lady of leisure I would probably do some charity work, but hell, for right now, I'm looking for someone to give ME some charity. But I digress.
I get a lot of joy out of watching my kid do things. I get joy out of travel and experiencing new things. I get joy out of spending time with my family. Some pretty basic, simple things. What is wrong with people that they can't see the joy in things like this?
My very own darling husband is one of these...shall we say...joyless people. It's not to say that he's not ever happy, but he's just never satisfied. You could hand the man $1 million in cash and he wouldn't be happy. There would be some initial happiness but then he would go on about how it's not enough and how there needs to be more. Shit, if someone handed me a million bucks in cash I would run through the streets naked (and I'm willing to test this if anyone is willing to give me the dough - for keeps).
The Top Gay confronted my husband on this very issue today (not being happy that is) and my darling's response? "Fuck you!" Yep, there you have it folks.
I like to think that I enjoy my life. Sure it's got it's ups and downs but in general, I'm happy. I always wish I could do more, but I'm grateful for the things I DO get to do. I make a big effort to please myself (not like THAT gutter-heads!). I work hard and I make sure I play hard too. I've earned it! So I just don't get these people that sit around and moan and groan about their lives. Again, I'm not saying I haven't, but when people say things to me like "I WISH I could do that" I just don't GET it. You CAN do whatever you want! You just need to make yourself a priority. Make YOURSELF happy and you will make others happy too. Really, it's not that hard.
I complain. I probably complain more than I should. But I can also see the joy and happiness in things. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve so I get why people may think I'm unhappy sometimes. But when I'm really happy, it shows. I don't do Tom Cruise couch jumping but I will get a big goofy smile and I will get all jittery and jumpy.
Now for me to be happy I don't need jewels or fancy toys (although those don't hurt either). I get really excited about doing stuff for other people. I get it when Oprah talks about shit like that. And I'm not some do-gooder that runs around doing charity work. I have a life of my own that I can barely keep up with. Sure, if I was a lady of leisure I would probably do some charity work, but hell, for right now, I'm looking for someone to give ME some charity. But I digress.
I get a lot of joy out of watching my kid do things. I get joy out of travel and experiencing new things. I get joy out of spending time with my family. Some pretty basic, simple things. What is wrong with people that they can't see the joy in things like this?
My very own darling husband is one of these...shall we say...joyless people. It's not to say that he's not ever happy, but he's just never satisfied. You could hand the man $1 million in cash and he wouldn't be happy. There would be some initial happiness but then he would go on about how it's not enough and how there needs to be more. Shit, if someone handed me a million bucks in cash I would run through the streets naked (and I'm willing to test this if anyone is willing to give me the dough - for keeps).
The Top Gay confronted my husband on this very issue today (not being happy that is) and my darling's response? "Fuck you!" Yep, there you have it folks.
I like to think that I enjoy my life. Sure it's got it's ups and downs but in general, I'm happy. I always wish I could do more, but I'm grateful for the things I DO get to do. I make a big effort to please myself (not like THAT gutter-heads!). I work hard and I make sure I play hard too. I've earned it! So I just don't get these people that sit around and moan and groan about their lives. Again, I'm not saying I haven't, but when people say things to me like "I WISH I could do that" I just don't GET it. You CAN do whatever you want! You just need to make yourself a priority. Make YOURSELF happy and you will make others happy too. Really, it's not that hard.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
MyFace
Peeps, I need to speak to you dramatically and in a serious tone about something that is dangerous and inauthentic; a farce that is chapping. my. ass. Growing squat on a continuous diet of evolving lies, we look at our bestest ff's and say "who [the fuck] ARE you?". This pandemic of make-believe threatens both our well-being and gag reflexes.
I'm talking about Facebook posers.
You know who you are. Trouble is, the rest of your friends don't.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but Facebook (MySpace, et al) is a social networking site. It's a place where humans of all ages express and share themselves in a very self-indulgent way. We are all leading-role celebrities of our very own Facebook profiles: the CEO, the director, the alpha, the omega. We envision our fans hanging on every word, every latte, every frustrating experience at the mall. And this is perfectly OK, because in the process of documenting every tedious detail, we connect with other people on the planet - our friends and families - and sometimes feel a hair less alone.
Occasionally, however, a Facebook profiler becomes confused between who they actually are and who they want to be. The lines of reality become increasingly blurred, and, from the waters of delusion, a Poser is born (sorta like Glamour Shots. Stop that, it's embarrassing for all of us, you don't really look like that). Facebook becomes an image management and/or business tool, which fucks it up for the rest of us who are busy being our flawed, wart-covered selves.
Exclamation point overusers: knock it off. You're never that perky in person, so stop acting all polyanna.
Post deleters: Stop censoring what I say. I don't care if so-and-so and can see that, you shouldn't have friended aunt pearl if she doesn't know your daughter's in rehab or you got botox this year. You're an adult now. Adults don't have to hide from mommy (anymore).
Sunshine spewers: Again, this wouldn't be so hard to take if you weren't so evil in real life. Stop pretending like you don't get pissed off because it's irritating and very Stepford Wives of you to deny your human range of emotions. Besides, perfect people are boring and suck.
Stop being obsessed with what other people think. There is buckets of freedom in that. Regardless of what you say/post/do/think/kill/buy, they will judge you anyway.
Be yourself, all the parts, whomever that happens to be at the moment. Be real with us. Yes, even on Facebook.
I'm talking about Facebook posers.
You know who you are. Trouble is, the rest of your friends don't.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but Facebook (MySpace, et al) is a social networking site. It's a place where humans of all ages express and share themselves in a very self-indulgent way. We are all leading-role celebrities of our very own Facebook profiles: the CEO, the director, the alpha, the omega. We envision our fans hanging on every word, every latte, every frustrating experience at the mall. And this is perfectly OK, because in the process of documenting every tedious detail, we connect with other people on the planet - our friends and families - and sometimes feel a hair less alone.
Occasionally, however, a Facebook profiler becomes confused between who they actually are and who they want to be. The lines of reality become increasingly blurred, and, from the waters of delusion, a Poser is born (sorta like Glamour Shots. Stop that, it's embarrassing for all of us, you don't really look like that). Facebook becomes an image management and/or business tool, which fucks it up for the rest of us who are busy being our flawed, wart-covered selves.
Exclamation point overusers: knock it off. You're never that perky in person, so stop acting all polyanna.
Post deleters: Stop censoring what I say. I don't care if so-and-so and can see that, you shouldn't have friended aunt pearl if she doesn't know your daughter's in rehab or you got botox this year. You're an adult now. Adults don't have to hide from mommy (anymore).
Sunshine spewers: Again, this wouldn't be so hard to take if you weren't so evil in real life. Stop pretending like you don't get pissed off because it's irritating and very Stepford Wives of you to deny your human range of emotions. Besides, perfect people are boring and suck.
Stop being obsessed with what other people think. There is buckets of freedom in that. Regardless of what you say/post/do/think/kill/buy, they will judge you anyway.
Be yourself, all the parts, whomever that happens to be at the moment. Be real with us. Yes, even on Facebook.
Horrified Laughter
I am sitting here listening to Christmas music. There, I said it. I have Pandora open and I am listening to a Christmas channel. It is not like me to be taken over by the Christmas spirit, but for some reason I have been. Hopefully it won't last long. I know Jesus wouldn't approve. Especially from a heathen like me.
Speaking of Christmas, I was directed to the website StandforChristmas.com yesterday. Yup, another gem from Focus on the Family. This little website allows the good (har!) Christians of the world to both rate and comment on big box stores that "remember the reason for the season." So, for example, The Gap is the devil incarnate because they say "Happy Holidays" and not "Merry Christmas". Bass Pro Shops are considered "friendly" because they greet people with the old MC.
Dana from Texas writes:
Totally disgusted with Best Buy. Got my weekly ad in the paper wishing everyone a Happy Eid al-Adha. Never saw anything from BB wishing customers a Happy Thanksgiving or Merry Christmas. Didn't realize BB only had Muslim customers. I have spent 10+ thousand at BB over the past two years. Won't spend another penny there. BB hope you have a Happy Eid al-Adha. I'll be having a very Merry Christmas spending my $$$'s at another electronic store that realizes they are in America.
Gee Dana, let us consider that the muslim holiday of Eid al-Adha fell on November 27th this year. The same day as Black Friday. Should Best Buy ignore an entire demographic because it offends you? What about the fact that this holiday is about charity and making sure that no one goes without a meal? Because a big, scary muslim practices charity this must mean it's wrong. I guess this also interferes with your need to get a good deal and spend money on Christmas - the real "reason for the season" right? And doesn't spending $10K+ on electronics over 2 years full under the category of gluttony? Or is it greed?
Another concerned Christian writes:
Just bought an ipod from Best Buy, but then learned of their anti-Christmas/pro -Eid al Adha actions. I so regret having purchased from them. Best Buy, give glory to the one who has allowed and attributed to your success...Jesus Christ, not Mohammed!
If you're so offended, then why didn't you RETURN the iPod and buy it somewhere more Jesus-friendly? Best Buy can't be all that bad if you're willing to keep the good deal you got.
When reviewing The Gap comments I found this gem:
I just watched the commercial for GAP, I was truly repulsed when they mentioned that we should liberate and how they put Christmas next to solstice. Pretty much what they said was we need to break free and do what we feel is right which goes against everything for this Christmas season.
I guess this Christian forgot that all of their religious holidays were formed out of pagan beliefs (solstice). I guess doing what you feel is right is also against Christian beliefs.
Then we have this:
Very offended by the recent advertisement. How dare they suggest we celebrate what we want? This is a Christian nation.
Yes! How DARE they suggest you celebrate anything that you aren't directly told to celebrate by your priest! No birthdays! No promotions! No retirements! And since when is this a Christian nation? I thought we were the land of the free and all that jazz? Last I checked we didn't have a Taliban-like group restricting our beliefs to Christianity. But maybe I missed something. Y'know, like the First Amendment and that whole separation of church and state thing.
And lastly these two (or else I will spend all day talking about this):
What in the world is up with their latest ad?? What a slap in the face to the TRUE meaning of Christmas. I was shocked and offended when I heard the mention of the other religions in a Christmas commercial! Shame on you Gap, I will never frequent your stores.
I was SHOCKED at the TV ad! Such a blatant choice to exclude the Christian community. Now we must blatantly choose to exclude the Gap from our shopping experience!
A) Isn't it a little presumptuous to assume this is a CHRISTMAS commercial? What about all of the other religious holidays that occur between now and the new year?
Which goes hand in hand with....
B) Don't you think that the Jews and Muslims and all the other religious groups feel excluded when everything is tagged as Christmas??
To quote something I saw on Facebook (of all places!) "I think that religious wars are just a fight over who has the best imaginary friend."
Speaking of Christmas, I was directed to the website StandforChristmas.com yesterday. Yup, another gem from Focus on the Family. This little website allows the good (har!) Christians of the world to both rate and comment on big box stores that "remember the reason for the season." So, for example, The Gap is the devil incarnate because they say "Happy Holidays" and not "Merry Christmas". Bass Pro Shops are considered "friendly" because they greet people with the old MC.
Dana from Texas writes:
Totally disgusted with Best Buy. Got my weekly ad in the paper wishing everyone a Happy Eid al-Adha. Never saw anything from BB wishing customers a Happy Thanksgiving or Merry Christmas. Didn't realize BB only had Muslim customers. I have spent 10+ thousand at BB over the past two years. Won't spend another penny there. BB hope you have a Happy Eid al-Adha. I'll be having a very Merry Christmas spending my $$$'s at another electronic store that realizes they are in America.
Gee Dana, let us consider that the muslim holiday of Eid al-Adha fell on November 27th this year. The same day as Black Friday. Should Best Buy ignore an entire demographic because it offends you? What about the fact that this holiday is about charity and making sure that no one goes without a meal? Because a big, scary muslim practices charity this must mean it's wrong. I guess this also interferes with your need to get a good deal and spend money on Christmas - the real "reason for the season" right? And doesn't spending $10K+ on electronics over 2 years full under the category of gluttony? Or is it greed?
Another concerned Christian writes:
Just bought an ipod from Best Buy, but then learned of their anti-Christmas/pro -Eid al Adha actions. I so regret having purchased from them. Best Buy, give glory to the one who has allowed and attributed to your success...Jesus Christ, not Mohammed!
If you're so offended, then why didn't you RETURN the iPod and buy it somewhere more Jesus-friendly? Best Buy can't be all that bad if you're willing to keep the good deal you got.
When reviewing The Gap comments I found this gem:
I just watched the commercial for GAP, I was truly repulsed when they mentioned that we should liberate and how they put Christmas next to solstice. Pretty much what they said was we need to break free and do what we feel is right which goes against everything for this Christmas season.
I guess this Christian forgot that all of their religious holidays were formed out of pagan beliefs (solstice). I guess doing what you feel is right is also against Christian beliefs.
Then we have this:
Very offended by the recent advertisement. How dare they suggest we celebrate what we want? This is a Christian nation.
Yes! How DARE they suggest you celebrate anything that you aren't directly told to celebrate by your priest! No birthdays! No promotions! No retirements! And since when is this a Christian nation? I thought we were the land of the free and all that jazz? Last I checked we didn't have a Taliban-like group restricting our beliefs to Christianity. But maybe I missed something. Y'know, like the First Amendment and that whole separation of church and state thing.
And lastly these two (or else I will spend all day talking about this):
What in the world is up with their latest ad?? What a slap in the face to the TRUE meaning of Christmas. I was shocked and offended when I heard the mention of the other religions in a Christmas commercial! Shame on you Gap, I will never frequent your stores.
I was SHOCKED at the TV ad! Such a blatant choice to exclude the Christian community. Now we must blatantly choose to exclude the Gap from our shopping experience!
A) Isn't it a little presumptuous to assume this is a CHRISTMAS commercial? What about all of the other religious holidays that occur between now and the new year?
Which goes hand in hand with....
B) Don't you think that the Jews and Muslims and all the other religious groups feel excluded when everything is tagged as Christmas??
To quote something I saw on Facebook (of all places!) "I think that religious wars are just a fight over who has the best imaginary friend."
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Starvation and piercings
So I was emailing with co-blogger (ahem) H today. I had just finished up my oh-so-filling Lean Cuisine lunch and was wondering what the hell I was going to eat the rest of the day. I work in a medical office where we get free lunches from the big drug companies. These bountiful buffets arrive about 3-4 times per week. Anything from Panera, Olive Garden, Qdoba, to all out catered affairs (last week we had prime rib, potatoes, veggies, rolls, the works!). I'm use to eating real meals for lunch. Of course this is probably why I'm perfecting the "secretary spread" but whatever. Sadly, today we have no lunch. Yes, this makes the natives restless. Kind of like when we DO get lunch but it doesn't come with dessert. Yeah, we're spoiled. Deal with it.
Anyway, since there was no meal today, I dug into the office freezer and found an old Lean Cuisine meal I had stored in there. Cheese ravioli. Just to clarify, that's 5 cheese raviolis. 5. That's it. No more, no less. You better hope that 5 quarter sized raviolis are going to fill you up cause that's all you get. How do people SURVIVE on this stuff? I mean, it doesn't taste half bad, but really, it's like a morsel of what I normally eat. I get that this is probably a normal serving size and I eat way more than what I should, but damn. Can't they throw in a piece of garlic bread or something?
So after I gorge myself on Lean Cuisine, H sends me an email with photos of people who have tattooed and pierced themselves into oblivion. Having a tattoo myself, I'm all for the whole self-expression thing, but who ARE these people that literally turn themselves into animals? Fanged teeth, cheek implants and a tattooed leopard on your face? How do you even get to that point? And more importantly, what do these people do for a living that let's them look this way and be productive members of society? And as H mentioned, what happens when they are 65? Do they ever regret it? Or are they happy with a droopy leopard face?
And what about those piercings? The email had a man with knives criss-crossed through his nose. WTF? I'm sure it's all for show (hell, it better be!) but wow...just wow. I don't know what I would think if I saw that person in the grocery store. Actually I would probably grab my kid and leave.
For now I'm grabbing my money and leaving. To visit the vending machine that is. Thank god for the vending machine.
Anyway, since there was no meal today, I dug into the office freezer and found an old Lean Cuisine meal I had stored in there. Cheese ravioli. Just to clarify, that's 5 cheese raviolis. 5. That's it. No more, no less. You better hope that 5 quarter sized raviolis are going to fill you up cause that's all you get. How do people SURVIVE on this stuff? I mean, it doesn't taste half bad, but really, it's like a morsel of what I normally eat. I get that this is probably a normal serving size and I eat way more than what I should, but damn. Can't they throw in a piece of garlic bread or something?
So after I gorge myself on Lean Cuisine, H sends me an email with photos of people who have tattooed and pierced themselves into oblivion. Having a tattoo myself, I'm all for the whole self-expression thing, but who ARE these people that literally turn themselves into animals? Fanged teeth, cheek implants and a tattooed leopard on your face? How do you even get to that point? And more importantly, what do these people do for a living that let's them look this way and be productive members of society? And as H mentioned, what happens when they are 65? Do they ever regret it? Or are they happy with a droopy leopard face?
And what about those piercings? The email had a man with knives criss-crossed through his nose. WTF? I'm sure it's all for show (hell, it better be!) but wow...just wow. I don't know what I would think if I saw that person in the grocery store. Actually I would probably grab my kid and leave.
For now I'm grabbing my money and leaving. To visit the vending machine that is. Thank god for the vending machine.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Fear and loathing in the Midwest
So I'm back at work after nearly a week off. Why is it so hard to get back into the swing of things after a "vacation"? I'm just sitting here staring off into space. I keep logging on to Facebook hoping there will be a rash of updates for me to read. Sadly, there aren't. I guess everyone is tackling their inboxes like I should be doing.
Anyway, I had this whole blog post typed out about my mother and Thanksgiving. Then I got too scared to post it. Yes, me, a 35 year old woman who is married and has a child of her own was TOO SCARED to post anonymously about her mother. What if one day I become a famous blogger (ha ha) and my mother goes through my old posts and reads what I wrote about her in 2009? What if someone I know gets offended by my post and sends it to my mother? And why does my mother have such a hold on me? Why is it that when I go to her house for a holiday I suddenly turn into my 15 year old self? Afraid to rock the boat.
Maybe my issues lie in the fact that my mother is a very private person. She doesn't like anyone to know what's going on with our family. Everyone has skeletons in their closets. Everyone has a black sheep somewhere. We are no different. And personally, I think it's freeing to be open about that stuff. There are many more people that can relate to you than those that can't. If they judge, so be it. What are we hiding from? (Other than my mother, of course)
Maybe it's because years ago my mother was in the basement of our old childhood home cleaning out boxes. She came across a box of my stuff and inside were some letters. Of course my mother opened the letters and read them. They were in HER house she she had the right, she claimed. One letter I had written to a friend referred to my mother by her first name. This horrified my mother. "YOU DO NOT CALL ME C! YOU CALL ME MOM! I AM YOUR MOTHER!" I think there were other things I said in the letter but for some reason calling her by her first name to a friend of mine was the worst offense. I asked why she even read them as they were my private property and she went on again about how they were in her house so she had the right to read them. The whole thing caused way too much drama and many weeks of not speaking to one another.
So what could really happen? My hope would be that she would read what I wrote and view it objectively. But I also think that's my 15 year old pie in the sky self trying to rationalize my actions. The 35 year old brain knows that I just wrote an entire blog post about not writing a blog post about my mother.
Anyway, I had this whole blog post typed out about my mother and Thanksgiving. Then I got too scared to post it. Yes, me, a 35 year old woman who is married and has a child of her own was TOO SCARED to post anonymously about her mother. What if one day I become a famous blogger (ha ha) and my mother goes through my old posts and reads what I wrote about her in 2009? What if someone I know gets offended by my post and sends it to my mother? And why does my mother have such a hold on me? Why is it that when I go to her house for a holiday I suddenly turn into my 15 year old self? Afraid to rock the boat.
Maybe my issues lie in the fact that my mother is a very private person. She doesn't like anyone to know what's going on with our family. Everyone has skeletons in their closets. Everyone has a black sheep somewhere. We are no different. And personally, I think it's freeing to be open about that stuff. There are many more people that can relate to you than those that can't. If they judge, so be it. What are we hiding from? (Other than my mother, of course)
Maybe it's because years ago my mother was in the basement of our old childhood home cleaning out boxes. She came across a box of my stuff and inside were some letters. Of course my mother opened the letters and read them. They were in HER house she she had the right, she claimed. One letter I had written to a friend referred to my mother by her first name. This horrified my mother. "YOU DO NOT CALL ME C! YOU CALL ME MOM! I AM YOUR MOTHER!" I think there were other things I said in the letter but for some reason calling her by her first name to a friend of mine was the worst offense. I asked why she even read them as they were my private property and she went on again about how they were in her house so she had the right to read them. The whole thing caused way too much drama and many weeks of not speaking to one another.
So what could really happen? My hope would be that she would read what I wrote and view it objectively. But I also think that's my 15 year old pie in the sky self trying to rationalize my actions. The 35 year old brain knows that I just wrote an entire blog post about not writing a blog post about my mother.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Happy Holidays
Ahhh...the first big holiday is almost upon us. That time of year where we all pretend like we're thrilled to be with our families. The crazy Aunt that barely speaks to you, the wild screaming kids, the drunk sister-in-law...
Tomorrow I will conquer holiday air travel with my 5 year old. Alone. My husband decided that the one extra ticket was too much money so he is going to stay home. Alone. I think he just doesn't want to go to my mother's, and that's fine. His parents invited him down to their house. He declined. Our cleaning lady invited him to her house. He declined. Hey, if he wants to be alone, that's fine, but I KNOW he will call me 18 times a day once we're gone. He does it every time. Then I'll get annoyed and he'll get annoyed and HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL!!!
Sunday is his extended family Thanksgiving. He has decided that he wants to go to that. Yep, a day with family that he never speaks to. A day with family that he always complains about. And all this after my 5 year old and I get home at 11pm the night before. Sounds like a blast!
Can't you just feel the joy and love that the holidays bring?
Next up is Christmas where I try to balance my mother with his parents. Once the kid was born we told all parties involved that we were no longer traveling for Christmas. Santa comes to OUR house and OUR house only. For some reason his parents can't get the idea that they should come on the opposite year. Y'know, like my mother comes this year and his parents come next year. And I "favor" my mother since she has to buy airline tickets to get here. His parents can drive up whenever they please. It's not that far.
Anyway, two years ago my in-laws decided that they were going to come and stay for a week. No asking, no consulting, just decided. When they told us of this decision I promptly flipped shit and told my dearest that there was no way in hell they were doing that. I wouldn't even let my own mother stay for a week. In any case, that created World War III. Me wanting personal space somehow equaled me hating his parents and never wanting to spend time with them. And people wonder why I drink?
So here's to another year of family, friends and booze. Here's to hoping you don't remember the insults but DO remember what you are really thankful for.
Tomorrow I will conquer holiday air travel with my 5 year old. Alone. My husband decided that the one extra ticket was too much money so he is going to stay home. Alone. I think he just doesn't want to go to my mother's, and that's fine. His parents invited him down to their house. He declined. Our cleaning lady invited him to her house. He declined. Hey, if he wants to be alone, that's fine, but I KNOW he will call me 18 times a day once we're gone. He does it every time. Then I'll get annoyed and he'll get annoyed and HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL!!!
Sunday is his extended family Thanksgiving. He has decided that he wants to go to that. Yep, a day with family that he never speaks to. A day with family that he always complains about. And all this after my 5 year old and I get home at 11pm the night before. Sounds like a blast!
Can't you just feel the joy and love that the holidays bring?
Next up is Christmas where I try to balance my mother with his parents. Once the kid was born we told all parties involved that we were no longer traveling for Christmas. Santa comes to OUR house and OUR house only. For some reason his parents can't get the idea that they should come on the opposite year. Y'know, like my mother comes this year and his parents come next year. And I "favor" my mother since she has to buy airline tickets to get here. His parents can drive up whenever they please. It's not that far.
Anyway, two years ago my in-laws decided that they were going to come and stay for a week. No asking, no consulting, just decided. When they told us of this decision I promptly flipped shit and told my dearest that there was no way in hell they were doing that. I wouldn't even let my own mother stay for a week. In any case, that created World War III. Me wanting personal space somehow equaled me hating his parents and never wanting to spend time with them. And people wonder why I drink?
So here's to another year of family, friends and booze. Here's to hoping you don't remember the insults but DO remember what you are really thankful for.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Zzzzzzzzzzzz
I am a grouch in the morning. Regardless of how much sleep I get, I am a grouch. If you call before 10am, the house better be on fire or someone better be dead. You're lucky if I even answer the phone before then. And don't be surprised that I don't want to chat at whatever ungodly hour you call. I barely talk to my own kid before 10am. Just a lot of grunting. When the Top Gay and I travel together we don't speak before 10am. We'll get up, eat breakfast, drink coffee and just stare at our surroundings. It's just understood that there is no communicating in the morning. It's why we get along so well.
This morning the alarm went off at it's usual 7am. Annoyed, I slapped the snooze button. Then I realized that I was suppose to be at work EARLY today. Then I also realized that due to Murphy's Law, the damn dog didn't wake me up at 5am like usual. Argh. So I finally dragged my sorry ass out of bed and got in the shower. I tried to remind myself that this is only a 2 day work week for me, but that still did nothing to lift my mood. See, I'm a sleeper (and a champion napper). Always have been. When I was a kid, my mom would have to wake me up 5 or 6 times every morning just to get me up for school. Then I would be pissed at her and she would be pissed at me. This is how we started out every single day. On the weekends, I was allowed to sleep until 10am. Then she would wake me up saying I didn't need to sleep any later. If she was feeling particularly pissy, she would start vacuuming at 9am.
In college, I slept until 12 or 1pm. If I had an early class, I would just sleep through it. I wouldn't even TRY to get up on time. One year, my Top Gay and I each had a class at about 10am. We made a deal that we would get up, eat breakfast at the Student Union and then go to class. This worked fine until I realized that the Top Gay was eating and then going back to the dorm to sleep. I was pissed that I was too tired to think of this myself.
In my early working days I didn't even have a cube. Just a desk. A desk in a room with 3 other desks. No privacy. I would try to sit quietly and not speak. Sometimes people would attempt to engage me but they quickly caught on that speaking to me in the early morning was not a good idea. Especially if they liked having their head attached to their body.
Now I'm fortunate enough to have an office with a door. A luxury that I use often. I'm still training the crew here on the idea that if my door (or any door for that matter) is shut, you KNOCK. You don't just bust in at your leisure. You don't knock and open the door at the same time. I mean, would you do that if you were going into a bathroom? A dressing room in a store? Someone's home? No, you wouldn't. So don't do it here either. My door is shut for a reason and if you value your life, you'll knock. Especially if it's before 10am.
This morning the alarm went off at it's usual 7am. Annoyed, I slapped the snooze button. Then I realized that I was suppose to be at work EARLY today. Then I also realized that due to Murphy's Law, the damn dog didn't wake me up at 5am like usual. Argh. So I finally dragged my sorry ass out of bed and got in the shower. I tried to remind myself that this is only a 2 day work week for me, but that still did nothing to lift my mood. See, I'm a sleeper (and a champion napper). Always have been. When I was a kid, my mom would have to wake me up 5 or 6 times every morning just to get me up for school. Then I would be pissed at her and she would be pissed at me. This is how we started out every single day. On the weekends, I was allowed to sleep until 10am. Then she would wake me up saying I didn't need to sleep any later. If she was feeling particularly pissy, she would start vacuuming at 9am.
In college, I slept until 12 or 1pm. If I had an early class, I would just sleep through it. I wouldn't even TRY to get up on time. One year, my Top Gay and I each had a class at about 10am. We made a deal that we would get up, eat breakfast at the Student Union and then go to class. This worked fine until I realized that the Top Gay was eating and then going back to the dorm to sleep. I was pissed that I was too tired to think of this myself.
In my early working days I didn't even have a cube. Just a desk. A desk in a room with 3 other desks. No privacy. I would try to sit quietly and not speak. Sometimes people would attempt to engage me but they quickly caught on that speaking to me in the early morning was not a good idea. Especially if they liked having their head attached to their body.
Now I'm fortunate enough to have an office with a door. A luxury that I use often. I'm still training the crew here on the idea that if my door (or any door for that matter) is shut, you KNOCK. You don't just bust in at your leisure. You don't knock and open the door at the same time. I mean, would you do that if you were going into a bathroom? A dressing room in a store? Someone's home? No, you wouldn't. So don't do it here either. My door is shut for a reason and if you value your life, you'll knock. Especially if it's before 10am.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Vampires and Werewolves and Whiny Girls, OH MY!!
Yep. It's New Moon weekend. It's not something I ever thought I would blog about, but here I am. I guess what sparked it for me was logging on to Facebook and seeing just about every single status updated referencing the movie. Egads. Now, for the record, I did read the entire series (all 4 books) in about a a week and a half all while completely ignoring the needs of my child. But whatever. I was sucked in. I loved it. I sat at work and stared at the clock counting down the minutes until I could get home to finish the book. I would spend half my day trying to figure out what time I could skip out of work so that I could get to the bookstore, pick up the next book and still get to daycare on time. I don't know what sort of magical powers that Stephanie Meyer has (other than her magical underwear), but she got a hold of me (wait...maybe this is a world takeover by the Mormons!).
Last year when Twilight came out in the theaters, I found a friend/neighbor that was secretly geeked about the series to go with me. Yes, I whispered "Edward" to her and she immediately knew what I meant. We did the secret handshake and were on our way. ANYWAY, when we got to the theater we were the two oldest people in attendance. I mean, you would think we were seeing the Curious George movie or something. Wow. I'm thrilled that kids are reading, but some of those kids just seem YOUNG. And it showed when they spent half of the movie just giggling when Edward and Bella would get close or kiss. But again, I guess with the good hearty Mormon values of abstinence before marriage, it not all THAT bad for kids, right?
So flash forward to this week. Slowly the Facebook status updates started to reference the movie. Yesterday it went pretty full blown with every grown woman I know posting about how they were going to some midnight showing of the movie. They were sending flair to each other and quoting lines from the book. Did you know there are people that even had whole passages from the novel tattooed on their backs?! (no, no one I know...thank god) Now, I can understand how the idea of someone like Edward would be appealing. Who wouldn't want a gorgeous, rich man who never ages and is entirely devoted to you? We're only human (har!). But some of these woman are just...obsessed. Like somehow they suddenly can't draw the line between reality and fiction (must be the Mormons again - bring out the golden plates!). Edward isn't REAL! He's too damn perfect to be real. And if he WAS real, he wouldn't settle for that whiny brat Bella! And he certainly wouldn't let her name their child Renesmee for cryin' out loud.
But I digress.
So while I WANT to see the movie (and I will see it), I cringe just a little bit thinking about the looney bin that I'm being lumped into. I wonder if anyone will show up in their Michael Jackson ensembles?
Last year when Twilight came out in the theaters, I found a friend/neighbor that was secretly geeked about the series to go with me. Yes, I whispered "Edward" to her and she immediately knew what I meant. We did the secret handshake and were on our way. ANYWAY, when we got to the theater we were the two oldest people in attendance. I mean, you would think we were seeing the Curious George movie or something. Wow. I'm thrilled that kids are reading, but some of those kids just seem YOUNG. And it showed when they spent half of the movie just giggling when Edward and Bella would get close or kiss. But again, I guess with the good hearty Mormon values of abstinence before marriage, it not all THAT bad for kids, right?
So flash forward to this week. Slowly the Facebook status updates started to reference the movie. Yesterday it went pretty full blown with every grown woman I know posting about how they were going to some midnight showing of the movie. They were sending flair to each other and quoting lines from the book. Did you know there are people that even had whole passages from the novel tattooed on their backs?! (no, no one I know...thank god) Now, I can understand how the idea of someone like Edward would be appealing. Who wouldn't want a gorgeous, rich man who never ages and is entirely devoted to you? We're only human (har!). But some of these woman are just...obsessed. Like somehow they suddenly can't draw the line between reality and fiction (must be the Mormons again - bring out the golden plates!). Edward isn't REAL! He's too damn perfect to be real. And if he WAS real, he wouldn't settle for that whiny brat Bella! And he certainly wouldn't let her name their child Renesmee for cryin' out loud.
But I digress.
So while I WANT to see the movie (and I will see it), I cringe just a little bit thinking about the looney bin that I'm being lumped into. I wonder if anyone will show up in their Michael Jackson ensembles?
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Story Topper
Story Toppers. They exist everywhere. I tend to run into them a lot in the workplace. You know the type. You tell a story and they constantly have to one up you.
"What do you do?"
"I sell food to jails."
"I worked in a jail once!"
So today I'm sitting in my office minding my own business and TMI comes in. I call her TMI for obvious reasons (did you know she currently has a yeast infection? Yeah, you're welcome). Anyway, TMI comes in and we start discussing our mutual (and fabulous!) gay hairdresser. She went to see the gay last night. She told me how they get along SO WELL and how they text every now and then. I kinda find this hard to believe but it may be true. Then she starts in with how she just has this way with gay men. She doesn't know what it is, but she is just drawn to them and they are so much fun!
Now, TMI is a fairly hard core Christian. Her kid goes to a strict Christian high school. The kind of school with a handbook and dress codes and a place where they will literally paddle you for disobedience. So tell me, where does the whole "I'm tight with the gays" come in to play here?
TMI falls into the Story Topper category because I, too, have a gay best friend. I actually have a lot of gay friends in general, but one holds the top honor. In any case, TMI knows of my Top Gay. She knows we do almost everything together even though I'm married (well, you know what I mean!). So I'm not sure if she's trying to relate to me or outdo me or a bit of both, but frankly I don't care. If you have gay friends I think that's great. If you don't, it's your loss. But I really don't care either way. I'm not going to be friends with you or not friends with you based on your fag hag status. This holds true for just about anything (I do draw the line at foot fetish people. That's just sick). We're all different and unique and kumbaya and all that shit.
But TMI made me start thinking of my last workplace Story Topper. We'll call her The Falcon. Why The Falcon you ask? Because one day she went to her car, in her garage, and there was a FALCON sitting on her car. Let me repeat, a FALCON. Um, we live in middle america. In cornfields. How many falcons are just flying around? None, that's how many. But apparently one sought her out and decided to take refuge on top of her 1999 Ford Windstar.
The Falcon also likes to tell how she had a pet raccoon when she was a child. Rocky the Raccoon would sit on her shoulder and watch tv with her. Of course Rocky the Potentially Rabid Raccoon never bit her her anyone else. He was a unique raccoon that just happened to like living a more civilized life. Well, one day, Rocky got the boot. I don't remember why he got the boot, but he did. Upon telling me this, The Falcon got sort of wistful and gazed off into the distance. Then told me how some time later, Rocky appeared at the back door. TF got down on her knees to look at Rocky and just like that, he put his paw up to the window. TF put her hand up to window as well and they shared a tender moment.
Sweartagawd.
I really wish I had a voice recorder of some sort so you would know that I'm not making this shit up.
"What do you do?"
"I sell food to jails."
"I worked in a jail once!"
So today I'm sitting in my office minding my own business and TMI comes in. I call her TMI for obvious reasons (did you know she currently has a yeast infection? Yeah, you're welcome). Anyway, TMI comes in and we start discussing our mutual (and fabulous!) gay hairdresser. She went to see the gay last night. She told me how they get along SO WELL and how they text every now and then. I kinda find this hard to believe but it may be true. Then she starts in with how she just has this way with gay men. She doesn't know what it is, but she is just drawn to them and they are so much fun!
Now, TMI is a fairly hard core Christian. Her kid goes to a strict Christian high school. The kind of school with a handbook and dress codes and a place where they will literally paddle you for disobedience. So tell me, where does the whole "I'm tight with the gays" come in to play here?
TMI falls into the Story Topper category because I, too, have a gay best friend. I actually have a lot of gay friends in general, but one holds the top honor. In any case, TMI knows of my Top Gay. She knows we do almost everything together even though I'm married (well, you know what I mean!). So I'm not sure if she's trying to relate to me or outdo me or a bit of both, but frankly I don't care. If you have gay friends I think that's great. If you don't, it's your loss. But I really don't care either way. I'm not going to be friends with you or not friends with you based on your fag hag status. This holds true for just about anything (I do draw the line at foot fetish people. That's just sick). We're all different and unique and kumbaya and all that shit.
But TMI made me start thinking of my last workplace Story Topper. We'll call her The Falcon. Why The Falcon you ask? Because one day she went to her car, in her garage, and there was a FALCON sitting on her car. Let me repeat, a FALCON. Um, we live in middle america. In cornfields. How many falcons are just flying around? None, that's how many. But apparently one sought her out and decided to take refuge on top of her 1999 Ford Windstar.
The Falcon also likes to tell how she had a pet raccoon when she was a child. Rocky the Raccoon would sit on her shoulder and watch tv with her. Of course Rocky the Potentially Rabid Raccoon never bit her her anyone else. He was a unique raccoon that just happened to like living a more civilized life. Well, one day, Rocky got the boot. I don't remember why he got the boot, but he did. Upon telling me this, The Falcon got sort of wistful and gazed off into the distance. Then told me how some time later, Rocky appeared at the back door. TF got down on her knees to look at Rocky and just like that, he put his paw up to the window. TF put her hand up to window as well and they shared a tender moment.
Sweartagawd.
I really wish I had a voice recorder of some sort so you would know that I'm not making this shit up.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Memememememememe
Ok, so I'm the first to admit that I'm selfish. I am. I know it and embrace it. When people ask why I only have one kid, I tell him "because I am selfish." I like having my own time. I like spending money on ME and not daycare and roller skating birthday parties. I love to travel to far off places. I like living my life for me and not for other people (although I still do a lot of that). So why am I ready to rip the heads off of the selfish people at work? Well, here's the story.
So word goes out that the boss is turning 40 and everyone goes into a tizzy. People start bitching that we aren't doing anything for him. Fine, so we decide to do lunch and cake. Of course now no one will take the responsibility to order the food. So like a fool, I volunteer. Since this group is opinionated, I just picked a lunch place and ordered sandwiches, sides and drinks. Done. Total is $9 per person. Nothing crazy right? I mean, you can't even go out and buy lunch around here for less than that unless you go to McDonald's. And even then you make up the difference in Pepcid. So I send out the email asking people for the money. Afterall, I fronted the cost of this meal on my own personal credit card. Right now, I'M buying lunch for these selfish bastards.
At first a few dollars trickle in. Then I get the first phone call. A 45 year old woman giggling while telling me she doesn't have the money. "I can decorate if you want." Um, ok, but you putting up decorations doesn't pay my Visa. I'm not in management so I'm not sure how far I can push back and get nasty with these people about paying. So I just kind of sit silently on the phone while she giggles nervously about paying. Then she tells me "Well, I thought we weren't doing anything since we are going to that party for him?" "That party" is a surprise party that HIS WIFE is throwing for him. A party with a full buffet of prime rib, salmon and chicken and whatever else, a DJ, the works. A party that is FREE for us. So I inform her of all of this and say it would be pretty shitty of us to not even acknowledge his birthday at the office regardless of whether or not his wife is doing something.
Dead silence.
Then I get an email. Another woman is claiming she can't afford the $9. Ok, so I know times are tight and we are all scrimping where we can, but it's $9. $9 for the man that signs your paycheck and gives you a bonus twice a year. The man that is allowing you to work 10+ hours of overtime PER PAY PERIOD! I know you have the money. COUGH IT UP!
Fast forward to Friday of the same week. The Giggler sends out an office wide email (we're a small group) asking who wants to order lunch. Get that? ORDER LUNCH! The same kind of lunch that no one has money to pay for when it means celebrating their boss. So I sit quietly and seethe about it. Then I forward the message to management and bitch to them about how selfish people are.
Later that day The Other Cheapo overhears a conversation I'm having about how I got a new FREE iPhone (thanks tech geek friend R!). TOC goes on and on about how she and her husband have iPhones and they can't live without them, blah, blah, blah. Um, iPhones aren't cheap. especially depending on which model you have and when you purchased them. So essentially you're saying you can afford 2 iPhones and the calling plans that go with them, but you can't cough up $9 for lunch for your boss. Okaaaaaay.
It's easy to judge (and judge I do) from a distance, but really, I know they have the money. I know they got paid overtime. And a lot of it. That's extra money right there. Money that you don't normally get. And it's a helluva lot more than $9.
So today I had to send out a reminder email about the lunch and asking the people that haven't paid, to now pay. Lunch is coming tomorrow and the dough is getting charged to my credit card. Now I'm getting the third degree from people who haven't paid about what we are ordering. As if they will decide to participate or not based on what we are having.
Random Selfih Bastard: "So what is for lunch tomorrow?"
Me: "Sandwiches, chips, potato salad and iced tea."
RSB: "From where?"
Me: "Does it even matter?"
RSB: no response
I plan on standing guard at the kitchen with my list of people that paid. Everyone else can kiss my ass.
So word goes out that the boss is turning 40 and everyone goes into a tizzy. People start bitching that we aren't doing anything for him. Fine, so we decide to do lunch and cake. Of course now no one will take the responsibility to order the food. So like a fool, I volunteer. Since this group is opinionated, I just picked a lunch place and ordered sandwiches, sides and drinks. Done. Total is $9 per person. Nothing crazy right? I mean, you can't even go out and buy lunch around here for less than that unless you go to McDonald's. And even then you make up the difference in Pepcid. So I send out the email asking people for the money. Afterall, I fronted the cost of this meal on my own personal credit card. Right now, I'M buying lunch for these selfish bastards.
At first a few dollars trickle in. Then I get the first phone call. A 45 year old woman giggling while telling me she doesn't have the money. "I can decorate if you want." Um, ok, but you putting up decorations doesn't pay my Visa. I'm not in management so I'm not sure how far I can push back and get nasty with these people about paying. So I just kind of sit silently on the phone while she giggles nervously about paying. Then she tells me "Well, I thought we weren't doing anything since we are going to that party for him?" "That party" is a surprise party that HIS WIFE is throwing for him. A party with a full buffet of prime rib, salmon and chicken and whatever else, a DJ, the works. A party that is FREE for us. So I inform her of all of this and say it would be pretty shitty of us to not even acknowledge his birthday at the office regardless of whether or not his wife is doing something.
Dead silence.
Then I get an email. Another woman is claiming she can't afford the $9. Ok, so I know times are tight and we are all scrimping where we can, but it's $9. $9 for the man that signs your paycheck and gives you a bonus twice a year. The man that is allowing you to work 10+ hours of overtime PER PAY PERIOD! I know you have the money. COUGH IT UP!
Fast forward to Friday of the same week. The Giggler sends out an office wide email (we're a small group) asking who wants to order lunch. Get that? ORDER LUNCH! The same kind of lunch that no one has money to pay for when it means celebrating their boss. So I sit quietly and seethe about it. Then I forward the message to management and bitch to them about how selfish people are.
Later that day The Other Cheapo overhears a conversation I'm having about how I got a new FREE iPhone (thanks tech geek friend R!). TOC goes on and on about how she and her husband have iPhones and they can't live without them, blah, blah, blah. Um, iPhones aren't cheap. especially depending on which model you have and when you purchased them. So essentially you're saying you can afford 2 iPhones and the calling plans that go with them, but you can't cough up $9 for lunch for your boss. Okaaaaaay.
It's easy to judge (and judge I do) from a distance, but really, I know they have the money. I know they got paid overtime. And a lot of it. That's extra money right there. Money that you don't normally get. And it's a helluva lot more than $9.
So today I had to send out a reminder email about the lunch and asking the people that haven't paid, to now pay. Lunch is coming tomorrow and the dough is getting charged to my credit card. Now I'm getting the third degree from people who haven't paid about what we are ordering. As if they will decide to participate or not based on what we are having.
Random Selfih Bastard: "So what is for lunch tomorrow?"
Me: "Sandwiches, chips, potato salad and iced tea."
RSB: "From where?"
Me: "Does it even matter?"
RSB: no response
I plan on standing guard at the kitchen with my list of people that paid. Everyone else can kiss my ass.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
The Cheap Thrill of Impending Doom
Last week, a friend was kind/evil enough (thank you A) to share a link with me about rapture insurance. You (The Christian) hire me (The Atheist) to care for your pets after the big day, assuming you’ll be too busy living in eternal bliss/hogging up eternal rewards to do so. I don’t know why, but apparently, the animals don’t get to go.
Which confirms the inarguable fact that Christianity is big business (and goddamnit, I want in!). OK fine, I am way too lazy to start my own business, but not so lazy that I don’t have a business idea. Mine is, and always has been, Jesus and his various merchandise (because devout followers will buy ANYTHING, i.e., rapture insurance).
So, for fun, I poked around to see what’s out there and found that you can order just about anything online, which surprises me. For example: anointing oil. I admit, I have no idea what this is but isn’t it supposed to be….holy or something? Otherwise, why have anointing oil, right? I guess I envision monks with cauldrons praying over smoky batches of goo to give it just the right amount of heaven/jesus/nirvana…I had no idea it can be ordered, in different flavors (Lily of the Valley is sold out, btw) from a warehouse in Pittsburgh. Does this also mean that Catholic “holy water” comes from the tap right to the special, pre-determined places on your face?
Clearly, I understand very little about religion and its rituals but – like most Americans - I do know a thing or two about shopping/consumerism/convincing people they need stuff and have compiled a short list of possibilities.
1. The Delicious Wafer/Christflesh. I’ve had maybe two of these in my entire life but they sorta taste like something they put in your mouth at the dentist. Flavors include: extreme nacho, ranch, barbeque and soy (are vegetarians allowed to take communion? because technically it’s considered meat, right?)
2. Biblibs (a Madlibs equivalent). Create your own hilarious/convenient version of the Bible! An ice-breaker at parties and less restrictive than the originals. Feel like celebrating your impending marriage with hookers and blow? With Biblibs, no problem! Also available: Torahlibs, Qur’anlibs, and Book-o-Mormonlibs. (Scientology not available because that book is already so. funny.)
3. Disposable Magi’panty. For the mature Mormon in your life who also suffers from frequent episodes of crapping his/her pants.
WARNING: If you steal my ideas and make yourself rich, I will come after you with my highly unethical and sometimes violent attorney (this means you, rapture insurance guy). Unless you give me some of the money, then, we’re cool.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Let's talk about Jesus
So, I live in the midwest. It's Jesus Country. I knew that when I moved here but still went through with the move anyway. My in-laws are Jesus people so I thought "how bad can this be?" Well, I'm beginning to learn.
I have two "friends" on Facebook. And I use the term friend loosely. In any case, one "friend" likes to take photos of the sunrise on her way to work. Then she posts them on Facebook. Ok, whatever. So "friend" number 2 (also known as The Martyr) responds to the photo saying how beautiful it is. "Friend" 1 says the sunrise comes from a beautiful place (read: heaven). The Martyr (TM) agrees and says she is anxious to see this place, but for now, the view from afar is beautiful.
Ok, now really? It's a sunrise. Did you not take the earth science class that I was required to take in junior high? And for the record, I'm totally open to people believing whatever they want to believe. Just don't push that shit on me. Don't tell me you're praying for me as if I'm some heathen who will be bound to eternal damnation just because I didn't recognize the work of Jesus in the sunrise.
So in response, I took this photo from my office window this morning. See the cross? Yeah, that's Jesus giving me a sign.
I have two "friends" on Facebook. And I use the term friend loosely. In any case, one "friend" likes to take photos of the sunrise on her way to work. Then she posts them on Facebook. Ok, whatever. So "friend" number 2 (also known as The Martyr) responds to the photo saying how beautiful it is. "Friend" 1 says the sunrise comes from a beautiful place (read: heaven). The Martyr (TM) agrees and says she is anxious to see this place, but for now, the view from afar is beautiful.
Ok, now really? It's a sunrise. Did you not take the earth science class that I was required to take in junior high? And for the record, I'm totally open to people believing whatever they want to believe. Just don't push that shit on me. Don't tell me you're praying for me as if I'm some heathen who will be bound to eternal damnation just because I didn't recognize the work of Jesus in the sunrise.
So in response, I took this photo from my office window this morning. See the cross? Yeah, that's Jesus giving me a sign.
Here we go....
Well, the title says it all. I've been thinking about doing this for some time now and my friend, and co-blogger, H pushed me to finally just do it.
Hope you enjoy!
Hope you enjoy!
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